23 and 364 days

My birthday is tomorrow and I currently feel like crying. 

All I want right now is for my moms husband to have a heart towards “family” and yes that includes the dogs. AND himself. 

It wrecks my soul and breaks my heart that he can’t see all the suffering the dogs have been enduring with the crap food they get and the hardly existant walks and exercise. These poor dogs could live such a better life if he just understood what he was doing to them. And maybe he does know and he just doesn’t care. I really have no idea because he doesn’t communicate well. 

I mentioned that he doesn’t have a heart towards himself, I could be very wrong but from my perspective he doesn’t care what he’s doing to himself. He eats constantly. All day long. And over eats. His portions are way out of control and his view of healthy food is skewed beyond belief. He won’t exercise because he says he doesn’t need it, he says he’s strong enough. But that’s not what it’s about! It’s about making sure your body is all working together properly to be the best you can be. I just don’t know how to explain what I see everyday. 

My heart breaks for my mom because she sees it happening and unfortunately it’s like she’s being brainwashed into not caring either. She knows what’s right but she won’t fight for it. 

I wasn’t taught to stand back and watch things fall apart. I was taught by my mother to fight for what you’re passionate about. I’m trying but Lord knows I have no idea how to tackle this one. Someone who thinks they know it all. It’s impossible to even begin to try to teach someone who thinks they know it all. The person has to admit they don’t and be willing to learn. 

In my opinion, He just thinks there’s nothing to learn from a child, (yes, in his eyes Im still a child, in some ways yes I have a lot to learn but by no means am I a child.) It is beyond difficult to get things through to him. 

They keep asking me what I want for my birthday, I just want my hospital bills paid off so I don’t have to worry about that when we move to a new state (literally and figuratively) in 6 days. 

Im passionate about dogs, and health, and dogs health, and mental stability AND LORD WHAT ARE YOU CALLING ME TO DO HERE? WHAT IS YOUR PLAN FOR ME? I feel so lost this moment. Lord help me hear you, I need you desperately. 

and i won’t be afraid

 

its time to write again.

Im sitting here in my mostly empty bedroom. trying to figure out how to put into words whats been going on. I can’t figure it out. I read one of my previous posts and started crying, I can’t believe how much I’ve been through. I can’t believe after all of that, I don’t breakdown crying every day. But at the same time it makes me realize how good God is. That He won’t let me fall. And even if I do, He’s still holding me.

I don’t really remember everything that has happened in the last month but ill try my best:

  • I went to a friends birthday dinner and had the most fun I’ve had in a long time.
  • I cried the next day for the first time thinking about missing the friends I’ve made here.
  • I baked a ton of gluten free lemon cupcakes
  • I had friends over for a small backyard fourth of july barbecue.
  • I started to get sick again.
  • I went out to dinner after young adults for the first time since late december. that was a mistake.  I learned who my real friends are.
  • my last day of work was July 11th, that was rough. I’ve never had such a great support system at any place of work, except maybe when my sister was my manager. regardless, working at Dioji taught me so many things about myself that I never knew. So, thank you to the ones who helped me realize my potential. Love you guys.
  • July 13th came and I had my first appointment with Dr. Lo, he is the number one specialist in the country for Sphincter Of Oddi Dysfunction, He didn’t say I don’t have it but he did put me in the the category of Type 3. he put me on an anti-depressant because of the connection between the brain and the gastrointestinal system, mostly for pain control.
  • my capsule endoscopy was july 19th. that was one roller coaster of an experience.
  • I have been listening to he new Hillsong United album non stop. current favorite songs are: Not Today, and Glimmer in the Dust
  • I climbed inside a tangerine tree.
  • i held a newborn goat
  • I saw Whiskeys boyfriend Boss Kitty in our front yard
  • my moms great aunt passed away almost two weeks ago so her services were last Tuesday, My aunt Patty came down to stay with us the monday night before and the following night. It couldn’t have been better timing. I had to prep for my EGD/Capsule Endoscopy tuesday night and if there is anyone that knows that struggle, its her.
  • my mother and I baked gluten free zucchini bread.
  • i sold my car

I had some time last Monday to sit and talk to my aunt and it was really something I’ll never forget. She has been through even more than I have regarding GI stuff, having had parts of her colon removed and surgery after surgery to repair what is left. God certainly used her testimony to remind me He’s still with me. I was on the edge of a mental breakdown and He used her to pull me back into His love.  and at the end of it all, when she was already tucked in to her blankets on the couch she said to me as I walked upstairs, “hey Maris, Im proud of you.” I almost cried but instead I just smiled and said thank you.

My EGD prep was the worst. I don’t understand why the stuff has to taste so bad, like pure celery extract. It didn’t go down easy. I threw up a tiny bit of it. But I drank almost all 4 liters of it by the time I had to get up to head down to UCLA for the appointment. When we got there I had to run to the bathroom a couple times just on the way up to the medical procedures unit. When we got there we checked in and waited a few minutes before I was called back, Thank God my mother was with me. I was getting a little anxious. The nurse introduced himself as Chris, and walked us back to a large exam room. I saw the bed, the bp cuff, the bp monitor, the IV, and everything else. But then he started talking and it sounded like I was just supposed to swallow the pill and wear the monitor all day. My mother put the breaks on and started scolding him that I was not about to have this procedure done without the EGD/anesthesia part of it, she explained why (the first time it was done the camera stayed in my stomach 48 minutes and died before it got to the end of my small intestine) This time they were supposed to deploy it past my stomach during the EGD so it would get everything. We ended up waiting in the room while the doctors and nurses tried to figure out what happened with the scheduling and called my doctor to see what they should do.  After a while Chris came back in and said they were just waiting for my doctor to talk to the charge nurse. We talked to Chris about my symptoms and of course my chronically low blood pressure came up. He didn’t believe us so he opted to check it right then. He did, and when it read, of course the alarm went off because it was 100/46. His jaw fell open and she shook me “are you alive?!” he screamed. “Yeah I feel fine, a little dizzy but I always am.” he took it again, It was 96/56. He warned us that, that could point to a cardiovascular disease, then he shook his head and said no, you would be tired all the time too, it would manifest like a cold. My mom told him about my daily 6 hour naps, and sleeping 9-10 hours a night and my randomly sore throat. His jaw fell open again. He said, “If this test doesn’t show anything, you need to see a cardiovascular disease specialist, even if it does show something you still need to get that checked out.”  He walked us back to the waiting room so he could start on the next patient who actually had a scheduled appointment. We waited a few minutes before being called back again by a different nurse, this time we went straight to the pre op bed, and all of a sudden everyone was introducing themselves, Rob the anesthesiologist, joy the nurse, and i don’t remember the others,  They were asking my name and date of birth and telling me what they would be doing along with putting leads on chest to monitor my heart, and sticking me with a needle to start the iv, fast is an understatement. they were moving like lightning. as soon as one nurse would leave another would show up. I had the procedure done and was on my way after a while.

I have been told there was something wrong with my heart before, that it wasn’t getting enough oxygen. but the test was done a second time and came back normal, so no one has been concerned.

Now I am. more than ever. When I saw Dr. Lo he told me i can’t exercise anymore. Because whatever is going on in my intestines and abdominal cavity is causing the muscles of my abdomen to spasm causing  more unnecessary pain. I feel like that may have been a blessing in disguise.

Any time my heart rate goes up I get very lightheaded, even losing my vision at times. I wonder if thats because of my blood pressure. I guess its good that Im not allowed to exercise.

I still have a few medical bills to pay off, a little less than $1,000. Its not as bad as I originally thought.

My 24th birthday is this Thursday. I wish I was more excited. All this packing and moving boxes down stairs is really getting to me now. its all getting so real. the moving truck comes on the 31st and we leave on the 1st.

 

NOT A BIG DEAL

Hello all,

I realize it has been awhile since I have updated you all on the happenings of my life (as if you really care.) But I have big news that will hopefully explain why I haven’t had the chance to write. I will try my best to make it short and sweet.

since may 23rd here is what has happened:

  • my mom turned 60
  • my dad turned 62 (we celebrated at The Huntington Library, it was incredible and I can’t wait to go back)
  • I started drinking coffee
  • I got my blood test results back from UCLA, everything was normal
  • I graduated the Training For Life level 3 class at my church (I am very proud of myself for that,please read the rest of this post before clicking here, this is a link to a paper I wrote for that class, It is something that was very profound and totally wrecked me into truly trusting God in EVERYTHING)
  • I have been getting stronger mentally, spiritually, and physically
  • I am supposed to have the capsule endoscopy re-done to see if the abnormalities that were present before are still there, and if they are I will have biopsies taken.
  • depending on the results of that test, I may or may not have the abdominal angiogram done.
  • I may have to have a manometry test done (two weeks ago my throat swelled up and basically shut, it felt like a ridiculously sore throat and I couldn’t swallow water without severe pain, I did not go tot the ER because it had happened before and I knew it would go away eventually so I just slept it off)
  • I started baking gluten free desserts
  • I started eating normal food and just dealing with the pain (which hasn’t been so bad lately)
  • I started cooking whole healthy meals that are easily digestible
  • I have been working a lot
  • I have been incredibly blessed

So, with that being said, here is the big news

I AM MOVING

WP8

I realize this looks like a photo you might find on google, but it is in fact the house I am moving to. Here are the answers to the questions you probably have

  1. where? Coeur D Alene Idaho
  2. why? that is where my mom and matt have chosen to retire and I have nothing keeping me in California so when they asked what I wanted to do, I said why not go
  3. when? July 28th ish
  4. what about your current health situation? We are praying that we get it figured out before then, and if not Im not worried because I might not know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future and I would seriously be wasting time if I worried.
  5. what are you going to do there? Work? School? I have some ideas but nothing is set yet. Again, Im not worried.

If you have other questions feel free to ask. preferably not in person unless you are ok with short answers and no explanation. Im not really in to talking to just anyone about it.

well, I am off to bake and eat and stuff so Ill see y’all soon. or not.

One Hour of Silence

For my Training For Life Level 3 class I was required to spend one hour in Gods presence and just listen to what he had to say, and let me tell you, He spoke to me in a way I have never felt before.

This is the result of that:

I found the one hour of silence very difficult to do because of my current schedule, I am getting ready to move out of state and have little to no down time between work, church, and packing. I decided to to it while at work bathing dogs where I am generally alone and doing something I love for eight hours. God really showed me how to be present when I would find myself getting frustrated over small things, I would get the feeling of Him saying, “why are you getting angry so fast at little things?” And I would have to step back to see that the small thing that made me lose my mind for was something I have felt with before. So being fully present to me, is not forgetting to be in the moment, and be fully aware of what you are feeling, and taking a step back to see the bigger picture. While I was bathing a dog, rather getting ready to do a dogs nail trim, God was speaking me to me through this current situation. (It was as if He shouted “ITS TIME TO LISTEN TO ME!”) This dog was a playful loving creature, going about her usual business of play bowing at other dogs and running away barking, in the yard around the other dogs. But everything changed when I called her name to come to me in the run, she got a little anxious but still came, I got her into the groom room, a quiet room, She was petrified. She wouldn’t listen to any command I told her, she just cried out in fear and anxiety. And just like that , the Lord told me, “thats you.” I have been through a lot of health issues lately and I cry out to god about how scared I am and ignore all that He has to say. In the exact same way this poor pup was crying and not listening to me. I have cried out so loud  that I am not able to focus on hearing Gods voice, or anything He is saying. When I realized this, I simply sat with the dog and talked to her, petting her gently to calm her. her cried got quieter and she started to respond to me. “come here” I said to her, motioning to my right, she followed my hand and sat down. If I have learned anything from this, it is that I need to stop shouting and crying for fear of the unknown and to sit down and hear Gods voice, to be still, and to feel His touch, and to simply trust that this will eventually end. Nothing is going to be as bad as I think. I think the busyness of this culture is negatively affecting our relationships with God because we make time for what we deem important. Forgetting that God is of utmost importance. We don’t prioritize the right things and we unfortunately make time for the wrong, or unnecessary things. We have to start focusing on the most important  relationship, that is of course our relationship with God. When the nail trim was over I walked her back out to the run and into the yard and she became the lively pup she was before. I have faith that God will bring me out of my current mess and I will return to being the lively person I used to be.

 

Friends I felt to led to share this with you as a reminder that God will meet us where we are, we don’t have to change or do anything different for God to love us, He already does no matter what you think. You don’t have to get your life together before coming to Jesus, in fact you can’t get your life together without Him. Just fully surrender to Him where you are and what your life start to change.

 

sometimes I just need a hug.

Today was exciting and scary.

a few days ago i got my new glasses and was super excited about it. i had some frustration with the first pair i picked out so i exchanged them and got these super sweet green frames. normally i have a few days of weirdness with my eyes as they adjust to a new prescription but i have now had a weird pressure behind my eyes for the last 4 days along with a terrible headache. i have an appointment with my chiropractor tomorrow morning and hopefully that will relieve some of this pain.

I woke up today feeling kinda sick, but mostly just with a throbbing headache that made me go back to sleep for three more hours. when i finally got out of bed at 9 i thought maybe i could crack my own neck by stretching and breathing but after twenty minutes of it, i gave up. i showered and got dressed for my very first appointment at UCLA. I ate some gluten free pancakes with blueberries, strawberries, maple syrup, and whipped cream. It didn’t sit well. In fact, shortly after eating I found myself running to the bathroom to poop. I was having some serious abdominal pain but I refused to acknowledge it. It finally got bad enough that I said something out loud to my mom and she said “thats probably a good thing” meaning that the doctor would be able to see how much pain I was in and figure out something to do to help me. I was not feeling up to driving there so she drove my car. We got there and checked in, I filled out my new patient paperwork (the shortest stack of papers I’ve ever had to fill out as a new patient) and waited for the nurse to call me in.

I was weighed, asked  a few questions about why I was there, had my blood pressure taken, and temperature taken. I still weigh 127, which is 13 pounds lighter than I did when I was in the hospital the first time. Its a good weight for me, as long as I’m healthy. My blood pressure was on the low side again at, 98/64. Not the lowest its been but still concerning. I waited for the doctor. and his assistant came in to ask about my medical history and all the good stuff. she talked with me for a good while and did a short physical exam, I cringed when she got to my right upper abdomen and waited for the hurt. It came and went. She pushed again, and it came and went. I did a half sit up, she pushed and it didn’t hurt. Thats what should happen if you didn’t know. She left, and we waited for the doctor to come in with her. They eventually came, and talked to me a little bit more about what I can and can’t eat, what makes the pain worse and what makes it better. Jello. I said Jello. thats the only thing that doesn’t make it hurt, and is also the only thing that satisfies my hunger when it comes. He asked  me a few questions some of which I had been asked many times before and a few that I had never been asked. Then he dropped a bomb. Angioedema. Its basically random swelling in the face or limbs. which I have had a few times since this all started. Sometimes comes without reason. There were a few other things he mentioned; redoing the capsule study, and doing a deep enteroscopy. But he would only consider doing the latter if the blood tests he ordered come back with any sign of abnormalities. He said with what I have and haven’t been able to eat, I would be malnourished but I didn’t look like it to him. He wasnt convinced so that is one of the tests he ordered. He also asked about a stool test and didn’t seem as surprised as I thought he would be when I said I hadn’t had one. So he ordered that too. My mom had to leave just before the appointment was over so she could catch her flight with matt. (thats a whole different story, a much more exciting story which I will tell at a later date) So I was left to be a big girl and figure out the rest on my own. I waited in the room after they left, and was getting anxious that I heard them wrong so I got up and went to the front desk to ask for a bathroom, the woman directed me back down the hallway I had just come from. When I was coming from the bathroom, back down the hallway, I was a little surprised to see that there was another patient in the room I had been in. So I played it cool and walked back to the front desk and asked “Do I need to check out or am I good to go..?” The same lady that told me where the bathroom was informed me that I needed to wait another 15 minutes in the lobby so the doctors assistant could enter all the tests to be done. I waited about 20 and was told to go up one floor to the lab in suite 307 to have my blood drawn and then down to the first floor and out to the next building to suite 145 to get my poop test kit. I made it up to the third floor to get my blood drawn and was kindly told by the technician that there were no labs in the system for me and maybe the doctor forgot submit it. So back upstairs I went, and talked to the bathroom direction lady, to which she said all the tests were in there and she didn’t understand why the nurse couldn’t see them on her end. She called that lab lady and tried to get her to open the right tab and I swear this was taking forever and I was ready to give up and go home. But I kept calm and had a conversation with the guy at the front desk about how this had happened before when I was scheduled for a colonoscopy and showed up for it and no one could find me in the system, and I said. “y’all better figure out what went wrong here because I didn’t do all that prep for nothing” They eventually found it and I had it done. Same goes for the blood work today, the lab lady explained to me when I went back upstairs that there was another patient with the same name and birthdate as myself but with a different account number. whatever lady just take my blood. I eventually made my way to the second building to get my poop kit and was on my way home (after some serious confusion on how to pay for parking). I made it to class a little late, but it was worth it. I was prayed over and went to my car to drive home. I was trying my hardest to not cry. I started to feel overwhelmed with fear of a new diagnosis and what that might mean for my future. I got home and texted my mom that my pain hadn’t gotten any better, and was actually felling worse. She was still on airplane mode. I broke down crying. I composed myself and went upstairs to get some pain meds. I just want to sleep this away. I took the meds and threw up a few minutes later. the pill. the carrots. the peppers. the crackers. the hummus. ugh. I broke down crying again, Lord I know everything will be ok but I’m so scared at this moment and I just need a hug. I fell to my knees and wept. I had worship music on which didn’t seem to help. my sister texted me asking how the appointment went and I asked if I could call. She was at dinner and would call when she was done. I told her I didn’t know how long I would be awake, but that I was falling apart at that moment. She called me and calmed me dow, we cried a little together and just talked like sisters do.

Sometimes I get so frustrated and overwhelmed I just want to pound my head against a wall. or the toilet seat, if I’m throwing up. that has happened before. I have done both.

I still need a hug.

goodnight.

how bad do you want it?

‘I haven’t written in a few months because i haven’t really had anything on my mind to share. But recently I have been going through some stuff. It’s not easy for me to write when things are good because I’m not spiraling out of control. But when things get kinda bad and then really bad my mind starts drifting away from hearing God’s voice and I start hearing the enemies’ voice become louder and louder. Im no stranger to depression or anxiety but after battling it for years and knowing the victory I can have over it, it’s hard to ignore it when it comes. And what’s stupid is that I know how to keep it away, for the most part, and I actively choose to do the opposite. I know that being in God’s word and being in tune to hearing His voice will keep the voices in my head quiet, yet I choose to watch chopped for three hours, and then wonder why the next day I wake up frustrated. Duh marisa. If I could just be so desperate to want it more.

I have still been struggling with my physical health. the church I go to has been going through a lot of changes, ehh, I won’t talk about that, never mind. But they did host a generations conference where the community’s kids, teens, and young adults got together for a a couple sessions of hearing God’s word and no doubt it was powerful.

I interrupt this blog post to tell you the oilers just lost to to the ducks in game 7, I’m not actually crying but my heart is.

Last week was my first full week back at work, lets just say it didn’t go as well as we all hoped. I made it through Monday and Tuesday and half of Wednesday, keep in mind that I have only been working 6 hour days. I came down with a cold Tuesday and it was ten times worse by Wednesday morning so I left work early to rest, I tried sleeping it off but the pain from the pressure in my head was so bad I broke down and took some Sudafed PE, my mother warned me that maybe it would make my stomach pain worse so thats why I didn’t take it while at work. Thank you Jesus. After about an hour of taking it I noticed my headache was gone but I was feeling more and more stomach sick and the pain was getting worse. I drank some vegetable broth and it came right back up. I thought oh no here we go again. I had been doing great on a liquid diet so I knew throwing up this time was a red flag, I just didn’t want to believe it. I started slowly writhing on the floor of my bedroom before my mom came to ask me something when she realized I was crying. I cried out to her between my sobs “mom I feel like I did when I was sick the first time..” she said “before you had your gallbladder removed?” I nodded yes. It was seriously happening all over again. I called my primary doctor when I got home from work so I could be seen for the pressure in my head, my mom drove me to that appointment at 6pm and eventually drove me to the ER. My doctor knew there was nothing he could do for me and the only thing that would stop me from screaming my lungs out and wanting to crawl out of my skin was some kind of relief only the ER doctors could give me. I was (and still am) so frustrated and sick of being sick and stabbed with needles and being asked if I’m pregnant and everything regarding my health. so incredibly sick of it all. I was only in the ER for a few hours so they could let the morphine do its thing and monitor that it wouldn’t get worse like before. and when the CT scan came back clear they said what every other doctor has told before “I’m sorry everything looks clear, there’s nothing there, I can’t do anything else for you.”

Im doing better today. the days following i knew everyone at work had counted me out, probably placed bets that I would call out sick. But I proved them all wrong and pushed through it. I continued to throw up everything I ate for the next 6 days and each time was brought to tears because just once I would like to enjoy a meal and not  have to taste it a second time. Monday night at my bible study class I had someone pray over me, and I became aware of my faith and trust in the Lord. She said something me that I had to correct her right away, “when you eat something, thank the Lord that you will keep it down, have faith that it won’t come back up” and I was like woah slow down, Im the complete opposite, when I eat anything Im thinking and praying “Lord I’m trusting you and I have faith that this time I will keep it down.” And twenty minutes later I’m puking it back up and screaming WHY?  and then she said “but have faith that He’s doing something even through the vomiting.” and my eyes were opened. THAT is true faith, trusting God in the bad, and yes, even the puking. God, I have no idea why this is happening but I’m choosing to have faith and trust that you’re doing something good.

Today, I said screw it with the healthy food and went for the vegan deep fried fish tacos with salsa. and guess what. I DIDNT THROW IT UP.  can I get and AMEN. praise God. seriously. how in the world did that stay down. I’ll tell you how, it was NOT OF THIS WOLRD. thats how. sure I may have had some abdominal pain with it, but I did not get one bit of “sick.”

I’d just like to take a moment now to apologize to some people,

to my friends, for being so distant, please understand that this is the longest and most difficult trial Ive been through and Its taken a lot out of me. mentally and physically. Im trying to adjust to what I can and can’t do.

and, to a few people I know but don’t know if you would call me your friend or just someone you know, Im sorry for being distant and closed off and not really willing to let you in. Im afraid of making new friends because, frankly Im a terrible friend. I’m trying to get better but I guess not trying hard enough.

And to this one person who I see very rarely but when I do I feel like praising God even more just for the simple fact that our paths crossed one more time. You have the best hugs, and a passion for jesus that is so beautiful. I pray that one day I am bold enough to ask you out for lunch, but I guess I don’t want it that bad because I haven’t done it yet.

I am currently sobbing of this song right now, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ah0uydqMYhE

Its time for bed, my dogs are growling at me because they want to sleep.

thanks for reading, bonne nuit

december-april review (in photos)

ça va bien…

person: Hello!!! How are you feeling?!?

me: Hello, In what regards?

person: Overall…Your health…how are you feeling about your mom moving..

I had the above exchange a few days ago.  It always intrigues me when people ask how I’m doing out of nowhere. I never answered the person because, (well in all honesty I suck at texting people back) but I was caught off guard. I don’t really like having those types of conversations with people who are just asking to ask and don’t really care. especially over text. it just doesn’t seem genuine to me. I have observed the most interesting thing the last few months, where someone will be greeting a group of people and ask “hows it going?” or  “how are you?” to every single person in the group. And I have seen over and over again with different people asking, that completely ignore the answer. It blows me away at how many people do that. And more over, it bothers me. I hate when people are not genuine when asking how you are. If you really cared you would wait more than 10 seconds to ask the next person the same thing and wouldn’t miss the answer. And in my opinion you would keep up with whats going on. And I’m not truing to be rude to the person that texted me, if they’re reading this. I just want this to be something to open peoples minds to asking the question “How are you?”

It’s a really loaded question. Especially when you’re not ok, or haven’t been ok. Just be sensitive to people and read the persons body language. and if you don’t think you’re good at reading body language I highly recommend reading the book called, Blink: the power of thinking. Just think to yourself before asking, “do I have the time to listen if this person needs it”

So, on that note. I’ll answer the question above as if I was texting the person back.

Overall.. like today or on average? my health..uhh mostly frustrated.  about my mom moving..it changes daily.

I feel like that all might sound sarcastic but in my opinion (again) Im tired of people not being real. So I’m trying to be as real as possible. Some days I wake up feeling like crap but I have to make a decision on how I’m going to feel mentally. When my chiropractor asked me how I was the other day I blew it off and said “ehh I’m ok” he paused and said “no, really how are you?” WOW. thank you jesus for that because I was having a great day and I wanted to tell someone about it. I told him “well every day is a struggle with the pain and everything but I have to chose joy.” Some days I wake up feeling like crap and chose joy, other days I wake up feeling like crap and I chose to let frustration take over my thoughts. Some days I wake up feeling great, though rare, I either chose to feel good, or I get confused and depressed as to why I feel ok, I assume that sounds crazy to you but I’ve somewhat gotten used to the pain and exhaustion so when I feel good I get kind of scared.

What ever is going on in my body is still a mystery to every doctor I’ve been to. I have been trying to eat food and deal with the pain, I am currently eating a cake donut covered in chocolate frosting and rainbow sprinkles, and by eating I mean I took a bite and and am waiting for the pain. I usually eat one solid meal a day so I get some kind of nutrients. and the other meals are usually some form of liquid, like a smoothie or pureed vegetables in soup.

I think I covered how I feel overall, it changes everyday depending on a lot of things. And about my mom moving, it changes constantly throughout each day. Right now I feel excited. Wait let me back up a little bit. Last week I was a total mess about them moving because I felt like I was being abandoned, left behind and not thought about. I was right about the last of those things. My mom hadn’t thought about what would happen to me. We had a short talk about how I was feeling and about some different options. So now I am a little excited because it is looking more like I am moving too. But probably not with them. They are moving to Idaho and Im not sure how I feel about that place so Ive been looking into the the surrounding areas, Like Spokane or Canada or somewhere in Washington, I don’t know yet.

With all my down time I have been doing a ton of thinking about what Im supposed to be doing with my life and it seems more and more like I need to be in the communication field. I love helping people with their mental illnesses because of all that I’ve been through. My latest dream is to start a group of young adult girls like myself called “Je Suis”  in french it means “I am” I want to help other girls feel strong mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and to love themselves and be able to not just overcome their trials but to come out of them stronger. I want them to feel powerful, like they can do anything. so the Je suis starts the sentence  but each time we would do something together it would finish the sentence.

a plus tard

trust

I’ve been having trouble mentally and physically lately. I have in a sense turned my back to God.

My mom and her husband were in Idaho two weeks ago when I had to put Whiskey to sleep, they were looking at properties and checking out churches. My mom told me it would be months before they moved.

a few days ago they told me they were going back this Thursday through Saturday to look at a house and probably buy it.

that was quick.

the only thing I thought, and have been rethinking is: what is going to happen to me?

everyone at church is fooled, they think we are a happy family. when that is the farthest thing from the truth. everyone keeps asking me, are you going with them?, you must be excited, right?

wtf. seriously people. I just need reality to slap you in the face so you can see what really goes on at our house.

I had been saving my money to move out and then I got hit with this medical situation and there went everything I saved. On top of it I have no income because I haven’t been able to work.

where am I supposed to live?  how am I supposed to be ok with this? why do I feel like Im being left behind?

I asked my mom yesterday what she thought my options were, she really had nothing I wanted to hear. I don’t want to stay in California.

Im supposed to trust God through all of these situations but frankly, I don’t know how.

He’s trying to tell me everything will be ok, don’t worry, I have it all planned out. but In the back of my head I can’t help but hear the enemy telling me my life is falling apart and the only choice I have is to live in my car.

Im feeling overwhelmed. I can’t stop crying. I have no idea what to do with my life. I just want to bang my head against a wall until I can’t think anymore. at this point i kinda just want to not exist.

and that is depression ladies and gentlemen.

when I was depressed in the past and came out of it I didn’t some research on things I could do to keep myself from going that place again. I found the same thing over and over, eat healthy unprocessed food, get exercise daily, and have a regular sleep schedule. It seemed to help for a while but it was missing something. and that is Jesus.

when they bring up anything about moving, or getting the house ready to sell my heart just sinks. I want to scream and punch things and sleep forever so I don’t have to hear it.

they don’t see it from my perspective. just shut up about that stuff when I’m around, yeah? ok great.