I was just reading my latest posts and can’t believe how faithful God has been through all my struggles in the last year (plus a few months.)
The last time I really emptied my heart on here I told you about how my fear of meeting people overpowered me and how I still hadn’t made any friends or made it to young adults. WELL, I finally made it. and I have been 4 times. I am proud of myself for that. The last two times were in a row (not a big deal, but actually a big deal) and I met some girls who could definitely turn into friends if I listen to my therapist and keep myself from building walls.
In one of my last sessions with my therapist I had a revelation. She has taught me so much about myself in the short time I’ve been here. One of those things is how much pressure I put on myself about my depression and the second being about making friends or doing new things. Another thing she helped me realize is how incredibly important it is for me to stay connected with my sisters. side note, there really is no love like a sisters love.
I obviously have struggled lately with obeying what God has told me to do. And in this session with my therapist I was speaking about how much of a struggle it is for me to make a move towards something good. For example, when I start to feel sad, I immediately retreat (mentally and physically) and feel guilty for feeling sad. ( I was not aware until a couple weeks ago that this is, in fact, the definition of depression) I know certain things will pull me out of a funk and I think about them when Im curled up on the couch or the floor watching tv, but I have SO much trouble actually getting up to do them. The same thing happens when I think about doing something like going to young adults, I make up excuse after excuse to get out of it. It was then, when I was talking-to her about this that the Lord spoke to me so clearly I burst into tears. “Just show up..” I had cried earlier when I thought about how much I missed my sisters, but these tears were different tears. “Just show up…and I’ll do the rest.” He said. Just show up Marisa, stop worrying about all the unknowns and what ifs. So I showed up. I started saying “Yes Lord.” more. and I pray I keep saying yes Lord, more and more. I can’t even begin to tell you how many blessing have been poured on me since then.
On Thursday December 21 I got head butted by a dog at work. It happens all the time, a small bump or bruise every once in a while. But this was different, when I got hit I immediately got dizzy, tasted blood, and had a headache. The blood was from a small cut in my bottom lip where I bit myself when the dog hit me. I was fine. Two people saw it happen and I ended up telling one of them a little later, “dude, that seriously hurt, it felt like my brain shook, and my head is still killing me.” I was almost off of work so I figured the chiropractor could help me out. I definitely felt better after an adjustment but the headache continued to get more and more intense as the day and night went on. The next day at work I hardly noticed it, went the day with out thinking about it. When I got home everything changed, it was a Friday night and I usually stay up a little later, but I was struggling to keep my eyes open at 6pm. I tried going bed and instantly as my head hit the pillow the pain went from a level 5 to a 9. I started crying and writhing in pain, it was like someone was squeezing my brain. I tried turning to the right, it got worse. Tried the left and it was bad. Back to center and I was writhing again. I made it through the night sitting on my bed, legs straight out with my head leaning as far forward as it would go, and an ice pack on my forehead and another on the back of my head. “I have a concussion, I just know it..” I told my mom Saturday morning. By this time my vision had been going in and out, super blurry. I was dizzy, and the back of my head was still hurting like nothing Ive ever felt. (quick story about pain, Ive had meningitis, migraines my whole life, debilitating menstrual cramps, a dead gall bladder, abdominal surgery because of it, and a few stress fractures. I have had my fair share of pain and its incredible how many different types of pain I can explain at 24 years old) I took tylenol, I was terrified it would do something to my stomach since pretty much everything does. Lucky for me it had no effect, at all. I was walking around the Spokane mall feeling like a zombie that was about to pass out or go blind at any second. I made it home and honestly have no idea how the day ended. I remember feeling better Sunday morning and made it to church. (condors just won!! whoop! whoop! I miss those guys) I worked on Christmas morning for a few hours and was feeling it a little, the dizziness, the pain, the new symptom of pain in my right ear with loud noises. Kinda worried me. but I kept my mouth shut. I ended up calling my primary doctor on Tuesday to make an appointment but she wasn’t available until the 3rd. I thought oh crap I’ve already waited too long to be seen I’ll be fine, but the lady on the phone insisted that I talk to a nurse and the nurse ended up sending me to the ER. I finished my shift and drove myself there with my mom by my side. I knew I was fine. I have a concussion (my second dog related concussion), and my brain is not bleeding. cool. I left work early two days in a row because I was too dizzy to stand and my job requires a lot of walking, running , standing. Ive been managing ok, but it is incredibly frustrating. I have an appointment with a concussion specialist in a few weeks, but I’m hoping I’ll be better and won’t have to go. Lord knows I don’t need another medical bill.
Last year on new years eve I was covered in hives and puking uncontrollably, I went to the ER and cussed out the doctor when he told me there was nothing he could do.
this year, Im having a gluten free beer and listening to Justin Bieber, praying an affordable apartment comes up in the next 30 days. Cheers to a new beginning and turning dreams into a reality.
Sorry this is such a long read, but if you’re still with me, thank you. I owe you. I love you.
On Christmas eve someone contacted me that I never in a million years thought would ever talk to me. I’m not gonna lie, it brought back a ton of memories and feelings even though I only met this person once, for less than 30 minutes probably. I don’t remember anything we talked about. BUT, I must have made a good impression. And, If you’re reading this, yes, you should have made some sort of effort back then to get to know me better. And no, I don’t actually have a terrible personality, but I am weird and hilarious, and yes, I’m cute.
If you’re struggling today, or any day, please please please talk to me. or talk to someone. there is no sense in hurting in silence.
I hope this year I can be nicer to myself, take better care of myself, make new friends, do things that scare me, and start up the comfort cafe!!!!!!!!, and maybe take a dance class, or play hockey again.
ya gurl, maris