One more thing

I can’t promise this will be short, but I can promise this will be good.

So yesterday after failing miserably at an interview for a job I didn’t want, (you can ask me about it later) I went to my favorite coffee shop to read. Before I go any further I just want to encourage you with this: If you show up for God, He will show up for you. Be bold in your faith.

I also need to tell you about my dog: She is obsessed with toys. all toys. She is always ready to play. 100% focused.

Usually when sit down to I read I start with praying that God would speak to me in some way, big or small. And I’ll be honest its usually small, or I get distracted by someone  walking a dog outside and completely miss what God is trying to tell me.

yesterday was different.

I was sitting at a coffee bar looking out the window after praying that I would hear Gods voice clearly. I started reading and immediately was overwhelmed by Gods presence over me. I felt like He was speaking to me through every line I was reading. I was underlining everything. I have been experiencing different fears this last week and I am  just in desperate need of Gods guidance.

I enjoy people watching, especially when they are reading or writing and a smile glides across their face. So I wondered what the couple of men at the table to my left were thinking when I was smiling and nodding in agreement with that I was reading.

As I was packing up to leave, these men were too. I smiled at one and he asked what I was studying. I drew a blank. Im not study….God stopped my thoughts. “you are studying..” He said. I spoke up, “Gods word!” I had a short conversation with this guy named Bill and for the first time since surviving meningitis I felt the joy of the Lord in my heart and blurted out, “Yeah! Im really excited about my future!”

I felt great when I left. Filled to the brim with joy. But I had to pee. I drove home and took my dog out to pee and then went to the bathroom myself.

this is gonna real good so sit down and buckle up.

McCoy dropped her sushi toy on my lap. (yes as I was peeing) And ran to her ready position, in a play bow, eyes locked. barking in anticipation. and He spoke to me so clearly, “Do you see that?” “what, see what?” “she’s ready to catch it.” “yeah, she usually is” “did you get that though?” And it hit me like a ton of bricks. He spoke to me so clearly about what I had just experienced at the coffee shop.

When McCoy is ready to play, she’s all in. completely focused. Ready to catch it. And the Lord showed me this as myself being ready to catch what He is telling me. Are you getting this you guys?

I threw the toy and she caught it. I threw it second time and she missed it. The Lord said to me “when you’re busy running the other way trying to get ready for it, you’ll miss it. just stay still and focus. You will be ready.”  ITS SO GOOD.

I was reminded in this conversation that I just need to be still, be focused and get ready to catch it. But if I’m trying too hard, running in the opposite direction I am going to miss it. The same is true if I’m going the other direction and am looking over my shoulder as if I’m ready but I might only catch part of it. I have to be all in. All in means all Him.

I was blown away at how God just spoke to me and wanted to share it with everyone I knew. I was running late to go take the dog I’m watching for a walk. In the short drive from my apartment to this house I was still very full of joy, and clearly hearing God talk to me.

I got the dog ready for his walk and felt like I could conquer the world. Like I could face any fear and survive unscathed. As we were walking, I was still in a deep conversation with God. We were talking about the similarities between me looking to Him for guidance, and how a dog looks (or should look) to their handler for guidance. I wish I could remember all the details of this 30 minute conversation so I could share them with you, but I don’t. So I will move on to the third thing that blew my mind on Thursday.

But first, some background  information on this dog I was walking: His name is Maestro, He’s a 6 year old Portuguese water dog. He gets overly excited with other dogs and children.

We were coming to the turn around spot of our walk, and as we crossed the street I saw two little girls standing on the corner, and just beyond them on the next corner, a dog. I got a little nervous but remembered Maestro’s owner saying she just crosses the street when there are children or dogs. I thought ok, I’ll do that. As we crossed the street he saw the girls and whimpered like he wanted to play, I corrected him and we kept walking. Then I noticed the dog, now directly across the street from us, with no leash, and no human. I was filled with fear. “What if Maestro sees this dog? What will happen? Is this dog friendly? What if it’s not? I can’t break up a fight by myself!” I started praying out loud, “Oh dear God please don’t let Maestro see this dog, please give us a hedge of protection from this dog, please keep it away from us, AMEN!” We kept walking, and this dog kept pace with us but stayed across the street, stopping to sniff some bushes along the way. Each time it stopped I would pick up my walking pace to gain some distance. We got some good distance between us and I felt better. Until I turned around again to see that the dog had disappeared. The Lord spoke, “TURN AROUND” I stopped and turned, the dog was right behind us, trotting towards us. I ran. “Maestro lets go!” We ran faster. I turned to see it gaining on us and the Lord spoke again, “STOP” I stopped, turned, raised my hand to point at the dog, “uh uh! Stay!” The dog came to an abrupt halt, turned around and walked away.

That doesn’t happen, ever.

In my dog training experience I know you should never run from a dog you don’t know because it will 99% of the time chase you. You have to show your dominance over it. Give it a boundary.

My mouth fell open, I had just used the power of God within me to overcome a fear. That was literally chasing me. I was astonished. As a believer, I have always heard ‘you have the power of Jesus in you, you can use it.’ I have never used it like that. Or been aware enough to experience anything like that in my life. I started skipping and jumping, “hooooolllyyyyy cow, did that just happen?! WHAT was that! that was amazing!” 

We walked the rest of the way home feeling completely covered by the presence of God, as if it was tangible. I had to tell someone about it. I called my mom but she was doing her breathing treatment, said she would call me back later. I called my sister and told her. She thought it was pretty cool. It was way more than cool.

I truly am so excited about my future, and what God has for me. I have never felt so much joy, except when I experienced that miracle in 2012 with meningitis and that joy faded because I didn’t do anything to keep it alive. I am fully aware of it now. And I am determined to keep it alive. I won’t let it go.

I love you guys, thank you from the bottom of my for reading my stuff. It means so much to me when you tell me you liked what I wrote or how it impacted you. Don be shy, let me know you read it and loved it or hated it.

see you soon!

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I am enough.

It was Friday about 3pm and I was sitting in a room of about 30 people. They were all off to my right gathered in an oval playing a game. I was sitting in front of an enclosed circular fire, with my feet up on the brick that surrounded it. I leaned my head back and slid down to rest my head on the back of the chair. In front of me, slightly to the right were two people I sort of knew but didn’t feel comfortable enough to join. I closed my eyes and tried to calm down. I felt alone, like I didn’t belong. I wanted to. I wanted to belong, to push myself to be a little bit uncomfortable, to start a conversation, to hold a conversation. But I found myself reverting back to my natural ways. Putting too much pressure on myself to be good enough, to be liked, to fit in. I was struggling. I’m sure if anyone saw me they may have thought I was just tired, or, honestly I have no idea how people see me. I was fidgety, couldn’t sit still. I got up and drug my chair next to the two people I knew and tried to join the conversation. It was awful. I blew it. But in that moment I realized something, “I have emergen-c!” I shouted quietly and jumped up to disappear into the room where my belongings were. I kneeled on the ground shuffling through my backpack to get the emergen-c. I started crying. “no! stop it, you’re fine” I told myself. I was seriously struggling. I got my drink, wiped my eyes and walked back down stairs to the chair of pressure. I sat for a few seconds before jumping up again, walking back to my room and grabbing my jacket. Walked back down the stairs and out the door.

A couple weeks ago I had someone tell me I was a risk taker. I had no idea what she was talking about. But she was right. I am in a season of taking risks, taking huge leaps of faith. So let me remind you: I moved, I got a new job by sending an email, I got a therapist, I got my first apartment, I got a dog, I actually made it to a church by myself, I made it to a young adults life group, I invited people over to my apartment.

When I lived in California I never saw a future for myself like this. I’m not sure I even had an idea of what my future looked like, or what I wanted it to look like. But, I can assure you I didn’t see me doing anything I just listed above.

Last week I had was brainstorming about what I would write about and a couple things happened to me on a Monday night that made me question how people saw me. So on Wednesday I sent my family (mom, sisters, dad) this text:

Hey family, when you get like five minutes today can you do me a favor and write an “about me” about me. You can start with “marisa is..” and finish it however you want. I am doing an experiment and really need your help.

I got an “absolutely” from one sister. and “ok got it” from my mom.

That afternoon I went to therapy and asked her the same thing. She responded with, “I can tell you, but I want to hear what you think you are first.” She had a good point so I told her I knew it doesn’t matter what people say I am, because I know who I am as a child of God. But I want to know how other see me and see if it lines up with how I see myself. And if it doesn’t, what will I do with that information. I hope I would do something to make a change for the better.

I told her

“I am strong, I often care too much about people and get hurt (because the other person doesn’t respond how I expect), I am funny, I am passionate,  I love with my whole heart, I am open about my struggles, I can be rude, I am confident…”

I’m sure I told her more but I’m drawing a blank at the moment so I’ll move on. She responded with,

“I believe you are all of those and more. But what I think is underlying here is that you don’t trust or believe completely that you are those things.”

and that hit me hard.

The next day was Thursday and I was getting ready to go to a young adults retreat with some people from my church, and another church. I was extremely excited and terrified. Not in a million years would I have believed anyone if they told me I would make lifelong friends, then leave them to move to another state I had never been to, and then go to a church by myself and actually get connected with a young adults group and sign up for a young adults retreat with people I didn’t know.

Photo taken by my friend Tess

But I did. And I actually made it there without dying. (I am also dramatic)

I had plenty of good excuses not to go, the best one being that my sister Natalie was coming to visit Thursday through Sunday and I rarely get to see her. But I pushed that aside because I knew in the depth of my heart, if I took another leap of faith, God would bless me. So, my mom came to pick up my dog a few hours before I was supposed to be picked up by a friend and a stranger. I knew I would be ok but I didn’t realize that it would be as difficult as it was. I was overcome with fear of the unknown and what might happen in the next three days, AKA anxiety. I sat at a table in my apartment and stared blankly at pile of paint brushes and water colors. I called my sister, my go to when I’m feeling anxious. She talked me out of it mostly, just by distracting me with her own anxiety. I laid on the floor and took some deep breaths. And I did get to see my sister on Saturday and Sunday.

My friend got there and I had to put my anxious thoughts on the back burner for a moment. A long moment. I gathered my stuff and walked out to the car of a stranger, who would be come a friend in just seconds. I was pretty much fine after that.

All in all the retreat was absolutely amazing.  I didn’t want to leave. It may not have seemed like I enjoyed it but I did. It’s just hard for me to express it like a normal person. Its hard for me to open up in environments like that.

It also doesn’t help when you are attracted to someone and you end up putting more pressure on yourself to be likable.

my internal dialog went something like this off and on through the days at camp.

“marisa you don’t even know this person!”

“yeah but I want to”

“ok just be yourself”

“what does that mean??????”

“i don’t know, you figure it out. say something funny, you’re funny that’ll be natural for you ”

“but what do i say?”

“ok never mind, just smile and nod, thats good enough”

“yeah, good job.”

And it went relatively similar to that every time this person came around. It’s very strange for me because I don’t even want to date this person, I just really really want to be their friend. and then see where it goes from there, HA HA.

I hate small talk, so this was just torture. I am also very introverted so it was hard for me to be around that many strangers for that long.

I took a nap during our lunch time that Friday. I thought it wold be enough for me to recharge and be ready to be around people. I was so wrong.

When I walked out that door I started crying out of frustration that I couldn’t overcome my anxiety. I tried so hard. I put on Hillsong United, another go to for anxiety relief. I walked down a trail that led to a bench in the shade, and further a basketball court, and even further the edge of the lake. I walked up the dock, set down my phone, water bottle and myself. I cried. I cried out to the Lord. I was missing my friends. I so desperately wanted them to be there to experience this magical place with me, to respect my need for alone time, and to know when to push me just a little, for their encouragement. It sucked. It was even harder because I knew that the next day they would be all together for a friends wedding. All of my friends who I love so freaking much all in one place celebrating love. I was having a hard time. Gosh, I miss them so much. I put my hood on laid back and let Gods love cover me. I worshipped quietly to myself and fell asleep with the sun shining on my face, as if God were to remind me that I am loved and in my weakness He is there for me, to help me get back up. When I woke up the sun was still shining and I could have stayed there all night if it was wasn’t so cold, but I also had to be back for dinner. I collected myself with a renewed sense of Gods presence, stood up and starting walking up that hill. In perfect fashion, Not Today by Hillsong came on and I felt like a new person. I felt confident, strong, like I could overcome anything. I made my way back to the common room and sat with the three people I knew before we all headed to the dining hall for dinner. I can’t describe what happened that night service but I can say, the peace of God was in that building by the end of it and I have never been so calm in a room of 50 people. I drank a cup of coffee and stayed up reading in the common room until about 1:30am. I woke up the next morning at 6, got dressed and made my way down to the edge of a hill at 7. I put my headphones in and for some reason decided to listen to Dallas Green. It was magic. Sitting at the top of a hill, overlooking the lake, watching the sun rise, completely alone. I sat there for about an hour, listening to music I hadn’t listened to in years. Some of which were, City and Colour, Circa Survive, and Anthony Green. That music brought back many memories, good and bad. But what a day. What a time. I got up and danced in front of the Lutherahaven sign with out worrying about someone seeing me, “If they see me, at least they know I’m having fun” is what I thought. Breakfast was at 8:30, I made it back in the common room around 8 and I had so much joy. So much peace. It was quiet, so when I slammed my metal water bottle on the arm of a wood chair everyone looked up at me and I just pretended it wasn’t me.

At breakfast someone asked me what I was reading at 1am, I told them I was reading this book called Crash the Chatterbox, its about hearing Gods voice above all others. They then asked me if I was a big reader, I didn’t have a good answer. But I do now.

Yes, I love reading. I have so many unfinished books in my apartment because I want to read everything all at once.  I love books. I love reading. I love learning. I love reading about other people and how I can relate to them. I love deep conversations about some article you read. I love hearing what you’re passionate about. Tell me everything that bothers you, that you love, things you’ve never shared with anyone.

I say it all the time, and I’ll say it again.

G O D  I S  S O  G O O D.

You are enough, just as you are. God made you the way you are for a reason. It doesn’t matter what labels people put on you, who they think you are, or who they say you are. It doesn’t matter. Because God loves you, no matter what. Despite the things you’re ashamed you’ve done, or the secrets you’ve been keeping. Despite spilling your guts to someone only to feel embarrassed because they starting  judging you after that. No matter what. Gods love is unconditional. No matter the circumstances. If He’s there for me, I can tell you He’ll be there for you too. You just gotta lean in and listen. Stop listening to the enemy and his lies, and the lies of social media and start reading God’s word. Stop allowing the enemy space in your mind to download lies and start deleting those them. Start downloading Gods truth and hearing His voice above all others. That includes your own.

Mi Corazón Te Alabará

Halloo people,

sorry I never got back on here to tell you how my doggo got her name, so let me start with that.

Tuna, is because my nickname from my friends in California is “pickles.

tuna and pickles go great together.

McCoy, is because of a story I heard in a church service once. It was about a lady whose first name I don’t remember and last name McCoy. She would sit in the back of the sanctuary and get up and dance during worship, even in her old age, and time after time she would do it and the children in the church would start joining her. She was diagnosed with cancer later in life and continued to get up and dance despite her failing body. She would get up out of her wheelchair and dance as much as she could. She always had joy, was looking for joy, and was spreading joy always. That stuck with me forever and I hoped I could save that name for my next dog and that it would be a perfect fit, for a joyful dog, to be a reminder that there is always joy, you just gotta look for it.

So became, Tuna McCoy. her nicknames these days so far are: Coy, Coy Fish, Coy Bird, and hey get over here!

Now for the other stuff Im here to write.

I’ve been struggling lately with post concussion symptoms, everyday having a headache, and not being able to sleep through the night, being very dizzy to the point of falling over  or almost falling, uncontrollable emotions, and just a constant brain fog.

Last Monday I had my first physical therapy session for my brain (its called vestibular therapy) and went back to work after the appointment. I don’t know if that had anything to to with how bad my headache got or if it was just a bad headache day. I went to young adults life group and managed to stay until about 9:30. When I got home I was in such bad pain I had no idea what to do. Couldn’t lay down because the pressure just got worse if I tilted my head back. I tossed and turned for what felt like forever before finally giving up and started crying out of pain and frustration. I called my mom, who was in Seattle visiting my sisters at the time. She called my step-dad Matt who then came to pick me up and take me to the ER. They said it was just a tension headache that got out of control and after giving me pain meds sent me home. They told me to use a heating pad on the back of my head and shoulders to release the tension.

Since then, It has happened one more time, on Wednesday, and I took tylenol, that didn’t work. So I went to CBT, and my therapist suggested a hot tub or hot bath since the rice heating pad I made had been torn and chewed by McCoy. I got home from that therapy and put on my bathing suit and jumped into a tub of hot water with lavender essential oil. After 40ish minutes the headache was completely gone.

Another part of my problem with this concussion is that I have an incredible amount of trouble putting my thoughts together to make sentences that actually make sense to the person or people I’m trying to talk to. This happened on Monday night, we were talking about what fills your tank and what drains it and making sure we knew what those things were for each one of us. I know pretty well what those things are for me and wanted to share some of it, but I sat in silence struggling to comprehend my thoughts and put into words what I was thinking. And couldn’t get to the point of saying anything out loud.

I have felt the Holy Spirit talking to me a lot lately about people struggling with anxiety and trusting that God will actually do what He says he’s gonna do. I have experienced first hand that He will. And I so desperately want to help these people look for hope and joy.

Last Sunday I filled my tank by dancing around my apartment living room to worship music on youtube. Quite literally all day. I unpacked most of my stuff and only have one box of books to unpack. It was a day I won’t soon forget. Something was telling me (the holy spirit) to do it again today. I gladly obeyed. And Thank God I did.

Before I wrote here today,  I really felt the need to go back and read things Ive written in my past ‘Jesus time” books. Spending time alone with God has always been important for me, journaling and writing about whatever it is I’m going through, good or bad. When I was re-reading things I wrote from a few years ago there was one thing that instantly brought me to tears. Reminding me of just how great our God is.

no lower

I declared who knows how many years ago that I would never be so depressed again. and God has been faithful every step of the way.

love at first sight

There were a ton of other things I felt led to share that spoke to me this morning, and I hope maybe something in here will give you some hope.

I sat down to write and a few minutes after I started I got a text message.

Let me back up to say, I have my second PT appointment tomorrow morning at 9:30. So I asked a coworker to come in for me, to cover for the time I was at the appointment, and she could leave when I got back. The girl who is covering for me tomorrow is the one who texted me. Telling me our boss told her to relay to me that I need not to come back to work after my appointment tomorrow and he had sent me an email with a new schedule. I called my boss on Friday afternoon to ask a few questions about bringing Coy to work with me, about my appointment, and a couple other things. He never called me back.

I opened the email to see that my hours have been cut. in half.

IN HALF.

I started crying. Lord how is this part of your plan. HOW? my heart is racing, my mind is racing, feeling like I’m free falling into the unknown. But guess who is there to catch my fall. Thats right ladies and gentlemen, JESUS. He so kindly whispered to me; “don’t worry, I got you.”

thank god

It is so incredibly hard to be ok right now. I am ok, and I know with my whole heart that this is part of His plan for my life. As Im trying to understand how this fits in His plan, crying, McCoy has climbed into my lap to hug me. Dear God I don’t deserve this dog. I don’t deserve your grace. I know you’ll do it again. And it will be better than I could have ever imagined.

do it again

I have been crying off and on for the last hour. But let me tell you my plan to overcome this. Im going to throw my problem at God like a hot potato. TAKE THIS! ITS YOUR PROBLEM NOT MINE! DEAL WITH IT!  And I’m going to remind the enemy how big my God is. Hey check this out dude, remember when you tried to take control of my life? well guess what? its not happening. not now. not ever again. In Jesus’ name, I declare peace over my thoughts. Papa, remind me of your promises when my mind starts to wander. Lord of my life, take control of my actions and words. Jesus, I need you, right now, and forever more. Take this heaviness off my shoulders and let me feel your presence. Help me to crash the chatterbox in my head, and hear only Your voice. In Jesus’ name I pray AMEN!

YOU GUYS! I can overcome this. I have the skills to overcome this. I CAN do this. Furthermore, I AM worthy of having this dog. And WE are worthy of His relentless love.

talk to me. share your worries and struggles with me so I can pray for you.  I love you guys so much.

the most high

Tuna

Just a quick post to let you know a couple things.

I made it to a young adults life group after having a mental breakdown a couple weeks ago.

And I met the friends I prayed to God about months before moving here. I was welcomed like I had been there before and was just gone for awhile. They have been the most welcoming group to become friends with.

Thank you to the following people for being there: Chase, Hannah, Jen, Taya, Kaelynn, and Tess

I would insert a photo of a few of them here but my phone air balled when I originally tried to send it to my mom and it disappeared.

Second thing is the biggest news I’ve been hiding from most of you for a whole week.

I GOT A DOGGO

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Thank you Jesus!

Her full name is Tuna McCoy Pedroza. But we call her McCoy, or just Coy.

Now here are the answers to all your questions about her:

Where did you get her?

Craigslist, I am her third (and last) owner. Her first owner abused her, I don’t know how bad but she has definitely shown signs of being spanked and slapped in the face. Her second owner, a sweet older woman named Tracy, gave her up to me because she had some medical stuff and didn’t have the time or skills to rehabilitate an abused dog.

What breed is she?

Australian Cattle Dog, or Blue heeler. Though she might be a mix because she is full grown at about 25 pounds.

How old is she?

20 months. She will be 2 in June.

What is she like?

In this first week I’ve learned that she is easily distracted, self-entertaining, afraid of almost everything, cautious, loves my mom almost more than me, she loves to sit on people, also loves to nibble ears, she’s infatuated with anything that squeaks, likes women more than men, not too fond of other dogs ( I assume she was not socialized as a baby), is a very picky eater, is interested in anything as soon as it’s in the trash can, afraid of my farts, she is slowly learning that her kennel is a safe place.

And lastly, while I’m at work I leave her in my room so she’s not roaming the apartment all day, and everyday so far she has rearranged my pajamas. The first day I thought maybe I forgot to fold them but the second day I knew it was her. She will move my sweatpants to her spot on my bed to nap, and drag my shirt to her bed (that she doesn’t use, I might add).

I’m sure I left out some stuff about her but most importantly she is my ESA, and I would even venture to say my service dog.

She has helped me out of an anxiety attack, and today tried to comfort me in a mental breakdown when I was feeling more than overwhelmed with living.

The first time I was panicking because of something small and I sat down in frustration. She immediately dropped her toy and ran to me putting her paws on my lap and started digging in a way that was to say “calm down calm down calm down it’s going to be ok!” And she didn’t stop until I acknowledged her.

Today I was having a bad depressed day and couldn’t shake it. I cried and called my mom and then my sister, and then my other sister. I cried so hard and eventually was ok for a short while. When my mom showed up at my door I was ok but could still feel it. I was frustrated with McCoy because she had an accident in my apartment a few days ago and she freaked out when I yelled at her. I felt like a monster. And because of her being easily distracted outside at the littlest things she won’t potty for a long time. And when it’s 27 degrees outside it’s more than frustrating to stand out there for 20 minutes with her getting scared at the branch she broke from stepping on it.

So, with that being said, her presence today was irritating when I was trying to be ok and I just kept getting more and more overwhelmed with the fact that she wouldn’t go pee outside in a timely manner.

I kept pushing her away when she tried to comfort me and bring me out of it. That was until my mom was getting ready to leave and I broke down again leaning on the end of my bed. My mom said maybe it’s just a bad day and that’s ok, do what you need to take care of yourself. But my depression makes me feel guilty for having sad, overwhelmed feelings and I just cried harder and harder.

Then McCoy jumped on my bed and smothered me with kisses and tried her best to climb on me and pull me out of it but I just cried harder thinking “I don’t deserve this dog.” She is the sweetest, and most gentle dog I have ever had. She reminds me a lot of Hope.

There will be another post about her soon to tell you how she got her name and how she’s adjusting to her new home with me.

Love you all so much and thank you for your support through this life change.

double blessings

SO, I have some major news for you all. BUT FIRST! Let me tell you about my friends coming to visit me!!

BLESSING #1

I had my very best friends come from California (where I used to live, in case you forgot) to visit me for a weekend. And it couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. The week before they got here I had a complete emotional breakdown, worrying about where I would be living in a month. I got through it and came out stronger than ever, learning to completely trust God with my entire life. It is certainly not easy, but so SO worth it.

So, my friends, Margaret, Morgan, Kaitlyn, and Tony came to town and let me begin by telling you I haven’t had that much fun since I moved away from them. I laughed so hard I peed my pants, twice. I am not ashamed of that because it just says how hard I laughed and shares the joy I had spending time with them. I took them downtown where we explored the Resort shops and got stared at for being the only brown people in north Idaho. It was a chilly day, about 34ish and raining off and on, but that didn’t stop us from getting ice cream at my favorite creamery.

IMG_0022
they flew in late at night so of course we stopped to play in the freshly fallen snow
IMG_0034
abbey’s ice cream (and gluten free cones!!)

We went to a few more shops after getting ice cream and got too hot in the last one so three of us waited outside and built a snowman on the snow-covered bushes before heading back to the car. I got a friendly reminder that it was Friday and it was 2-hour parking…after being parked there for about 4 hours…..Thank you JESUS! It was only a courtesy violation ticket and I didn’t actually get fined. We headed home and were greeted by the warm smell of a Thanksgiving dinner. Yup, there was turkey, stuffing, gravy, and glorious mashed potatoes. Not that is matters, BUT I feel it necessary to tell you that I ended up with a plate of mashed potatoes and corn and a cup (or two) of butternut squash soup, which was slightly disappointing.

We didn’t stay up too late, if I remember correctly. Hoping we would get an earlier start to Saturday. The plan was to find a pond or lake frozen enough to skate on or at least have some fun on. We tried bargaining with a local hockey equipment shop to “rent” us some skates but they didn’t have the right sizes. We went bald eagle searching and saw a few but that was unimpressive, at least to me. However, we did find a frozen lake. Unfortunately it had about 5 or 6 inches of slush on it from the snow that had fallen a few days before and the rain from the day before. It was frozen enough to walk on and probably skate on but we just adventured walking on it and watched the ice fishermen do their thing, while taking in all the God given beauty.

That afternoon we ventured back into town and stopped at one of my favorite thrift stores and then home again in time to see the elk herd feeding down the street from where I live. My friends kept asking to play in the snow and I was reluctant mostly because I needed a nap, but sleep is for the weak, I mean the week. So coffee was required to keep this old lady going. We geared up for the snow and headed out the patio door to an unexpected thigh high snow. Insert video of Margaret running in it and this would be the first incident of me peeing my pants. We played for a while building a real snow lady and then having this great idea to get the inner tube and slide down the backyard. It didn’t work. We would try the front yard. After peeing my pants the second time because of Morgan pushing everyone into the snow multiple times and not being able to stand up, we finally made it to the front yard, where we spent some time creating the perfect slide. It took some hard shoveling and patience but when we got it, it was non stop fun. After heading back inside and changing into dry, clean clothes we went out to dinner with my mom and matt. Thank you again to those two for hosting my friends and feeding them for a weekend.  When we got home we played a few games and laughed a ton more, if you saw my Instagram stories you know how many bets I lost. The morning after was a bit rough but we made it to church on time and they felt just as out of place (I think) as I did the first time I went. But we had more fun on the way to the car wash and even through the car wash, blasting worship music and having a dance party. They packed up their belongings and headed to Spokane to find the ice ribbon and finally skate! I was so full of joy the whole weekend, and even beyond. It was the most fun I’ve had in months, and I can’t wait for more visitors!!

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NOW! I hope you’re still with me, because this is the good stuff.

BLESSING #2

If you have kept up with me, you know I had an agreement to move out at or before 6 months of moving to north Idaho. Well on January 3rd I had a complete mental breakdown, totally consumed by this one thought, “I have this overwhelming sense of impending doom.” It quite literally consumed my thoughts at work all day, and only God knew that I needed that to happen on the day it did. You see, every Wednesday I have therapy. This particular session I cried and sobbed and cried harder than ever before.

Let me pause to say, I don’t tell my hard times so people can say “poor you” I write them because I pray they can help just one person find some hope and maybe some strength to fight their battles. If I can do it, so can you.

That day was one of the hardest, but I came out of it stronger than before, and knowing I had the strength and the skills to overcome whatever was coming next. God had so much  in store for me I can’t promise this will be short. I searched for rooms to rent and had two doors shut. I said “Lord lets this be from you, I hope you’re closing these doors because you have something better for me.” I had to keep my faith, find just a sliver of hope to hold onto.

Then came Tuesday, January 9th. My mother urged me to be an adult and go to this apartment complex by myself to inquire about possible one or two bedrooms that would be available soon. I put on my big girl pants and said “okay, Lord let’s do this.” I got there and of course the parking lot was full. “okay Lord lets do this tomorrow!” “just a second young lady! go park over there!” “but its far..and Ill have to walk through the snow..” “shut your mouth and go park.” “yes Lord.” I parked and walked my little butt into that office with confidence. It quickly faded when the guy at the computer failed to acknowledge me and the woman at the opposing desk smiled while she talked on the phone. “I’ll be with you in just a minute.” she explained. It was more than a minute, and my anxiety grew. “I should just walk out and come back later” “no, just be patient.” The Lord was surely testing me. I waited and eventually was told there was a one bedroom available and was qualified for it. A lot of the housing around here is low-income so I had my hand up quick, “pick me! pick me!” I brought home the application and screamed in joy that the Lord had provided, seriously everything seemed perfect, there was nothing in my way, not a thing could stop this from working in my favor. “just you wait..” whispered the Lord.

I swear I got that application filled out so fast and got that deposit check from the bank and headed over there as fast as I could. With my trusty sidekick this time. On the way there my mom and I talked about how faithful God has been with my little faith. We got there just before closing to submit my application and set an appointment for the next day to fill out some more paperwork. The only thing in my way at this point was the employment verification and I was about to give up. I had little faith in my management at work to get this paper filled out quickly and I was right. It took about a week for them to get it filled out and returned. I was sure I would get a call that I just needed to sign the lease. I was wrong. I got a call. But it was a call, asking for my pay stubs. That didn’t make any sense but I said sure, again I was on a time limit trying to locate the email with the link, save them, print them, and drive them to the office that closed at 5. It was 4:30. a 15 minute drive off the mountain and into town. I thought I would never make it, yet again I made it. Upon further conversation with this lady, whom I did not recognize, she informed me that I made too much and therefore did not qualify for the low-income housing. I was in shock. There is no way I make too much. no. way. In the midst of this baffling conversation she said “Excuse the mess, we’re taking over management here.” I got a bad feeling in my gut. hmm..where are the two other people I had met before? It was definitely a feeling from God, preparing me for today.

More bad news.

I found my most current pay stubs on the new system from work and took them in. However that didn’t change anything. According to whatever program they use to calculate yearly income, I made twice as much as I actually do. Which disqualified me from living there. My mom and I put up a huge argument that they had false information from their stupid program, and better yet, the manager didn’t offer any thing else to help me. Clearly I had proof of my actual income but that didn’t matter. I got up and made a snarky comment that was uncalled for. The manager responded with “Yeah, because it’s ALL our fault!” and my mother lost her cool. I didn’t qualify because of their stupid program. We left completely discouraged and flabbergasted. Just in complete awe that this happened. The Lord had opened this door, to a perfect place. And the just like that SLAMMED it in my face. “This isn’t the one I have for you.” He whispered to me as we drove away. I was losing hope, and my faith was wavering. Lord I thought you had me. what is going on. With my time running short, and my move out date coming soon, my mom suggested we try going to this complex that I had submitted an application for a few weeks before, but had not heard anything. There was a sign on the door, “will return @ 4:20” it was 3:20. We headed down to a coffee shop and I prayed for some peace and guidance about this. I just had no idea how this lady couldn’t offer anything else to help me get the apartment that I clearly qualified for. I needed to let it go. I tried but I couldn’t do it on my own. my mom called the manager of the first place and left a message about this crap situation, she called back while we were at the coffee shop and explained that if I could get my manager at work to create pay stubs that only had my earnings from January first to today they would be willing send it to their headquarters and leave it up to them. I quickly emailed the bookkeeper and owner of my work and waited. In the mean time we headed back to the second apartment complex, We walked inside and were greeted by this wonderful woman, who remembered me from months ago. I explained that I paid for the application online about 2 weeks ago and was wondering if I qualified or not, and if there even was an apartment available. the answer to both of those questions was yes. yes and yes. My mouth fell open. you’re kidding me right! She was not kidding. Handed me the keys and said go take a look. brand new appliances, washer and dryer in unit, covered parking spot, and free gym membership to the gym across the street. I couldn’t believe it. THE LORD IS FAITHFUL YOU GUYS. She explained that because my income was tight for the rent, my deposit would be a few hundred more, but that was not a deal breaker for me. Let me tell you the greatest part, IT IS MOVE IN READY ON FRIDAY. FRIDAY! as in Friday, January 26th. Can you even begin to believe how great our God is. Because,  I can’t.

He is so faithful you guys.

If you have just the smallest faith, He will move mountains, and bless you beyond your wildest dreams. And I am speaking from experience. If he can do it for me, I assure you he can do it for you too.

So excuse me while I happy dance my way into my new apartment.

THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!

…..and thank you for reading this. I love you!

don’t get me wrong

Bonjour,

I was just reading my latest posts and can’t believe how faithful God has been through all my struggles in the last year (plus a few months.)

The last time I really emptied my heart on here I told you about how my fear of meeting people overpowered me and how I still hadn’t made any friends or made it to young adults. WELL, I finally made it. and I have been 4 times. I am proud of myself for that. The last two times were in a row (not a big deal, but actually a big deal) and I met some girls who could definitely turn into friends if I listen to my therapist and keep myself from building walls.

In one of my last sessions with my therapist I had a revelation. She has taught me so much about myself in the short time I’ve been here. One of those things is how much pressure I put on myself about my depression and the second being about making friends or doing new things. Another thing she helped me realize is how incredibly important it is for me to stay connected with my sisters. side note, there really is no love like a sisters love.

I obviously have struggled lately with obeying what God has told me to do. And in this session with my therapist I was speaking about how much of a struggle it is for me to make a move towards something good. For example, when I start to feel sad, I immediately retreat (mentally and physically) and feel guilty for feeling sad. ( I was not aware until a couple weeks ago that this is, in fact, the definition of depression) I know certain things will pull me out of a funk and I think about them when Im curled up on the couch or the floor watching tv, but I have SO much trouble actually getting up to do them. The same thing happens when I think about doing something like going to young adults, I make up excuse after excuse to get out of it. It was then, when I was talking-to her about this that the Lord spoke to me so clearly I burst into tears. “Just show up..” I had cried earlier when I thought about how much I missed my sisters, but these tears were different tears. “Just show up…and I’ll do the rest.” He said. Just show up  Marisa, stop worrying about all the unknowns and what ifs. So I showed up. I started saying “Yes Lord.” more. and I pray I keep saying yes Lord, more and more. I can’t even begin to tell you how many blessing have been poured on me since then.

On Thursday December 21 I got head butted by a dog at work. It happens all the time, a small bump or bruise every once in a while. But this was different, when I got hit I immediately got dizzy, tasted blood, and had a headache. The blood was from a small cut in my bottom lip where I bit myself when the dog hit me. I was fine. Two people saw it happen and I ended up telling one of them a little later, “dude, that seriously hurt, it felt like my brain shook, and my head is still killing me.” I was almost off of work so I figured the chiropractor could help me out. I definitely felt better after an adjustment but the headache continued to get more and more intense as the day and night went on. The next day at work I hardly noticed it, went the day with out thinking about it. When I got home everything changed, it was a Friday night and I usually stay up a little later, but I was struggling to keep my eyes open at 6pm. I tried going bed and instantly as my head hit the pillow the pain went from a level 5 to a 9. I started crying and writhing in pain, it was like someone was squeezing my brain. I tried turning to the right, it got worse. Tried the left and it was bad. Back to center and I was writhing again. I made it through the night sitting on my bed, legs straight out with my head leaning as far forward as it would go, and an ice pack on my forehead and another on the back of my head. “I have a concussion, I just know it..” I told my mom Saturday morning. By this time my vision had been going in and out, super blurry. I was dizzy, and the back of my head was still hurting like nothing Ive ever felt. (quick story about  pain, Ive had meningitis, migraines my whole life, debilitating menstrual cramps, a dead gall bladder, abdominal surgery because of it, and a few stress fractures. I have had my fair share of pain and its incredible how many different types of pain I can explain at 24 years old) I took tylenol, I was terrified it would do something to my stomach since pretty much everything does. Lucky for me it had no effect, at all. I was walking around the Spokane mall feeling like a zombie that was about to pass out or go blind at any second. I made it home and honestly have no idea how the day ended. I remember feeling better Sunday morning and made it to church. (condors just won!! whoop! whoop! I miss those guys) I worked on Christmas morning for a few hours and was feeling it a little, the dizziness, the pain, the new symptom of pain in my right ear with loud noises. Kinda worried me. but I kept my mouth shut. I ended up calling my primary doctor on Tuesday to make an appointment but she wasn’t available until the 3rd. I thought oh crap I’ve already waited too long to be seen I’ll be fine, but the lady on the phone insisted that I talk to a nurse and the nurse ended up sending me to the ER. I finished my shift and drove myself there with my mom by my side. I knew I was fine. I have a concussion (my second dog related concussion), and my brain is not bleeding. cool. I left work early two days in a row because I was too dizzy to stand and my job requires a lot of walking, running , standing. Ive been managing ok, but it is incredibly frustrating. I have an appointment with a concussion specialist in a few weeks, but I’m hoping I’ll be better and won’t have to go. Lord knows I don’t need another medical bill.

 

Last year on new years eve I was covered in hives and puking uncontrollably, I went to the ER and cussed out the doctor when he told me there was nothing he could do.

this year, Im having a gluten free beer and listening to Justin Bieber, praying an affordable apartment comes up in the next 30 days. Cheers to a new beginning and turning dreams into a reality.

 

Sorry this is such a long read, but if you’re still with me, thank you. I owe you. I love you.

On Christmas eve someone contacted me that I never in a million years thought would ever talk to me. I’m not gonna lie, it brought back a ton of memories and feelings even though I only met this person once, for less than 30 minutes probably. I don’t remember anything we talked about. BUT, I must have made a good impression. And, If you’re reading this, yes, you should have made some sort of effort back then to get to know me better. And no, I don’t actually have a terrible personality, but I am weird and hilarious, and yes, I’m cute.

If you’re struggling today, or any day, please please please talk to me. or talk to someone. there is no sense in hurting in silence.

I hope this year I can be nicer to myself, take better care of myself, make new friends, do things that scare me, and start up the comfort cafe!!!!!!!!, and maybe take a dance class, or play hockey again.

 

ya gurl, maris

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Im still alive

Hello family, friends and strangers,

It’s been awhile since I’ve been here so let me update you quickly.

  • I wore an emergency heart monitor for 14 days here’s what happened: it gave me a rash, made me realize my chest pain was related to eating, and it irritated me.
  • The results from that were normal. But I also had an ultrasound done on my heart and they found a “possible lesion” on my liver. So I had an ultrasound on my abdomen and they found nothing.
  • I had a treadmill stress test to see why I was almost blacking out when exercising and the only thing I got from that test is that I have an “incomplete right bundle” basically an electrical shortage in the right side of my heart. Not totally normal but also not the cause of my chest pain or anything else.
  • I haven’t written because I’ve been depressed.
  • I miss my friends
  • I got myself a therapist and am currently going through CBT and DBT
  • One year ago today (dec. 13) I had surgery to remove my dead gallbladder.

That’s all I have time for right now because I am sitting in the parking lot in my car at work and I have two minutes before I have to start.

I’ll be back soon.

I promise.

Love you all.

I will get there….eventually.

It doesn’t surprise me that its come to this for me to be writing again. I am missing my friends. crying.

Why is it so hard for us to do what God has called us to do? For me, its the unknowing. I have terrible social anxiety and have really tried overcoming it with this move to a new state. Yet here I am, sitting in my room on another Thursday night, while my church young adult group starts in less than an hour. Do I have time to get dressed and go? probably. Am I going to do that? probably not.

I dont liked being touched unless I ask for it, so thirty minutes ago when I said to myself,  “I need a hug.” and let my mom walk by without actually asking for one, God must have told her I needed one because she walked right back to me, hugged me, and said “I love you, you know?” I choked back tears and said, “yeah, I love you too.” We had a brief conversation before I started tearing up. She said, ” Why does that make you cry?” She was referring to my comment of having no desire to make friends. I know thats something I need to do. I prayed and prayed and prayed, everyday before we moved for God to have a group of people ready for me. But Im to scared. to even try. and that makes me so sad.

I hate being singled out as that new person, that one girl standing there by herself. Looking lost and confused. Inside, totally falling apart and having an overwhelming feeling of “flight” but not really having a way out. So it turns in to a feeling of  “fight.” But thats not the right thing either. So I end up shutting down. Answering small talk questions with one word, or a nod. And then I become “that rude girl from California who thinks she’s too cool for us.” And then becoming, “that girl who can’t keep it together, crying her face off during worship.” I don’t like drawing any type of attention to myself. I’d rather sneak by, behind the other new person, walk in late so I can sit in the back row, just incase I decide to leave early, then no one will notice.

those are my fears.

Praying for an open heart and an open mind just doesn’t cut it sometimes. I have a part, God has a part and the people I talk to have a part.

I visited California for the first time since moving a couple weeks ago. Mostly for my cousins wedding, but I also helped move my Grandma out of her apartment, got my hair done by a good friend, got to visit my best friends, and see a few faces I missed dearly at church on Sunday.  (If you’re reading this and I did not see you, I am SO sorry)

I didn’t realized when I left, how good my friends are. I sobbed when I saw my friends Margaret and Tony. And I sobbed again when I saw Morgan. And again when I saw Savannah. I said to her, “I didn’t realize how much I missed you.” and Im sobbing now remembering how I felt in those moments. Will you guy please come visit me already?

ride or die 2

It is incredibly dumb how I choose to say no to God every week, making up excuse after excuse about not going to church on a Thursday night at 7. But what is absolutely amazing, is how relentless He is. Every week He softly asks, “are you ready?” “no Lord, not this week, I have a cold” “no Lord, not this week, Im too tired.” no Lord, not this week..” I have run out of excuses. and I need to start saying “yes Lord.” to everything he asks me to to. He’s reminding me that I moved to a whole new world and what could be scarier than that? Whats meeting with people your own age who love Jesus just as much as you? BUT LORD. IM SCARED. “girl quit your crying, wipe your tears, put on your big girl pants, kill that spider and lets go” BUT LORD. “no more buts, lets go” BUT…. did you say lets?

He’s always with me and will go where I go. “Where you go, I’ll go. Where you stay I’ll stay. When you move, I’ll move, I will follow you.” truer words could not be said right now and I am starting to remember that He will be with me even in the scary stuff.

Whatever your fears are, don’t let your them overpower you, or dictate what you do or don’t do. Tell God your fears and pray about giving them to Him completely. Im still working on that too, so if you need prayer or just someone to talk to or at, please know, I am always here. If I can’t answer your questions I know someone who can, and hopefully I can be someone to always point you towards The One who always has the answers.

have some more photos from my trip

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Not now, Not ever again.

Ephesians 4:26-27 (NIV) ” ‘In your anger do not sin’ : Do not let the sun go gown while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

Where to start…

IN THE LAST MONTH:

  • I had my 24th birthday, God reminded me, “It’s not about you. No, not even on your birthday.” It started out terrible, I let one small thing get to me and ruin my day, then I had dinner with some family and friends, it was ok, it could have been better. In my opinion, I’m a terrible host.
  • I watched movers move 19,000 pounds of stuff into the back of a truck.
  • I was late to my own going away dinner. But it was something I’ll never forget.
  • I sat in the passenger seat of my moms royal blue Prius for 20 hours while we drove across California, Nevada, the tip of Arizona, Utah, the southern tip of Idaho, Montana and again, Idaho.
  • I moved to a place I had never been before, where I knew no one.
  • I cried. and cried. and cried.
  • I felt like Pocahontas when I saw all the wild animals in my front and backyard over a few days. (deer, turkey, moose, porcupine, snakes, brown recluse spiders, hornets, wasps, yellow-jackets, bees)
  • I unpacked, and repacked. (most of you know that living with my mom is not permanent and I’ll be moving out in January)
  • I cried again.
  • I applied for a job and within a few hours of my interview, I got the job. (its another doggy daycare, they have cats too)
  • I watched the solar eclipse at this lady’s house down the street, with a few neighbors. (they’re all old, which I am fine with.)
  • I had my first day at work.
  • have some photos of me and my ladies road trippin’

Today, I woke up feeling defeated, I didn’t want to go to church, mostly because I feel like I don’t belong. I had a rotten attitude but hid it pretty well and pretended to be ok. I was trying to figure out how to shake this feeling of being sad and unloved and alone. I ( and mom and matt) went down to the Ironman triathlon at the local resort. It was exciting while we were there but when we got in the car to go home I really couldn’t shake the feeling.

I had a scare two weeks ago where my body starting shutting down in the middle of the day, I almost puked in a vintage store, my vision went blurry, my head was throbbing. I went home and slept for a few hours. Woke up feeling ok, until I stood up. I went upstairs and slept on the couch in front of the tv for another couple hours while my mom and matt went to dinner at the neighbors house. I ended up eating a bowl of cereal and going to bed. I slept another 12 hours that night and woke up the next day feeling generally ok, but a little groggy. I just thought, “what the hell happened yesterday?”

And a few days ago, I was taking the dogs outside for their final potty before bed, (I learned quickly to take a flashlight with me because it gets darker than my depression in 2011 after about 8pm) I scanned the front yard from the porch, starting from left to right, didn’t see anything so the three of us walked out into the grass, the girls went pee and then Grace’s head turned to the right and she went into stalking posture, Mercy followed suit. Sure enough there were a couple of deer walking down the driveway like they owned the place (but really, they do). The dogs tried to run for them, I locked the leash, ran for my life and drug them inside. I was more startled than anything, just because they quite literally came out of nowhere.

If you remember from my past blabbing, I have had a few worries about my heart and blood pressure. I was advised by two doctors to not exercise in any way shape or form. So, did that mean running for my life away from deer too? Probably. I ended up collapsed on the kitchen floor trying to catch my breath. My heart was beating as if I had just sprinted 6 miles and my lungs were having trouble keeping up. It was a little worrisome, but I eventually caught my breath and my heart stopped racing. I felt out of breath the rest of the night, and even more so when I tried to put my bed back together. I felt completely exhausted, almost fell over a few times trying to straighten out my blankets.

 

When I was feeling sad today, I didn’t make a solid attempt at figuring it out. I kinda just let it be. and it grew. until I tried to make dinner and it was a disaster. So I scooped myself the last of the ice cream and in my attempt to throw away the container, my bowl tipped off the edge of the counter and there went my feelings with it.

At that point I said quietly to myself, “Not today. You can’t have me.”

I scooped up my ice cream and ate it, dog hair and all. I was not about to let the enemy steal the only joy I had left. even if that meant eating dirty ice cream.  Unfortunately the enemy is as relentless as the Lord, and because I had not totally surrendered my frustration, the enemy said, “go to your room, they don’t wanna hear it.” So thats what I did. I walked down the stairs and into the darkness that is the basement, and down the hall to my black room. yes, I turned on the tv (to the hillsong channel, God trying to make a comeback), and the lights. I plopped on my bed and sulked. An hour later my mom came around the corner, “hey what’re you doing?” “nothing, why?” “just wanted to see what you were up to.” After deciding not to bleach my hair, (you’re welcome Yesse) I walked into my moms sewing room and sat on what I like to call “my chair” and started crying softly. I had a short talk with my mom trying to really surrender it this time. “I’m going to take a shower” I told her. Hoping that would make me feel refreshed. As I was rinsing my hair I found myself in a posture of surrender, with my hands at either side of my head and my head tilted to the sky and just like that I starting praying, “Lord I declare victory over this. Take this from me, help me to truly give it to you. I won’t go to bed with anger in my heart, I WILL NOT give the devil a foothold. Lord, I just pray peace over myself, help me feel your love and forgive me for my attitude today. Jesus, Im begging you to show me what I’m here for. Help me be in tune to hear your voice, don’t let me slip away. Jesus, tether my heart to yours. Let me walk in your shadow.”

I walked out of that prayer feeling confident that I had power to overcome this.

So, thats it for this one.

I have to give credit to Hillsong United for my last post tittle and this one as well, Lord knows they write songs that speak volumes. and they have been speaking to me with every verse lately.

23 and 364 days

My birthday is tomorrow and I currently feel like crying. 

All I want right now is for my moms husband to have a heart towards “family” and yes that includes the dogs. AND himself. 

It wrecks my soul and breaks my heart that he can’t see all the suffering the dogs have been enduring with the crap food they get and the hardly existant walks and exercise. These poor dogs could live such a better life if he just understood what he was doing to them. And maybe he does know and he just doesn’t care. I really have no idea because he doesn’t communicate well. 

I mentioned that he doesn’t have a heart towards himself, I could be very wrong but from my perspective he doesn’t care what he’s doing to himself. He eats constantly. All day long. And over eats. His portions are way out of control and his view of healthy food is skewed beyond belief. He won’t exercise because he says he doesn’t need it, he says he’s strong enough. But that’s not what it’s about! It’s about making sure your body is all working together properly to be the best you can be. I just don’t know how to explain what I see everyday. 

My heart breaks for my mom because she sees it happening and unfortunately it’s like she’s being brainwashed into not caring either. She knows what’s right but she won’t fight for it. 

I wasn’t taught to stand back and watch things fall apart. I was taught by my mother to fight for what you’re passionate about. I’m trying but Lord knows I have no idea how to tackle this one. Someone who thinks they know it all. It’s impossible to even begin to try to teach someone who thinks they know it all. The person has to admit they don’t and be willing to learn. 

In my opinion, He just thinks there’s nothing to learn from a child, (yes, in his eyes Im still a child, in some ways yes I have a lot to learn but by no means am I a child.) It is beyond difficult to get things through to him. 

They keep asking me what I want for my birthday, I just want my hospital bills paid off so I don’t have to worry about that when we move to a new state (literally and figuratively) in 6 days. 

Im passionate about dogs, and health, and dogs health, and mental stability AND LORD WHAT ARE YOU CALLING ME TO DO HERE? WHAT IS YOUR PLAN FOR ME? I feel so lost this moment. Lord help me hear you, I need you desperately.