Ephesians 4:26-27 (NIV) ” ‘In your anger do not sin’ : Do not let the sun go gown while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
Where to start…
IN THE LAST MONTH:
- I had my 24th birthday, God reminded me, “It’s not about you. No, not even on your birthday.” It started out terrible, I let one small thing get to me and ruin my day, then I had dinner with some family and friends, it was ok, it could have been better. In my opinion, I’m a terrible host.
- I watched movers move 19,000 pounds of stuff into the back of a truck.
- I was late to my own going away dinner. But it was something I’ll never forget.
- I sat in the passenger seat of my moms royal blue Prius for 20 hours while we drove across California, Nevada, the tip of Arizona, Utah, the southern tip of Idaho, Montana and again, Idaho.
- I moved to a place I had never been before, where I knew no one.
- I cried. and cried. and cried.
- I felt like Pocahontas when I saw all the wild animals in my front and backyard over a few days. (deer, turkey, moose, porcupine, snakes, brown recluse spiders, hornets, wasps, yellow-jackets, bees)
- I unpacked, and repacked. (most of you know that living with my mom is not permanent and I’ll be moving out in January)
- I cried again.
- I applied for a job and within a few hours of my interview, I got the job. (its another doggy daycare, they have cats too)
- I watched the solar eclipse at this lady’s house down the street, with a few neighbors. (they’re all old, which I am fine with.)
- I had my first day at work.
- have some photos of me and my ladies road trippin’
Today, I woke up feeling defeated, I didn’t want to go to church, mostly because I feel like I don’t belong. I had a rotten attitude but hid it pretty well and pretended to be ok. I was trying to figure out how to shake this feeling of being sad and unloved and alone. I ( and mom and matt) went down to the Ironman triathlon at the local resort. It was exciting while we were there but when we got in the car to go home I really couldn’t shake the feeling.
I had a scare two weeks ago where my body starting shutting down in the middle of the day, I almost puked in a vintage store, my vision went blurry, my head was throbbing. I went home and slept for a few hours. Woke up feeling ok, until I stood up. I went upstairs and slept on the couch in front of the tv for another couple hours while my mom and matt went to dinner at the neighbors house. I ended up eating a bowl of cereal and going to bed. I slept another 12 hours that night and woke up the next day feeling generally ok, but a little groggy. I just thought, “what the hell happened yesterday?”
And a few days ago, I was taking the dogs outside for their final potty before bed, (I learned quickly to take a flashlight with me because it gets darker than my depression in 2011 after about 8pm) I scanned the front yard from the porch, starting from left to right, didn’t see anything so the three of us walked out into the grass, the girls went pee and then Grace’s head turned to the right and she went into stalking posture, Mercy followed suit. Sure enough there were a couple of deer walking down the driveway like they owned the place (but really, they do). The dogs tried to run for them, I locked the leash, ran for my life and drug them inside. I was more startled than anything, just because they quite literally came out of nowhere.
If you remember from my past blabbing, I have had a few worries about my heart and blood pressure. I was advised by two doctors to not exercise in any way shape or form. So, did that mean running for my life away from deer too? Probably. I ended up collapsed on the kitchen floor trying to catch my breath. My heart was beating as if I had just sprinted 6 miles and my lungs were having trouble keeping up. It was a little worrisome, but I eventually caught my breath and my heart stopped racing. I felt out of breath the rest of the night, and even more so when I tried to put my bed back together. I felt completely exhausted, almost fell over a few times trying to straighten out my blankets.
When I was feeling sad today, I didn’t make a solid attempt at figuring it out. I kinda just let it be. and it grew. until I tried to make dinner and it was a disaster. So I scooped myself the last of the ice cream and in my attempt to throw away the container, my bowl tipped off the edge of the counter and there went my feelings with it.
At that point I said quietly to myself, “Not today. You can’t have me.”
I scooped up my ice cream and ate it, dog hair and all. I was not about to let the enemy steal the only joy I had left. even if that meant eating dirty ice cream. Unfortunately the enemy is as relentless as the Lord, and because I had not totally surrendered my frustration, the enemy said, “go to your room, they don’t wanna hear it.” So thats what I did. I walked down the stairs and into the darkness that is the basement, and down the hall to my black room. yes, I turned on the tv (to the hillsong channel, God trying to make a comeback), and the lights. I plopped on my bed and sulked. An hour later my mom came around the corner, “hey what’re you doing?” “nothing, why?” “just wanted to see what you were up to.” After deciding not to bleach my hair, (you’re welcome Yesse) I walked into my moms sewing room and sat on what I like to call “my chair” and started crying softly. I had a short talk with my mom trying to really surrender it this time. “I’m going to take a shower” I told her. Hoping that would make me feel refreshed. As I was rinsing my hair I found myself in a posture of surrender, with my hands at either side of my head and my head tilted to the sky and just like that I starting praying, “Lord I declare victory over this. Take this from me, help me to truly give it to you. I won’t go to bed with anger in my heart, I WILL NOT give the devil a foothold. Lord, I just pray peace over myself, help me feel your love and forgive me for my attitude today. Jesus, Im begging you to show me what I’m here for. Help me be in tune to hear your voice, don’t let me slip away. Jesus, tether my heart to yours. Let me walk in your shadow.”
I walked out of that prayer feeling confident that I had power to overcome this.
So, thats it for this one.
I have to give credit to Hillsong United for my last post tittle and this one as well, Lord knows they write songs that speak volumes. and they have been speaking to me with every verse lately.