I can’t stand anymore

On Friday morning I woke up at 6am thinking I was feeling better.

Physically maybe.

But emotionally I was about to fall apart. I had a small bag of gluten free pretzel crisps next to my bed on the floor (probabaly from emptying out my work bag and being so lazy or maybe sick that I just left them down there). So I figured I would eat them and feel ok. I was terribly wrong. It was the worst pain I had been in since getting out of the hospital. I had a doctors appointment at 12 noon that I really didn’t want to get ready for. 

I sat under my blankets on my bed for a few hours before falling apart. 

I said to myself “I’m losing hope”

I have not once said that since my dog died 5 years ago. Her name was Hope and I really believed losing her brought me closer to God and I would never lose my hope in life because of it. 

 But in reality this past two weeks I’ve started losing hope. 

I cried a little bit but made sure no one could hear me. I cleaned my face up and pretended I was fine when my sister came over and made sure I was ok enough to get ready for my doctors appointment. 

I got ready, went down stairs and later on the couch until it was time to go. When we got there I reluctantly pulled out my debit card to pay my co pay and sat down trying not to cry.

“I don’t have anymore money” I said out loud to no one in particular.

I couldn’t hold it back anymore and bursted into tears next to my mom. She told me not to worry. But how could I not worry. I have been to the ER four times since being discharged after surgery and the fourth time being admitted for the second time in two months. 

The hospital bills just keep piling up. And not being able to work is not helping (mentally or financially). 

I let her wipe away my tears each time they fell. And went through the appointment with nothing really happening. No answers, again. 

The rest of the days was like any other, what can you eat? How are you feeling? Can you stand by yourself? 

Im fine. 

I wasn’t fine. Im not fine. I’ve been feeling angry and frustrated but I didn’t know why. 

Until now. In church. During worship. Listening to these lyrics talking about how wonderful our God is and how great He is and how He is our healer and all these things I haven’t been experiencing in just the last two weeks. 

Im mad at God. 

How could He let me continue to be in pain? How could He let me fight Him and push Him away? How could He let me be without answers? I’m so confused. 

You’re supposed to be this all knowing, loving, compassionate healer and here I am struggling to live a life that’s worth living. I don’t want to be in pain anymore physically or mentally. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to hide my suffering anymore. I don’t want to pretend to be ok. I don’t want to feel alone anymore. How am I supposed to help these people around me that are depressed if I can’t even keep myself standing. 

I feel like I’m sinking, like I’m losing this battle. 

When I got out of the hospital the first time I was full of joy and so greatful for everything God had done. Overwhelmed with joy and gratitude really. During worship I would cry of happiness because of all the small things that were great. 

And now? I’m crying because I’m so confused and angry at how things can turn so suddenly. 

Im sick of faking it. I’m sick of people asking how I am. I’m sick of being the sick one. 

I want to get back to my mediocre life where I wake up at 4:30 in the morning and work from 6:30 to 2:30 and go to hockey twice a week and go to church and be real and go to young adults and have fun and watch condor games and be able to run and eat without pain.

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