“hows it going?”

The last 48 or so hours have been actual hell on earth.

I’ve been emotionally overwhelmed by everything I’ve been through and yet the Lord is not done.

Late Thursday night I went down to Bakersfield with my sister to visit my dad. I was in quite a bit of pain but I handled it. Friday morning I was feeling ehh so I stayed in bed until the urge to pee made me get up. I don’t know what time it was but I’m guessing somewhere around 11. I went to the kitchen to eat some pan dulce. I eventually made my way to the game room where Lindy and my sister were cleaning. My dad had just gotten home from work for lunch and to meet this bar tender that would be working Super Bowl Sunday. I was feeling extra lazy but knew I needed to read this book to catch up for this class I’m taking at church. So I was about to start reading when my sister asked me with a concerned voice “you didn’t read that text?” to which I replied “no I didn’t hear my phone” as I got up to grab it she says, no ill just read it.

“this is one of those txt msgs.

Your mom and grandma were in an accident on the way back to hospital. Your grandma banged her knee pretty good. The other car hit right behind her. Both are going in ambulance NOT LIFE THREATENING. Just really banged up. Still at accident scene. Temple & vista by our house.”

a text from my stepdad.

I froze.

my sister started quietly crying.

Lindy and my dad were sitting at the bar and my dad looks over and says

“WHAT HAPPENED?!”

my sister briefly explained.

I was still frozen. thinking what the hell is going on, why won’t this nightmare end.

i didn’t know what to do. cry? scream? i had no idea how to feel.

my dad went over and hugged my sister who was sitting on the floor a few feet away from me. then he came over to me and hugged me asking if i was ok

i shook my head no. and a tear rolled down my cheek.

he walked away and went back to eating lunch.

I was unfreezing and still trying to figure out what to do.

get angry? be scared? be sad? be confused? I was all of them.

I slowly stood to my feet from the couch, grabbed my phone, grabbed my book and walked around the pool table into the long dark hallway and starting crying. i kept walking until i got to the end and opened the door to my room, i walked in, shut the door behind me and fell to my knees sobbing.

“Lord what did we do to deserve such pain and suffering? Lord why is this happening? Lord I don’t get it! Lord help me, I am calling out to you for help and where are you? LORD I NEED YOU HERE NOW! HELP ME! I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!” I cried and cried and cried until I couldn’t breathe.

I texted a couple friends from church, I didn’t know who else to text.

You guys I can’t do this anymore.

I called Margaret. sobbing. I tried to talk but I couldn’t. between my short breaths I told her I was falling apart and I didn’t know what to do. I told her the only thing I knew to do was pray and I can’t even do that. I didn’t know what to pray for or how to pray. She started praying over me, for me, with me. I got some clarity to speak and pray with her. when we finished praying she said she would go see my mom. I started crying again. thank you so much Margaret. I couldn’t ask for a better friend.

I calmed down after surrendering everything to the Lord. take it, i don’t want it anymore. i can’t handle it anymore. just take it. and He did.

I had peace. if only for a few hours. a few days. thats all i needed.

there was more stress when it was game time but thats not part of my story. I made it to the game with my dad. we talked bout Jesus and my dad for the first time ever told me he was proud of  my strength in the Lord. it was amazing but I give all the glory to God. I couldn’t have done it with out Him. I will continue to lean on Him for everything.

the Divas won a great game that night.

my sister had to work at 8am saturday morning so we left at 5am. when we got home we went right up stairs to see my mom. (both her and my grandma have broken sternums from the accident and my mom has two broken ribs from a previous bike accident back in november.) she was awake and feeling pretty good. she’s ok. but wow that was stressful. my sister quickly reminded me (unintentionally) about one more thing.

“i have to go see whiskey before i leave”

her cat that lives with us. she’s 12 and an outdoor cat. my mom told us about an hour before her accident that whiskey hadn’t eaten in three days.

THREE DAYS MOM?? SHES GOING TO DIE!

I gave her as many tips as I could to get Noodle to eat. (whiskey has more pet names than any other pet I’ve ever had…except maybe Q) She still wouldn’t eat and saturday was day 4. she was surly dying but i didn’t know how close she was until I went to see her about 30 minutes after my sister left for work.

I found Whiskey laying in the dirt in the orchard. she didn’t respond to me calling her at all. but she was laying with her head picked up so I knew she was still alive. I walked over to her and picked her up.

“whats wrong kitten? you don’t feel good?”

I was becoming one of those “whats going on” people.

Whiskey didn’t seem to mind. she just cried a couple times. a very sad cry. a painful cry. I brought her inside and set up a small crate for her to relax in. I called a few vets and eventually made an appointment with the vet where I used to work. I seemed ok. I had to be strong enough for this. but I couldn’t go alone, so I texted my friend Matty. she came to the vet with me and was sitting next to me when the veterinarian said “if it wasn’t a Saturday I would be hospitalizing your cat. This is an emergency, she is very ill.”

I froze again.

you can’t be serious. my sisters cat was about to die right in front of me.

the vet gave me some options and I called my mom crying. “Mom she’s really sick. like she’s not going to make it. Jenny (the vet) wants to do blood work and give her fluids.”

my mom and I have been through way too much in the past 3 months. and I haven’t been working so I have no income. but i have hospital bills. Lots of them. and now so does my mom.

she called my sister and my sister called me. we decided to just buy Whiskey some time so she could die peacefully at home with me and my sister. but Jenny wasn’t happy with it.

“you’re basically telling me to put a bandaid on a dying cat”

I burst into tears. I know Jenny, I know.

“you don’t understand that my family has been going through hell the last two days I can’t call my sister and tell her I had to put her cat to sleep. i just can’t.”

I had to sign an AMA. something I never thought I would do.

they gave Whiskey some fluids and we went home. I walked in the door and my mom was on the phone. she asked what they did and I explained that happened. “she’s not going to make it” I cried. Whiskey cried. I put whiskey outside where she wanted to be for a little bit. I gathered my stuff and went upstairs. I buried my face in my blankets and pillows and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up to my sister touching my leg asking what to do. We brought Whiskey inside and up to my room. We watched her rest on the dog bed for a few hours. We observed her acting very strange and it broke our hearts.

do we just take her now? the ER vet is still open.

we just sat there on the floor staring at our dying cat.

she cried off and on. we ate some cheese puffs. and took Whiskeys paw prints.

My sister needed to go home to shower and get to bed because she worked the next morning. I was strong for her. but as soon as she left I fell apart. Its easy to be strong for other people but once they leave and you don’t have to be strong anymore all bets are off.

I was terrified I would wake up to a dead cat Sunday morning.

I set her up in this cloth crate I got from work, said goodnight and turned off the lights.

My sister called me, I had to compose myself enough so she wouldn’t know I was crying.

she has been having a hard time with her living situation and last night when she got home she was told the gas was turned off. just one more thing. let it be the last of the bad news. everything was still falling apart.

I calmed her down and the conversation ended.

I slept like a baby.

which if you’re smart you know means I woke up every two hours crying wanting to be held.

I am normally a very heavy sleeper but the last few months have been quite the opposite. last night I woke up every time Whiskey moved and I heard her bell.

“ok she’s still alive” I thought to myself every time I heard the jingle.

When it was finally time to get up I said out loud “Lord help me” as I kneeled down to see if she was alive.

She picked up her head and I sighed “Oh thank God”

I put on some clean clothes and put the cat in the crate and went down stairs.

Left for church thinking how in the world am I going to get through this.

I walked in the church on the verge of tears. I purposely avoided eye contact with everyone. but once I got in the sanctuary my bottom lip started quivering, I was about to lose it. I found a seat in the third row between two families with an empty seat or two on either side of me. I set my stuff down and crossed my arms and started swaying to the song. I started crying. I didn’t even last 20 seconds. I sat on the edge of my seat with my face in my hands weeping. I couldn’t stop. I cried through 30 minutes of worship. when it was ending I knew I needed to get myself together or get out. I tried getting up but I felt this weight holding me down as if the Lord was saying “don’t leave, you can get through this, you can do this.” So I did. I sat through service and took notes. and then the service ended and I was shaking with anxiety that someone I knew would see my red puffy eyes and face and ask the dreaded question.

most people knew about my moms accident but no one knew about my dying cat.

I walked in to the nursery and waited for the rest of my team. When Morgan came in she said to me “your face is red like you’ve been crying..” she came up to me and hugged me. i tried to hold myself together but as soon as she let go I saw Margaret on the other side of the counter with Tony. I just shook my head. Thats all it took. she came over to me and I wept again, into her shoulder this time. I don’t know how long but, it seemed like forever. I just can’t do this anymore. she said “you’ll get through this, you’ll be ok”

I was asked by several people if I wanted to go home, I said no. I didn’t want to go home and watch my dying cat. I stayed to serve in the nursery for second and third service.and after it was over  I went to my stepdads parents house for free food. as if I could eat anything. I was in so much pain all over again. In the nursery every time I held a baby on my right hip I would get that debilitating pain throughout my abdomen.

I stayed until my mom and stepdad left because frankly I didn’t want to come home and find a dead cat.

But get this.

I got home right after them and walked inside to see Whiskey walking to the back door. Oh thank God she’s still alive. Not only was she alive, but she seemed better. she was more alert but still walking kind of wobbly. I let her go outside and she drank some water. I thought what the heck. So I went inside to grab her bowl of kibble from this morning. I added some hot water to make it soft and put it in front of her. SHE STARTED EATING. I just about lost it.

I opened the sliding glass door and told my mom. she was baffled. I starting thinking to myself, those fluids must have been from God. She didn’t eat all of the food but it was a start in the right direction.

a few hours ago she was actually hiding under my bed and came running when I called her. she then proceeded to blow my mind with how alive she was. I pulled out the cat toys and she started playing. Chasing them and trying to kill this little ball of black fuzz. Whiskey what the heck! This is all the Lord, I’m telling you there is nothing else! nothing short of a miracle. she is currently sleeping next to me curled up in a kitten ball of fur. purring.

Jesus is real. He is alive. And He is still doing miracles every day. I am in awe of His power. and I’m starting to see the  light at the end of this long dark tunnel.

bonne nuit.

 

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