still looking for the light

You know when you’re driving on a rainy day and you can see ahead of you where the storm clouds end?

I went through that yesterday. I drove down Balcolm Canyon with clear skies and a small road block where the trailer of a truck had fallen over into the mountain side. I got to South Mountain Road and a few cars coming the opposite direction had their windshield wipers on and I thought to myself ‘but its not raining..’ Sure enough around the corner by Jimenez Farms it started sprinkling. I looked ahead and saw grey clouds but it just looked cloudy. As I drove into the dark cover it began to rain harder. and harder. and eventually was pouring so hard I slowed down to a crawl because I couldn’t see the road. There were cars coming the other direction also driving slow and I started to think to myself again ‘how is this happening..there were no clouds coming down the mountain.’ It rained and hailed and poured and sprinkled throughout my drive on highway 126. off and on and in no particular order. it had no rhyme or reason.

I feel like thats how life can be when we are going through a metaphorical storm. You know there will be and end, you can see it sometimes, but you don’t know how much more you have to go through.

When I was driving on the 126 I could see ahead of me way in the distance where the dark grey clouds ended and where the white clouds and blue sky began but what wasn’t clear was how much further it was.

And this is just the perfect picture of what has been going on. Obviously I’m going through a storm and last week seemed to be the eye of it. (i hope) Ive gone through the down pour parts a few times now and I’ve had good days and bad days where I can see the sun shining and i know it will end, but the next day comes and its raining again, everything seems dark, the pain is worse, i can’t breathe. darkness surrounds me and its hailing.

but just at the right time I hear that voice that says, keeping going, it will pass, you’ll come out stronger than you ever thought you would be. Thank you Jesus for these times. I do know it will pass but Lord how much longer? How many more symptoms? How many more dark days?

Not too many more. You’ve got this. Keep your focus on the here and now. Take it one day at a time. Do not let emotions take advantage of you. keep fighting.

Last week I was a huge mess. I sobbed through all of worship and had more pain that seemed to be getting worse by the minute and yet I still continued to pretend I was fine. By the time I got home I was terrified to find Whiskey dead. She wasn’t. The next morning the veterinarian called to see how she was, I told her about the miracle that God had done. She wasn’t convinced  and still wanted to do blood work. thats fine. Tuesday morning she called with the results, “I don’t know how..but your cat is fine, all her organs are working fine, I dont get it I was sure should would have passed Saturday night” yeah me too. But look at this! Whiskey is fine. she’s alive and eating again. acting like her normal grumpy self. I couldn’t believe it. neither could the British vet tech. when my sister and I took Whiskey to the vet on tuesday for her shot, he came out and said “her blood work shocked us all, we couldn’t believe it” THANK YOU JESUS!!

Tuesday was also the day I had to start my clear liquid diet. It was staring to rain again. I felt so sick and it hadn’t even been an hour yet. I still had 24 more to go.  I honestly don’t remember all the details of that day until about 8pm. Thats when I went to bed. Because I had to start the second step of prep for my small bowel capsule endoscopy at 5am and I wanted to sleep. I had no energy and I felt awful. I was rude to my sister and mom and I felt like I had no control over my feelings. I just needed to rest. I fell asleep in pain and woke up at 4:58am in pain. I gathered my stuff and went downstairs to start drinking a ridiculous amount of miralax. Its just a powder that dissolves in water. how hard could it be to drink water? ugh. I don’t ever want to drink water again. I started getting ready at about 6:30 and I was starting my second cup of miralax. I was so incredibly nauseated I was sure I was about to hurl. I burped and there it came. good thing I was in the bathroom and I have great aim when it comes to puking. I threw up the first half of the miralax. and all these thoughts went running through my head, are they going to be able to do the procedure? why am i throwing up water? is this seriously happening right now?

I composed myself and continued to get ready. It starting raining harder. My dad and his girlfriend were supposed to pick me up at 7am. my appointment was at 9am. My dad texted me about 6:50 that he was running a few minutes late. ok thats fine. it’ll give me time to poop and throw up some more water. i was ready and sitting at the bottom of the stairs with my purse. 7am. they weren’t here. 7:05. they weren’t here. 7:10. not here. I was already frustrated that I couldn’t eat anything, and that I felt so sick. I just wanted that day to be over before it really even started. I snapped and said to my mom, should i just drive myself?! she was surprised he was that late. he texted me at 7:28 “around the corner” I told my mom to sit back down and he was there about a minute later. great now I’m going to be late for my appointment.

There was nothing I could do. “Marisa just calm down” I told myself over and over trying not to be rude when my dad asked for the address of my doctor. “9033 wilshire boulevard” I was silent the entire 2 hour drive there. i just read my book and tried not to freak out. we got there at 9:17. I was pissed but I tried not to show it. I got hooked up to all the wires and had the monitor hanging on my left hip. I felt like I had a bomb strapped to me. it seemed like a simple enough task. wear a monitor and swallow a pill camera. I was so wrong. so so wrong. I had zero energy from not eating the day before and was tired and mad and everything else. It was pouring. this was the down pour of the week. I wasn’t allowed to eat anything until after 5:30 that night and was only allowed clear liquids 4 hours after I swallowed the pill. 1:30 couldn’t come fast enough. we ended up at the grove and farmers market so they could eat lunch. it was hard for me to watch people eat and not be able to even have one fry. It was 1:40 when I finally realized I could have the iced tea my dad bought and snuck into the movie theater. I took a sip and immediately felt sick. I wanted to puke.  I waited another ten minutes before trying to have more. and it just made me feel worse. so I didn’t have anything. for the rest of the day. the movie ended about 3:30 and I still had 2 hours to go. we went into a store and left. we got to the office about 30 minutes early and just sat in the empty waiting room. I started reading and before I knew it, it was 5:27. the nurse came out and motioned to follow her “you ready?” she inquired. “its time! yes I’m ready!” we took off all the leads and wires and the monitor. had a short conversation about how tired I was and how I was afraid to eat for a multitude of reasons. and I was out of there. the sun was starting to be visible. I told my dad I didn’t care how much it was going to hurt, I wanted a chicken run ranch sandwich from Native Foods. Its an amazing vegan cafe that is in limited locations and Westwood is one of them. I ordered a small order of the native wings and the chicken run ranch sandwich. when it came to the table I was in way over my head. lets just say that I only ate half of the sandwich and was done. I took the rest home and slept a few hours before getting up to be sick one last time.  the rain was slowing down.

I don’t remember much of Thursday. which is strange. but I remember waking up at 4am Friday morning and thinking “I might as well get up now.” I was taking my sister to the airport and we were leaving at 5. the drive was fun. just me and my mom and sister. we had a few good laughs that were slightly  sad because my mom can’t laugh without being in pain. When we got home we both went back to sleep. I don’t know what time my mom woke up but I woke up when she called me telling me to get dressed because we had to go see my grandma. it was 1:21pm…..  I quickly got dressed, but didn’t bother doing my hair or really bother to care what I looked like. when we got to her complex it was raining and cold. she was fine. just in pain from the accident. we made her walk up and down the hallways so she would get some deep breathing in. we talked for awhile and then left.

Saturday morning I had a class for CPR. I was nervous at first but once it started I was more relaxed and excited to learn. I felt like I was back in school. there were bagels that I was also nervous about eating, but my most common thought lately is something like “I’ve been in constant pain for a month whats a few more hours” its kinda sad now that I see it in writing. but its the truth. I ate about 3/4ths of a bagel and was in immediate pain and wanted to puke. I ran out of the room, down the hall to the restroom. I was able to keep it down but the thought of sitting through a two hour class was almost unbearable. but thank God it passed and I was able to finish the class. I even felt good enough to drive to Bakersfield for the night just to see the condors play and drive home at 6am for church this morning.

it stopped raining and the clouds began to clear.

today has been tough but the Son definitely made his presence known.





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