silver linings

Silver lining is defined as: “the comfort you feel when consoled in times of disappointment”  or, a sign of hope in an unfortunate or gloomy situation; a bright prospect:  

and I seem to keep finding them in the midst of all this. there is always hope.

a big thank you to my sister, for helping me remember there is always hope. and being there to encourage me when I feel like I shouldn’t continue.

I was going to start today off with something that was revealed to me a few days ago. But the writing prompt seemed more appropriate. If you’ve read any of my last posts (you haven’t, believe me I know) you would know that the last 3 and a half months have been a blur.

It didn’t seem like it when it was all happening but if I look back (I try not to) it is very glazed over, foggy, and even like someone took their finger and smudged their finger print over it. I know the dates of my ER visits and other important details. But when it comes to knowing what day it was when my friends visited me, or what time it was when I woke up to nurses surrounding me, I have trouble remembering. I want to remember but I struggle to clear the visions of memories intermingled in my brain. Its even worse when there is any noise around me. I get anxious because I cannot seem to hear as well and fear I might miss something someone said. I can’t say if that has anything to do with what I’m battling internally but part of me thinks it might be. Im trying so hard every day to be positive and focus on the good things the Lord has done. But its unbelievably hard.

Some days I wake up and my mind is already foggy. I pray and pray and pray it goes away before the urge to pee gets me out of bed. Sometimes it does, but the days it doesn’t I struggle the entire day with it. Feeling defeated because I tried to sleep it off and failed.

Last week I seemed to be getting better, Monday I went back to the chiropractor for the first time since before my first hospital stay. The receptionist, Cara, expressed her concern and asked all the details, I didn’t mind because she seemed to actually care (in contrast to most people I’ve seen lately that are just asking to ask.) I then had to explain everything to the actual chiropractor. It was a tough visit. I was not as sore as I thought I would be but that is probably due to the fact that I had a relaxing massage after being adjusted. But when I was at the counter paying my co-pay, the doctor told me “I want to see you in two days.” Ugh. I knew I was bad but I really didn’t think about how bad it was. (my thoughts never went past, ‘this is going to be bad’) I went back on a liquid diet Tuesday (i should have never gone off of it) and managed to be on it for a whopping 48 hours. It made a world of difference, my pain was at its lowest. (as I type this my pain is back up to what it was the last time I was in the hospital, but at this point there is nothing I can do, nor can anyone do for me.)

Wednesday morning I tried to exercise, that was a mistake. I thought whats the worst that could happen, I would be exhausted the rest of the day. no big deal right. I lasted ten minutes of yoga. YOGA. relaxing, stretching yoga. my heart almost stopped. thats the worst that could happen. my heart could stop. (I joked to myself, good thing I know CPR) I sat myself down when my vision started to fade. these white lights kept flashing and furthermore luring my already foggy vision. my heart was quite literally beating out of my chest. close to 200bpm. and my blood pressure had dropped significantly. I let my body fall completely to the ground catching my head on the yoga mat and just lied there facing the ceiling. trying my hardest to see the eyeball lamp shade that hangs in the center. My heart was beating the fastest I had ever felt, I felt it in my abdomen, in my throat, and of course the most in my left chest. I was scared that I might actually lose consciousness,  If it hadn’t been for the sharp pain I felt while standing I probably would have. It took about 20 minutes to come back down and my vision came back. I got up drank some water and went down stairs to check my blood pressure and heart rate. (it was 90/65. and 102 not too bad.) I was supposed to take my mother to the church but that was out of the question because of my inability to walk a straight line. Her husband ended up taking her and I said I would pick her up. I was getting my clothes together when she called me and requested that I bring her Cricut machine for a project a few of my friends were doing. I showered and was on my way. It was Wednesday which meant my second chiropractor appointment and I was excited that I was feeling better (beside the fact of my little activity in the morning.) The adjustment went well, it was like a routine checkup. Finally some good news. The doctor again said two days. ugh. fine. I’ll see you Friday. That night was Young Adults, it would end up to be the first time I made it through worship without crying. A few people even made note that I was looking better. (the power of makeup, a liquid diet, and chiropractic adjustments) I made a quick getaway when it was over because my oldest sister was home from visiting my other sister and I was the chosen one (by default) to pick her up from the airport.

Thursday was my followup at Ceder-Sinai for the capsule endoscopy. But before that I had to go to my place of employment. (on Tuesday one of my co-workers texted me sending well wishes and wednesday night another emailed me sending prayers) I had to pick up my W-2 and some other paperwork. I was thrilled to be there and even more emotional when I was welcomed with open arms by my fellow employees. (think heart eyed emoji times ten) I saw Katelyn first. She was in yard 1 with the little guys, holding a tiny pup that I recognized but couldn’t remember the name. She came up to the fence and said hi we chatted for a second before I asked the name of the dog. “Reinhart” she explained, “he’s afraid of everything, he’s so little he just hides.”

“did you say Reinhart?”

“yeah, you remember Lupo? the greyhound? its his little brother.”

“Reinhart?”

“yes. why? ”

“hmm, ok, Reinhart..Ive got a story about that name..”

“I’ll see you inside!”

I walked in the front doors and thank God there was no one in the lobby, I walked straight for Lydia that was behind the counter.

“Hiiiiiiiiiiii!” we both screamed.

I hugged her and then Hale came out of the managers office

“HALE!!” I hugged him, and walked behind him into the office “is there anyone else hiding in here? Where’s Krystle?”

“she’s in the office over there, or not the office but the room” He explained.

I walked as fast as I could through the recently delivered maze of boxes to the second overnight room and swung open the door “Krystle!!!!” we hugged and exchanged pleasantries before catching up on how I was and my possible return to work date. Katelyn came bursting through the door and bombarded me with a hug before i knew who it was.  I got my paperwork, said hi to Cheyenne and Max, and a quick hug to Alex as she came into the lobby for an eval. I said my  “I’ll see you laters” and was on my way to Beverly Hills. Surprisingly my mom wanted to drive, she was feeling better too. We got to the office about an hour early and went to find coffee and food before heading in to wait in the room so appropriately named “waiting room.” When we were walked back to the room, the nurse that helped me the week before caught my attention and said hi. that was nice, I thought to myself. We waited only a few minutes before seeing the doctor. “you’re smiling!” he explained as he walked in. “you look better, how are you feeling?” “Im doing alright, I guess.” He went on to say there was no real findings in my capsule study. surprise, surprise. He said the doctor who read it said there was evidence of lymphocytic enteritis. which made sense, it was found in my colon and my stomach. But he still isn’t convinced that is the cause of my pain. So I have yet another test on Tuesday morning at 8am. This one is to test for bacterial overgrowth in my gut. it takes an hour and a half. and if that is negative then I will have another endoscopy the following Tuesday. On the way home from the appointment I wondered what I was going to do that night to stay awake. I vocalized it to my mom and she suggested we go to bible study and Kathy and Joe’s. As we were getting on the freeway there was a pickup truck in front of us that had a bumper sticker on it that read ‘real men love jesus.’ i read it out loud and my mom said ‘Amen!’ we went on talking and I noticed the license plate ‘ephs 416’ and I said it out loud “Ephesians 4:16” We looked at each other puzzled wondering what verse it was. so I looked it up, “From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.” We really didn’t think much of it and we didn’t say any more than a “hmm.” But once we got to bible study a few hours later  we were reading Ephesians 4:17-24, and of course my mom and I thought how strange that we had just seen that license plate. We talked about it with the group after Joe read it out loud and no one else seemed to have any connection to it. I kept going back to it, like the Lord was trying to tell me something. and then it hit me. it was for me. duh. I waited it out while we studied and when it was over I blurted out “wait, I have something to share” and I explained how the Lord revealed to me that my body is trying to heal and how I had never seen all my symptoms in one place until the chiropractor handed me this sheet about the spine and how all the nerves connect to different organs and places on the body. I was blown away. with each adjustment my body was coming back into place and each nerve, and joint and muscle is connected and if its not your body doesn’t work right. it simply can’t.

Friday was my last chiropractor appointment of the week at 10:30am and I had a massage scheduled after. It was pouring all morning and thinking of my mom being in a car accident two weeks before I had a little anxiety about driving in the rain. Of course I was fine, but the roads were flooded in pretty much all of Port Hueneme. I spent the rest of the day i the kitchen cooking and baking with my mom. Until Matt said he got a notification that the creek a few miles away was over flowing and there was a flash flood warning. The three of us jumped in the truck and went hunting for flooded streets. we didn’t find any. but we found the creek flooded and pouring into the agriculture fields on each sides. We made it back home and finished baking cookies, making butternut squash soup, and lentil soup.

I got incredibly sick that night from the soup. I guess it wasn’t liquid enough. I brought Whiskey (the cat) inside because it was nonstop raining and I felt bad making her sleep outside. She woke me up a few times throughout the night crying and wanting to go outside. I let her out and she ended up making a quick u-turn and sat right back at the door waiting for me to let her back in. I was up for most of the night in pain anyway so it really wasn’t bothersome to have to keep getting up to play with the cat. Although, when it was 3:38am and I was sitting on the floor of my room entertaining my cat with a furry black ball attached to a string I questioned what I was doing with my life. Saturday I was in quite a bit of pain and really didn’t want to do anything. So I did the minimum and went back to sleep. When I woke up again I really didn’t feel any better, I was back in the blur. I managed to get half way out of the funk and clean up the piles of clothes I am donating,  not without help of course, thank you mom for recognizing that I was emotionally wasted and had minimal energy to do it alone.

today wasn’t terrible but I’m dealing with the after affects of the soup and just about everything I eat or drink irritates the pain just that much more.

bonne nuit amigos

 

 

via Daily Prompt: Blur

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s