Usually I have some kind of rhyme or reason or theme to these posts but today I’ve have felt “bleh” and not really inspired to write. I usually spend a few days thinking about what will go into it and have my mind set by a certain time. But not today.

Today was very different. As was this whole last week. In short, it went something like this: Monday I had to prep for my test on Tuesday which meant eating hard boiled eggs, white rice, and grilled fish. I had a chiropractor appointment. and went to bed at 8pm. I ‘woke up’ at 430am to get ready to leave by 530 to be on time for my appointment at 8. I drank a cup of some clearish liquid and then spent the next two hours sitting in an nutritionists office, breathing into a special test bag  (i have no idea what its called) every 15 minutes. I got sick. what a surprise. had to run to the bathroom a couple times during the test. as if you really wanted to know that. sorry. I saw the doctor right after my test and he said “all it showed was a flat line” thats great dude now tell me what it means. It didn’t mean anything. It was another inconclusive test. WHAT A SURPRISE. He prescribed me two antibiotics that I will be on for 3 weeks. If it helps I won’t know for a week. (which will be Thursday) but in the mean time he still wants to do the endoscopy, thats scheduled for Tuesday morning at 7. We (mom sister and I) went to Native Foods and I chowed down on some delicious vegan cuisine. knowing full well that I would probably become violently ill because of it. In my defense, I only ate half the sandwich. and the fries. and some nachos. I hope you’re laughing. We got back to Camarillo about 130 and with just enough time to get my stuff together and head out to pick up Arlene and drive to Bakersfield for Tip-a-Condor. We got to my dads house about 4 and played with the dogs for a few minutes until my dad got there. We chatted for a little bit before heading out. I was excited and getting giddy. as i assume any 23 year old girl would when she’s about to be around other 23 year olds (and younger and older) hockey players. but maybe thats just me. *insert blushing face emoji* We had a great time, I haven’t laughed that much in months. I made a fool of myself a few times. but I think it paid off. at least I was myself. Arlene and I left for home about 9pm after going on a short adventure around Bakersfield. Wednesday I was still very giddy and full of joy. I went to some doctors appointments for my grandma and went to lunch with her and my mom and step-grandpa. When we got home my moms husband had found her a new car that he wanted to go check out, I wanted to go but they wouldn’t be back before I had to leave for church. Good thing, because I got sick from lunch. I slept on the couch for a few hours ( I think) while my sister came to hang out with me. sorry dude, it seems like every time she comes to hangout with me I’m prepping for a new test or am sick and having a hard time staying awake. I woke up just in time to get changed and make myself look somewhat presentable and headed off to church.  Wednesday nights are one of my favorite nights because I get to spend time with other young adults that love Jesus and it just fills me up. Worship that night was incredible, you could feel the presence of the Lord in the room, it was overwhelming. After a great word on compromise in relationships a group of us headed out to the one and only IN-N-OUT. I don’t know how but somehow we always end up eating out and its usually between in-n-out, bjs, yard house, kabuki, and rarely, toppers. Its always a good time, always worth it. Thursday was another chiropractor appointment and I finally talked my mother into going with me. considering she was in that bike accident in November and then the car accident  a few weeks ago, her body was “all jacked up” as she put it. We spent 3 hours there. totally worth it. She and Matt had bible study classes that night so I just did boring things like, have a solo dance party to Hillsong young and free and watch three episodes of This Is Us, and then paint my nails. Friday I had all planned out (that never works I don’t know why I try to plan things) I took my car for an oil change and got sick while waiting. Then I was told that the rattling I’ve been hearing is not a good thing (I knew that) and I needed to get it fixed right away. 200 dollars and 4 hours later I was finally on my way to Bakersfield for hockey. I was afraid that I would get sick on the two hour drive there but thank you Jesus I didn’t. I met my dad and sister at the game and had a great time with a comeback win against ontario. greattttttttt game. for real. good job condors. and with the roadrunners losing that night we were one point out of a playoff spot. Saturday I got sick again right after taking my antibiotics, at least thats what I’m blaming it on. And spent the morning running a few errands around town before heading home to rest before the game. We watched the kings beat the crap out of the ducks. with jon quick back. wow. got ready and left for the game, we parked behind this restaurant where we always park and as we walked around towards the front dad got called by Danny (a guy that sits next to us) to go have a drink. I took my ticket and headed into the game by myself. I watched warm ups and went to my seat. (that is a very boring sentence) blah blah blah basically. We played Stockton and beat them too. putting the condors in a playoff spot (for now.) a great effort by both teams but obviously we were the better team. We stayed to have a player sign a shirt for my sister. and that was it. I left at 730 this morning to make it to church at 10. I didn’t get too sick this morning which was nice. I went to lunch with Margaret and Morgan, and after a long chat we decided that we were all tired and needed a nap. I got home and grabbed my mail and went upstairs to find my mother in her sewing room, this is going nowhere. this is a very boring post. sorry. my mind is in a different place, it has been completely different since Tuesday night.

Here is some interesting stuff.

I hate bananas. every once in a while I’ll walk by the fruit basket, which for some odd reason only ever has bananas in it, and ill try to convince myself that bananas are a good thing and that I like them. so I’ll proceed to open one and take a bite. only to remember that I actually hate bananas. BUT. this week. well the last three days I’ve had 4. FOUR. I just told my mom “I knew I was sick, but didnt think I was that sick.” I’d like to think there is some medical reason behind this, like I’m lacking in potassium or magnesium. I probably am, so lets go with that.

this year was the first time I’ve been able to attend tip-a-condor. its a great event the organization does every year to benefit a charity. the players become waiters for the night and bring you food and drinks and you tip them. this was the first year I was able to go because they’ve never had a vegetarian option, and with having to pre pay for your meal  I could never go. plus I’ve always felt weird about not eating  when everyone around me is eating. So I was excited for two reasons, I could eat (kinda) and I finally wasn’t in the hospital for something fun. There is something so intimidating about being around guys that you are older than or the same age as that pretty much have their lives figured out. But in reality they are human. WHAT! NO WAY. they aren’t. I promise. When God made them he put a little dash of something else in their genes. good guys for the most part I guess. I’m rambling. SO anyway, I talked to one of them for a little bit about Ventura and such and he told me about his friend that opened a coffee house with a european flair and how he was just there a couple days ago. I didn’t know what place he was talking about at first until I looked it up the next day and had that “OH that place!” moment. Ive seen it a million times and never been. I guess thats because Spencer Mackenzie’s is down the street and after a morning of paddle boarding I always thought fried fish and beer sounded better than coffee and a sandwich. the american in me is showing. thanks for the recommendation David, I plan to go this week.

Ive had incredible ups and downs this week and its amazing how low my lows have been and yet I can still get myself out of them.

Wednesday night I almost cried myself to sleep because of the pain. stupid fries. stupid sandwiches from days before. I haven’t slept a whole night through since… I don’t even remember when. Tuesday I didn’t really sleep at all because my knee was killing me. I guess I should go get that MRI this week so I can finally schedule surgery. Thursday I was in an incredible amount of pain because the chiropractor tried to adjust my hiatal hernia. that was a bad idea. my whole upper abdomen is so sensitive to any touch.

A good amount of my lows have been due to the medical bills that are coming non stop in the mail. and so far I’ve added the ones I have and its about 6,000 dollars. thats not counting the ones I got today for 50, 900, and 700. But I have to trust that God will help me through this because I have no idea what else to do.

As I sit here writing I’m thinking about all the people that I don’t see on a weekly basis and that have asked for updates and I have failed them. Sorry Coach. Sorry Krystle. Sorry Suzi. Sorry Cathy. sorry to anyone else I’m forgetting.

one thing thats been hard for me is maintaining my weight. that was never a problem for me before. but since I have so much trouble eating, I in turn have trouble putting on weight. the weight doesn’t really bother me. its the shivering at night or the baggy clothes or the night sweats because i wore sweat pants and a sweater and now I’m too hot so i put on a t shirt and shorts but now I’m too cold. and my joints. my poor old lady joints. my hands are always freezing. so are my feet.

last night after the game my dad and I had a small snack in the kitchen with the dogs until Q (our 4 year old pitt bull) freaked out about a dog barking down the street. We always try to encourage her to ‘whisper’ but not completely freak out trying to find the barking dog. so last night we had her sit in the middle of the kitchen and talked to her. My dad got her to calm down to the point that he would ask her what she was barking at and without getting up she would just look up at him and ‘talk’ back. they had about a 5 minute conversation that was like nothing I’ve ver heard from Q.  It amazes me how smart she and Olive (our havenese mix) are. we have taught Olive how to answer the question “what sound does a motorcycle make?” and taught them countless other tricks just because they’re that smart. I usually post videos of them on snapchat so you can follow me there for daily adventure updates. (pedrozamarisa)

these posts seem so sad and depressing, but really I’m doing better, a little. Im finding joy in little things and holding on to them for dear life.


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