ça va bien…

person: Hello!!! How are you feeling?!?

me: Hello, In what regards?

person: Overall…Your health…how are you feeling about your mom moving..

I had the above exchange a few days ago.  It always intrigues me when people ask how I’m doing out of nowhere. I never answered the person because, (well in all honesty I suck at texting people back) but I was caught off guard. I don’t really like having those types of conversations with people who are just asking to ask and don’t really care. especially over text. it just doesn’t seem genuine to me. I have observed the most interesting thing the last few months, where someone will be greeting a group of people and ask “hows it going?” or  “how are you?” to every single person in the group. And I have seen over and over again with different people asking, that completely ignore the answer. It blows me away at how many people do that. And more over, it bothers me. I hate when people are not genuine when asking how you are. If you really cared you would wait more than 10 seconds to ask the next person the same thing and wouldn’t miss the answer. And in my opinion you would keep up with whats going on. And I’m not truing to be rude to the person that texted me, if they’re reading this. I just want this to be something to open peoples minds to asking the question “How are you?”

It’s a really loaded question. Especially when you’re not ok, or haven’t been ok. Just be sensitive to people and read the persons body language. and if you don’t think you’re good at reading body language I highly recommend reading the book called, Blink: the power of thinking. Just think to yourself before asking, “do I have the time to listen if this person needs it”

So, on that note. I’ll answer the question above as if I was texting the person back.

Overall.. like today or on average? my health..uhh mostly frustrated.  about my mom moving..it changes daily.

I feel like that all might sound sarcastic but in my opinion (again) Im tired of people not being real. So I’m trying to be as real as possible. Some days I wake up feeling like crap but I have to make a decision on how I’m going to feel mentally. When my chiropractor asked me how I was the other day I blew it off and said “ehh I’m ok” he paused and said “no, really how are you?” WOW. thank you jesus for that because I was having a great day and I wanted to tell someone about it. I told him “well every day is a struggle with the pain and everything but I have to chose joy.” Some days I wake up feeling like crap and chose joy, other days I wake up feeling like crap and I chose to let frustration take over my thoughts. Some days I wake up feeling great, though rare, I either chose to feel good, or I get confused and depressed as to why I feel ok, I assume that sounds crazy to you but I’ve somewhat gotten used to the pain and exhaustion so when I feel good I get kind of scared.

What ever is going on in my body is still a mystery to every doctor I’ve been to. I have been trying to eat food and deal with the pain, I am currently eating a cake donut covered in chocolate frosting and rainbow sprinkles, and by eating I mean I took a bite and and am waiting for the pain. I usually eat one solid meal a day so I get some kind of nutrients. and the other meals are usually some form of liquid, like a smoothie or pureed vegetables in soup.

I think I covered how I feel overall, it changes everyday depending on a lot of things. And about my mom moving, it changes constantly throughout each day. Right now I feel excited. Wait let me back up a little bit. Last week I was a total mess about them moving because I felt like I was being abandoned, left behind and not thought about. I was right about the last of those things. My mom hadn’t thought about what would happen to me. We had a short talk about how I was feeling and about some different options. So now I am a little excited because it is looking more like I am moving too. But probably not with them. They are moving to Idaho and Im not sure how I feel about that place so Ive been looking into the the surrounding areas, Like Spokane or Canada or somewhere in Washington, I don’t know yet.

With all my down time I have been doing a ton of thinking about what Im supposed to be doing with my life and it seems more and more like I need to be in the communication field. I love helping people with their mental illnesses because of all that I’ve been through. My latest dream is to start a group of young adult girls like myself called “Je Suis”  in french it means “I am” I want to help other girls feel strong mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and to love themselves and be able to not just overcome their trials but to come out of them stronger. I want them to feel powerful, like they can do anything. so the Je suis starts the sentence  but each time we would do something together it would finish the sentence.

a plus tard

trust

I’ve been having trouble mentally and physically lately. I have in a sense turned my back to God.

My mom and her husband were in Idaho two weeks ago when I had to put Whiskey to sleep, they were looking at properties and checking out churches. My mom told me it would be months before they moved.

a few days ago they told me they were going back this Thursday through Saturday to look at a house and probably buy it.

that was quick.

the only thing I thought, and have been rethinking is: what is going to happen to me?

everyone at church is fooled, they think we are a happy family. when that is the farthest thing from the truth. everyone keeps asking me, are you going with them?, you must be excited, right?

wtf. seriously people. I just need reality to slap you in the face so you can see what really goes on at our house.

I had been saving my money to move out and then I got hit with this medical situation and there went everything I saved. On top of it I have no income because I haven’t been able to work.

where am I supposed to live?  how am I supposed to be ok with this? why do I feel like Im being left behind?

I asked my mom yesterday what she thought my options were, she really had nothing I wanted to hear. I don’t want to stay in California.

Im supposed to trust God through all of these situations but frankly, I don’t know how.

He’s trying to tell me everything will be ok, don’t worry, I have it all planned out. but In the back of my head I can’t help but hear the enemy telling me my life is falling apart and the only choice I have is to live in my car.

Im feeling overwhelmed. I can’t stop crying. I have no idea what to do with my life. I just want to bang my head against a wall until I can’t think anymore. at this point i kinda just want to not exist.

and that is depression ladies and gentlemen.

when I was depressed in the past and came out of it I didn’t some research on things I could do to keep myself from going that place again. I found the same thing over and over, eat healthy unprocessed food, get exercise daily, and have a regular sleep schedule. It seemed to help for a while but it was missing something. and that is Jesus.

when they bring up anything about moving, or getting the house ready to sell my heart just sinks. I want to scream and punch things and sleep forever so I don’t have to hear it.

they don’t see it from my perspective. just shut up about that stuff when I’m around, yeah? ok great.

detachment

numb

adjective: deprived of the power of sensation, verb: deprive of feeling or responsiveness

With everything that has happened over the last 5 days I keep trying to figure out how I’m feeling. Just to be prepared for the dreaded question. And it’s not really the question, it’s how it’s asked. There are certain people that ask with such sad faces and tilted heads and soft voices and it drives me up the wall. Like, lets be real. You don’t really care that much. I appreciate that you care how I’m doing but really lets stop with the sad faces. how is your dejected face supposed to make me feel any better? All I’m asking is for you to be real with me.

Last Thursday I had a bit of a mental breakdown because Whiskey (mine and my sisters cat) stopped eating the day before and I was afraid there was nothing we could do for her this time. I was right. she continued to decline throughout the day and night. I was actually surprised that she made it through the night. an even into the afternoon on Friday. I went to check on her about 3pm and she was laying in the orchard under the orange tree. she picked up her head and looked towards me when I called her name, but when I asked her to come to me she just let out this awfully troubled cry. my heart shattered. I burst into tears and called my mom.

“mom”

“yes honey?…”

“she’s still alive..but she’s suffering, I can’t watch her like this anymore”

we hung up and she called the county shelter and then called me back.

“take her to the shelter, they’ll do it for at most 30 dollars, but you have to be there before 4.”

It was 3:30

Margaret and I jumped in the car and drove there as fast as I could, after panicking that they wouldn’t take her because we didn’t get the paperwork until after 4, we handed her off to the vet tech and he asked us to wait a few minutes while they did a quick thorough exam. We waited on this bench in the shade that sat against the veterinary building for what seemed like forever. A different vet tech came out and explained to us all of Whiskeys symptoms, all of which I was well aware of, and reassured me that putting her down was the fairest thing we would do for her.

I pet her on the head as she slowly drifted into sleep and sobbed once she was gone.

I was in shock when we got home and just went into some mode where I got rid of everything that was hers before I had any feeling come back.

I was mentally numb.

I laid on the couch pretty much all day Saturday, feeling ill, and mentally exhausted. I was in and out of sleep until about 4pm when I finally got up to eat something. I let the dogs inside and hungout with them until it was bed time. I gave them each a cookie and a toy, and the three of us headed up stairs to bed.

Sunday I had to be at church pretty much all day, I think I held it together  pretty well. No one asked how I was, or if they did I don’t remember. I just blocked out all sensation of feeling anything, and in turn blocked out a lot of interactions with people.

I got home and had a text from my sister, asking how long I would be at church, I ignored it and waited for the second one. she asked, or maybe i should ask what are you doing after church?

I texted her back (a rare occasion) “I’m home, but I just want to be alone”

the numbness was waring off, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I went up to my bed and smothered my face in the plethora of pillows so the neighbors couldn’t hear me scream. I cried and cried and cried until I remembered that my mom and matt would be home the next morning. I showered and clean up a little bit. I watched tv and brought the dogs in again. Mercy slept on my bed as usual, and Grace on her bed. Monday morning I got up at 4am. I really didn’t sleep. at all. I let the dogs out and fed them. fed the cat. wait. no. she’s gone. I burst into tears and walked inside. I had to take that pill of numbness to get up and clean the house. Thank you Jesus that it lasted until today. I cleaned the entire house and took the real pill that makes me sick everyday. I laid on the couch trying not to puke until they got home at 12pm.

This morning I was doing ok. until my mom came up to tell me, “I have a sad story to tell you..”

in my head I was already preparing myself to be numb to whoever died.

“you know matty hickman?” “yes..” “he was in a car accident..”

my mouth fell open and I turned away as she finished the sentence “…he died”

I burt into tears yet again. I can’t believe it.

It still hurts. my heart is constantly breaking.

is that what the chest pain is from?

I don’t know if I’m being strong or numb.

I feel like I can’t be strong anymore.

Being numb is probably the easiest thing I can do.

 

If you are still reading these things, thank you.

a little update on myself: I had another endoscopy last Tuesday and I am still waiting for answers on the biopsies. I have a followup on Friday, hopefully we will get something then. The antibiotics I was put on three weeks ago are almost gone, thank God. They have made my abdominal pain worse, gave me diarrhea, made the nausea come back, and made me lethargic. Today wasn’t too bad. just the chest pain was what really bothered me. My knee is still super unstable so Im finally going to request for the  MRI again. If I could just play hockey again I think I wouldn’t be as depressed. but I can’t yet. So I’m trying to be positive but everything around me seems to be falling apart. I just need a copious amount of prayer. And Jesus. I need a lot of Jesus.