trust

I’ve been having trouble mentally and physically lately. I have in a sense turned my back to God.

My mom and her husband were in Idaho two weeks ago when I had to put Whiskey to sleep, they were looking at properties and checking out churches. My mom told me it would be months before they moved.

a few days ago they told me they were going back this Thursday through Saturday to look at a house and probably buy it.

that was quick.

the only thing I thought, and have been rethinking is: what is going to happen to me?

everyone at church is fooled, they think we are a happy family. when that is the farthest thing from the truth. everyone keeps asking me, are you going with them?, you must be excited, right?

wtf. seriously people. I just need reality to slap you in the face so you can see what really goes on at our house.

I had been saving my money to move out and then I got hit with this medical situation and there went everything I saved. On top of it I have no income because I haven’t been able to work.

where am I supposed to live?  how am I supposed to be ok with this? why do I feel like Im being left behind?

I asked my mom yesterday what she thought my options were, she really had nothing I wanted to hear. I don’t want to stay in California.

Im supposed to trust God through all of these situations but frankly, I don’t know how.

He’s trying to tell me everything will be ok, don’t worry, I have it all planned out. but In the back of my head I can’t help but hear the enemy telling me my life is falling apart and the only choice I have is to live in my car.

Im feeling overwhelmed. I can’t stop crying. I have no idea what to do with my life. I just want to bang my head against a wall until I can’t think anymore. at this point i kinda just want to not exist.

and that is depression ladies and gentlemen.

when I was depressed in the past and came out of it I didn’t some research on things I could do to keep myself from going that place again. I found the same thing over and over, eat healthy unprocessed food, get exercise daily, and have a regular sleep schedule. It seemed to help for a while but it was missing something. and that is Jesus.

when they bring up anything about moving, or getting the house ready to sell my heart just sinks. I want to scream and punch things and sleep forever so I don’t have to hear it.

they don’t see it from my perspective. just shut up about that stuff when I’m around, yeah? ok great.

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