sometimes I just need a hug.

Today was exciting and scary.

a few days ago i got my new glasses and was super excited about it. i had some frustration with the first pair i picked out so i exchanged them and got these super sweet green frames. normally i have a few days of weirdness with my eyes as they adjust to a new prescription but i have now had a weird pressure behind my eyes for the last 4 days along with a terrible headache. i have an appointment with my chiropractor tomorrow morning and hopefully that will relieve some of this pain.

I woke up today feeling kinda sick, but mostly just with a throbbing headache that made me go back to sleep for three more hours. when i finally got out of bed at 9 i thought maybe i could crack my own neck by stretching and breathing but after twenty minutes of it, i gave up. i showered and got dressed for my very first appointment at UCLA. I ate some gluten free pancakes with blueberries, strawberries, maple syrup, and whipped cream. It didn’t sit well. In fact, shortly after eating I found myself running to the bathroom to poop. I was having some serious abdominal pain but I refused to acknowledge it. It finally got bad enough that I said something out loud to my mom and she said “thats probably a good thing” meaning that the doctor would be able to see how much pain I was in and figure out something to do to help me. I was not feeling up to driving there so she drove my car. We got there and checked in, I filled out my new patient paperwork (the shortest stack of papers I’ve ever had to fill out as a new patient) and waited for the nurse to call me in.

I was weighed, asked  a few questions about why I was there, had my blood pressure taken, and temperature taken. I still weigh 127, which is 13 pounds lighter than I did when I was in the hospital the first time. Its a good weight for me, as long as I’m healthy. My blood pressure was on the low side again at, 98/64. Not the lowest its been but still concerning. I waited for the doctor. and his assistant came in to ask about my medical history and all the good stuff. she talked with me for a good while and did a short physical exam, I cringed when she got to my right upper abdomen and waited for the hurt. It came and went. She pushed again, and it came and went. I did a half sit up, she pushed and it didn’t hurt. Thats what should happen if you didn’t know. She left, and we waited for the doctor to come in with her. They eventually came, and talked to me a little bit more about what I can and can’t eat, what makes the pain worse and what makes it better. Jello. I said Jello. thats the only thing that doesn’t make it hurt, and is also the only thing that satisfies my hunger when it comes. He asked  me a few questions some of which I had been asked many times before and a few that I had never been asked. Then he dropped a bomb. Angioedema. Its basically random swelling in the face or limbs. which I have had a few times since this all started. Sometimes comes without reason. There were a few other things he mentioned; redoing the capsule study, and doing a deep enteroscopy. But he would only consider doing the latter if the blood tests he ordered come back with any sign of abnormalities. He said with what I have and haven’t been able to eat, I would be malnourished but I didn’t look like it to him. He wasnt convinced so that is one of the tests he ordered. He also asked about a stool test and didn’t seem as surprised as I thought he would be when I said I hadn’t had one. So he ordered that too. My mom had to leave just before the appointment was over so she could catch her flight with matt. (thats a whole different story, a much more exciting story which I will tell at a later date) So I was left to be a big girl and figure out the rest on my own. I waited in the room after they left, and was getting anxious that I heard them wrong so I got up and went to the front desk to ask for a bathroom, the woman directed me back down the hallway I had just come from. When I was coming from the bathroom, back down the hallway, I was a little surprised to see that there was another patient in the room I had been in. So I played it cool and walked back to the front desk and asked “Do I need to check out or am I good to go..?” The same lady that told me where the bathroom was informed me that I needed to wait another 15 minutes in the lobby so the doctors assistant could enter all the tests to be done. I waited about 20 and was told to go up one floor to the lab in suite 307 to have my blood drawn and then down to the first floor and out to the next building to suite 145 to get my poop test kit. I made it up to the third floor to get my blood drawn and was kindly told by the technician that there were no labs in the system for me and maybe the doctor forgot submit it. So back upstairs I went, and talked to the bathroom direction lady, to which she said all the tests were in there and she didn’t understand why the nurse couldn’t see them on her end. She called that lab lady and tried to get her to open the right tab and I swear this was taking forever and I was ready to give up and go home. But I kept calm and had a conversation with the guy at the front desk about how this had happened before when I was scheduled for a colonoscopy and showed up for it and no one could find me in the system, and I said. “y’all better figure out what went wrong here because I didn’t do all that prep for nothing” They eventually found it and I had it done. Same goes for the blood work today, the lab lady explained to me when I went back upstairs that there was another patient with the same name and birthdate as myself but with a different account number. whatever lady just take my blood. I eventually made my way to the second building to get my poop kit and was on my way home (after some serious confusion on how to pay for parking). I made it to class a little late, but it was worth it. I was prayed over and went to my car to drive home. I was trying my hardest to not cry. I started to feel overwhelmed with fear of a new diagnosis and what that might mean for my future. I got home and texted my mom that my pain hadn’t gotten any better, and was actually felling worse. She was still on airplane mode. I broke down crying. I composed myself and went upstairs to get some pain meds. I just want to sleep this away. I took the meds and threw up a few minutes later. the pill. the carrots. the peppers. the crackers. the hummus. ugh. I broke down crying again, Lord I know everything will be ok but I’m so scared at this moment and I just need a hug. I fell to my knees and wept. I had worship music on which didn’t seem to help. my sister texted me asking how the appointment went and I asked if I could call. She was at dinner and would call when she was done. I told her I didn’t know how long I would be awake, but that I was falling apart at that moment. She called me and calmed me dow, we cried a little together and just talked like sisters do.

Sometimes I get so frustrated and overwhelmed I just want to pound my head against a wall. or the toilet seat, if I’m throwing up. that has happened before. I have done both.

I still need a hug.

goodnight.

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how bad do you want it?

‘I haven’t written in a few months because i haven’t really had anything on my mind to share. But recently I have been going through some stuff. It’s not easy for me to write when things are good because I’m not spiraling out of control. But when things get kinda bad and then really bad my mind starts drifting away from hearing God’s voice and I start hearing the enemies’ voice become louder and louder. Im no stranger to depression or anxiety but after battling it for years and knowing the victory I can have over it, it’s hard to ignore it when it comes. And what’s stupid is that I know how to keep it away, for the most part, and I actively choose to do the opposite. I know that being in God’s word and being in tune to hearing His voice will keep the voices in my head quiet, yet I choose to watch chopped for three hours, and then wonder why the next day I wake up frustrated. Duh marisa. If I could just be so desperate to want it more.

I have still been struggling with my physical health. the church I go to has been going through a lot of changes, ehh, I won’t talk about that, never mind. But they did host a generations conference where the community’s kids, teens, and young adults got together for a a couple sessions of hearing God’s word and no doubt it was powerful.

I interrupt this blog post to tell you the oilers just lost to to the ducks in game 7, I’m not actually crying but my heart is.

Last week was my first full week back at work, lets just say it didn’t go as well as we all hoped. I made it through Monday and Tuesday and half of Wednesday, keep in mind that I have only been working 6 hour days. I came down with a cold Tuesday and it was ten times worse by Wednesday morning so I left work early to rest, I tried sleeping it off but the pain from the pressure in my head was so bad I broke down and took some Sudafed PE, my mother warned me that maybe it would make my stomach pain worse so thats why I didn’t take it while at work. Thank you Jesus. After about an hour of taking it I noticed my headache was gone but I was feeling more and more stomach sick and the pain was getting worse. I drank some vegetable broth and it came right back up. I thought oh no here we go again. I had been doing great on a liquid diet so I knew throwing up this time was a red flag, I just didn’t want to believe it. I started slowly writhing on the floor of my bedroom before my mom came to ask me something when she realized I was crying. I cried out to her between my sobs “mom I feel like I did when I was sick the first time..” she said “before you had your gallbladder removed?” I nodded yes. It was seriously happening all over again. I called my primary doctor when I got home from work so I could be seen for the pressure in my head, my mom drove me to that appointment at 6pm and eventually drove me to the ER. My doctor knew there was nothing he could do for me and the only thing that would stop me from screaming my lungs out and wanting to crawl out of my skin was some kind of relief only the ER doctors could give me. I was (and still am) so frustrated and sick of being sick and stabbed with needles and being asked if I’m pregnant and everything regarding my health. so incredibly sick of it all. I was only in the ER for a few hours so they could let the morphine do its thing and monitor that it wouldn’t get worse like before. and when the CT scan came back clear they said what every other doctor has told before “I’m sorry everything looks clear, there’s nothing there, I can’t do anything else for you.”

Im doing better today. the days following i knew everyone at work had counted me out, probably placed bets that I would call out sick. But I proved them all wrong and pushed through it. I continued to throw up everything I ate for the next 6 days and each time was brought to tears because just once I would like to enjoy a meal and not  have to taste it a second time. Monday night at my bible study class I had someone pray over me, and I became aware of my faith and trust in the Lord. She said something me that I had to correct her right away, “when you eat something, thank the Lord that you will keep it down, have faith that it won’t come back up” and I was like woah slow down, Im the complete opposite, when I eat anything Im thinking and praying “Lord I’m trusting you and I have faith that this time I will keep it down.” And twenty minutes later I’m puking it back up and screaming WHY?  and then she said “but have faith that He’s doing something even through the vomiting.” and my eyes were opened. THAT is true faith, trusting God in the bad, and yes, even the puking. God, I have no idea why this is happening but I’m choosing to have faith and trust that you’re doing something good.

Today, I said screw it with the healthy food and went for the vegan deep fried fish tacos with salsa. and guess what. I DIDNT THROW IT UP.  can I get and AMEN. praise God. seriously. how in the world did that stay down. I’ll tell you how, it was NOT OF THIS WOLRD. thats how. sure I may have had some abdominal pain with it, but I did not get one bit of “sick.”

I’d just like to take a moment now to apologize to some people,

to my friends, for being so distant, please understand that this is the longest and most difficult trial Ive been through and Its taken a lot out of me. mentally and physically. Im trying to adjust to what I can and can’t do.

and, to a few people I know but don’t know if you would call me your friend or just someone you know, Im sorry for being distant and closed off and not really willing to let you in. Im afraid of making new friends because, frankly Im a terrible friend. I’m trying to get better but I guess not trying hard enough.

And to this one person who I see very rarely but when I do I feel like praising God even more just for the simple fact that our paths crossed one more time. You have the best hugs, and a passion for jesus that is so beautiful. I pray that one day I am bold enough to ask you out for lunch, but I guess I don’t want it that bad because I haven’t done it yet.

I am currently sobbing of this song right now, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ah0uydqMYhE

Its time for bed, my dogs are growling at me because they want to sleep.

thanks for reading, bonne nuit