how bad do you want it?

‘I haven’t written in a few months because i haven’t really had anything on my mind to share. But recently I have been going through some stuff. It’s not easy for me to write when things are good because I’m not spiraling out of control. But when things get kinda bad and then really bad my mind starts drifting away from hearing God’s voice and I start hearing the enemies’ voice become louder and louder. Im no stranger to depression or anxiety but after battling it for years and knowing the victory I can have over it, it’s hard to ignore it when it comes. And what’s stupid is that I know how to keep it away, for the most part, and I actively choose to do the opposite. I know that being in God’s word and being in tune to hearing His voice will keep the voices in my head quiet, yet I choose to watch chopped for three hours, and then wonder why the next day I wake up frustrated. Duh marisa. If I could just be so desperate to want it more.

I have still been struggling with my physical health. the church I go to has been going through a lot of changes, ehh, I won’t talk about that, never mind. But they did host a generations conference where the community’s kids, teens, and young adults got together for a a couple sessions of hearing God’s word and no doubt it was powerful.

I interrupt this blog post to tell you the oilers just lost to to the ducks in game 7, I’m not actually crying but my heart is.

Last week was my first full week back at work, lets just say it didn’t go as well as we all hoped. I made it through Monday and Tuesday and half of Wednesday, keep in mind that I have only been working 6 hour days. I came down with a cold Tuesday and it was ten times worse by Wednesday morning so I left work early to rest, I tried sleeping it off but the pain from the pressure in my head was so bad I broke down and took some Sudafed PE, my mother warned me that maybe it would make my stomach pain worse so thats why I didn’t take it while at work. Thank you Jesus. After about an hour of taking it I noticed my headache was gone but I was feeling more and more stomach sick and the pain was getting worse. I drank some vegetable broth and it came right back up. I thought oh no here we go again. I had been doing great on a liquid diet so I knew throwing up this time was a red flag, I just didn’t want to believe it. I started slowly writhing on the floor of my bedroom before my mom came to ask me something when she realized I was crying. I cried out to her between my sobs “mom I feel like I did when I was sick the first time..” she said “before you had your gallbladder removed?” I nodded yes. It was seriously happening all over again. I called my primary doctor when I got home from work so I could be seen for the pressure in my head, my mom drove me to that appointment at 6pm and eventually drove me to the ER. My doctor knew there was nothing he could do for me and the only thing that would stop me from screaming my lungs out and wanting to crawl out of my skin was some kind of relief only the ER doctors could give me. I was (and still am) so frustrated and sick of being sick and stabbed with needles and being asked if I’m pregnant and everything regarding my health. so incredibly sick of it all. I was only in the ER for a few hours so they could let the morphine do its thing and monitor that it wouldn’t get worse like before. and when the CT scan came back clear they said what every other doctor has told before “I’m sorry everything looks clear, there’s nothing there, I can’t do anything else for you.”

Im doing better today. the days following i knew everyone at work had counted me out, probably placed bets that I would call out sick. But I proved them all wrong and pushed through it. I continued to throw up everything I ate for the next 6 days and each time was brought to tears because just once I would like to enjoy a meal and not  have to taste it a second time. Monday night at my bible study class I had someone pray over me, and I became aware of my faith and trust in the Lord. She said something me that I had to correct her right away, “when you eat something, thank the Lord that you will keep it down, have faith that it won’t come back up” and I was like woah slow down, Im the complete opposite, when I eat anything Im thinking and praying “Lord I’m trusting you and I have faith that this time I will keep it down.” And twenty minutes later I’m puking it back up and screaming WHY?  and then she said “but have faith that He’s doing something even through the vomiting.” and my eyes were opened. THAT is true faith, trusting God in the bad, and yes, even the puking. God, I have no idea why this is happening but I’m choosing to have faith and trust that you’re doing something good.

Today, I said screw it with the healthy food and went for the vegan deep fried fish tacos with salsa. and guess what. I DIDNT THROW IT UP.  can I get and AMEN. praise God. seriously. how in the world did that stay down. I’ll tell you how, it was NOT OF THIS WOLRD. thats how. sure I may have had some abdominal pain with it, but I did not get one bit of “sick.”

I’d just like to take a moment now to apologize to some people,

to my friends, for being so distant, please understand that this is the longest and most difficult trial Ive been through and Its taken a lot out of me. mentally and physically. Im trying to adjust to what I can and can’t do.

and, to a few people I know but don’t know if you would call me your friend or just someone you know, Im sorry for being distant and closed off and not really willing to let you in. Im afraid of making new friends because, frankly Im a terrible friend. I’m trying to get better but I guess not trying hard enough.

And to this one person who I see very rarely but when I do I feel like praising God even more just for the simple fact that our paths crossed one more time. You have the best hugs, and a passion for jesus that is so beautiful. I pray that one day I am bold enough to ask you out for lunch, but I guess I don’t want it that bad because I haven’t done it yet.

I am currently sobbing of this song right now, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ah0uydqMYhE

Its time for bed, my dogs are growling at me because they want to sleep.

thanks for reading, bonne nuit

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