23 and 364 days

My birthday is tomorrow and I currently feel like crying. 

All I want right now is for my moms husband to have a heart towards “family” and yes that includes the dogs. AND himself. 

It wrecks my soul and breaks my heart that he can’t see all the suffering the dogs have been enduring with the crap food they get and the hardly existant walks and exercise. These poor dogs could live such a better life if he just understood what he was doing to them. And maybe he does know and he just doesn’t care. I really have no idea because he doesn’t communicate well. 

I mentioned that he doesn’t have a heart towards himself, I could be very wrong but from my perspective he doesn’t care what he’s doing to himself. He eats constantly. All day long. And over eats. His portions are way out of control and his view of healthy food is skewed beyond belief. He won’t exercise because he says he doesn’t need it, he says he’s strong enough. But that’s not what it’s about! It’s about making sure your body is all working together properly to be the best you can be. I just don’t know how to explain what I see everyday. 

My heart breaks for my mom because she sees it happening and unfortunately it’s like she’s being brainwashed into not caring either. She knows what’s right but she won’t fight for it. 

I wasn’t taught to stand back and watch things fall apart. I was taught by my mother to fight for what you’re passionate about. I’m trying but Lord knows I have no idea how to tackle this one. Someone who thinks they know it all. It’s impossible to even begin to try to teach someone who thinks they know it all. The person has to admit they don’t and be willing to learn. 

In my opinion, He just thinks there’s nothing to learn from a child, (yes, in his eyes Im still a child, in some ways yes I have a lot to learn but by no means am I a child.) It is beyond difficult to get things through to him. 

They keep asking me what I want for my birthday, I just want my hospital bills paid off so I don’t have to worry about that when we move to a new state (literally and figuratively) in 6 days. 

Im passionate about dogs, and health, and dogs health, and mental stability AND LORD WHAT ARE YOU CALLING ME TO DO HERE? WHAT IS YOUR PLAN FOR ME? I feel so lost this moment. Lord help me hear you, I need you desperately. 

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and i won’t be afraid

 

its time to write again.

Im sitting here in my mostly empty bedroom. trying to figure out how to put into words whats been going on. I can’t figure it out. I read one of my previous posts and started crying, I can’t believe how much I’ve been through. I can’t believe after all of that, I don’t breakdown crying every day. But at the same time it makes me realize how good God is. That He won’t let me fall. And even if I do, He’s still holding me.

I don’t really remember everything that has happened in the last month but ill try my best:

  • I went to a friends birthday dinner and had the most fun I’ve had in a long time.
  • I cried the next day for the first time thinking about missing the friends I’ve made here.
  • I baked a ton of gluten free lemon cupcakes
  • I had friends over for a small backyard fourth of july barbecue.
  • I started to get sick again.
  • I went out to dinner after young adults for the first time since late december. that was a mistake.  I learned who my real friends are.
  • my last day of work was July 11th, that was rough. I’ve never had such a great support system at any place of work, except maybe when my sister was my manager. regardless, working at Dioji taught me so many things about myself that I never knew. So, thank you to the ones who helped me realize my potential. Love you guys.
  • July 13th came and I had my first appointment with Dr. Lo, he is the number one specialist in the country for Sphincter Of Oddi Dysfunction, He didn’t say I don’t have it but he did put me in the the category of Type 3. he put me on an anti-depressant because of the connection between the brain and the gastrointestinal system, mostly for pain control.
  • my capsule endoscopy was july 19th. that was one roller coaster of an experience.
  • I have been listening to he new Hillsong United album non stop. current favorite songs are: Not Today, and Glimmer in the Dust
  • I climbed inside a tangerine tree.
  • i held a newborn goat
  • I saw Whiskeys boyfriend Boss Kitty in our front yard
  • my moms great aunt passed away almost two weeks ago so her services were last Tuesday, My aunt Patty came down to stay with us the monday night before and the following night. It couldn’t have been better timing. I had to prep for my EGD/Capsule Endoscopy tuesday night and if there is anyone that knows that struggle, its her.
  • my mother and I baked gluten free zucchini bread.
  • i sold my car

I had some time last Monday to sit and talk to my aunt and it was really something I’ll never forget. She has been through even more than I have regarding GI stuff, having had parts of her colon removed and surgery after surgery to repair what is left. God certainly used her testimony to remind me He’s still with me. I was on the edge of a mental breakdown and He used her to pull me back into His love.  and at the end of it all, when she was already tucked in to her blankets on the couch she said to me as I walked upstairs, “hey Maris, Im proud of you.” I almost cried but instead I just smiled and said thank you.

My EGD prep was the worst. I don’t understand why the stuff has to taste so bad, like pure celery extract. It didn’t go down easy. I threw up a tiny bit of it. But I drank almost all 4 liters of it by the time I had to get up to head down to UCLA for the appointment. When we got there I had to run to the bathroom a couple times just on the way up to the medical procedures unit. When we got there we checked in and waited a few minutes before I was called back, Thank God my mother was with me. I was getting a little anxious. The nurse introduced himself as Chris, and walked us back to a large exam room. I saw the bed, the bp cuff, the bp monitor, the IV, and everything else. But then he started talking and it sounded like I was just supposed to swallow the pill and wear the monitor all day. My mother put the breaks on and started scolding him that I was not about to have this procedure done without the EGD/anesthesia part of it, she explained why (the first time it was done the camera stayed in my stomach 48 minutes and died before it got to the end of my small intestine) This time they were supposed to deploy it past my stomach during the EGD so it would get everything. We ended up waiting in the room while the doctors and nurses tried to figure out what happened with the scheduling and called my doctor to see what they should do.  After a while Chris came back in and said they were just waiting for my doctor to talk to the charge nurse. We talked to Chris about my symptoms and of course my chronically low blood pressure came up. He didn’t believe us so he opted to check it right then. He did, and when it read, of course the alarm went off because it was 100/46. His jaw fell open and she shook me “are you alive?!” he screamed. “Yeah I feel fine, a little dizzy but I always am.” he took it again, It was 96/56. He warned us that, that could point to a cardiovascular disease, then he shook his head and said no, you would be tired all the time too, it would manifest like a cold. My mom told him about my daily 6 hour naps, and sleeping 9-10 hours a night and my randomly sore throat. His jaw fell open again. He said, “If this test doesn’t show anything, you need to see a cardiovascular disease specialist, even if it does show something you still need to get that checked out.”  He walked us back to the waiting room so he could start on the next patient who actually had a scheduled appointment. We waited a few minutes before being called back again by a different nurse, this time we went straight to the pre op bed, and all of a sudden everyone was introducing themselves, Rob the anesthesiologist, joy the nurse, and i don’t remember the others,  They were asking my name and date of birth and telling me what they would be doing along with putting leads on chest to monitor my heart, and sticking me with a needle to start the iv, fast is an understatement. they were moving like lightning. as soon as one nurse would leave another would show up. I had the procedure done and was on my way after a while.

I have been told there was something wrong with my heart before, that it wasn’t getting enough oxygen. but the test was done a second time and came back normal, so no one has been concerned.

Now I am. more than ever. When I saw Dr. Lo he told me i can’t exercise anymore. Because whatever is going on in my intestines and abdominal cavity is causing the muscles of my abdomen to spasm causing  more unnecessary pain. I feel like that may have been a blessing in disguise.

Any time my heart rate goes up I get very lightheaded, even losing my vision at times. I wonder if thats because of my blood pressure. I guess its good that Im not allowed to exercise.

I still have a few medical bills to pay off, a little less than $1,000. Its not as bad as I originally thought.

My 24th birthday is this Thursday. I wish I was more excited. All this packing and moving boxes down stairs is really getting to me now. its all getting so real. the moving truck comes on the 31st and we leave on the 1st.