It doesn’t surprise me that its come to this for me to be writing again. I am missing my friends. crying.
Why is it so hard for us to do what God has called us to do? For me, its the unknowing. I have terrible social anxiety and have really tried overcoming it with this move to a new state. Yet here I am, sitting in my room on another Thursday night, while my church young adult group starts in less than an hour. Do I have time to get dressed and go? probably. Am I going to do that? probably not.
I dont liked being touched unless I ask for it, so thirty minutes ago when I said to myself, “I need a hug.” and let my mom walk by without actually asking for one, God must have told her I needed one because she walked right back to me, hugged me, and said “I love you, you know?” I choked back tears and said, “yeah, I love you too.” We had a brief conversation before I started tearing up. She said, ” Why does that make you cry?” She was referring to my comment of having no desire to make friends. I know thats something I need to do. I prayed and prayed and prayed, everyday before we moved for God to have a group of people ready for me. But Im to scared. to even try. and that makes me so sad.
I hate being singled out as that new person, that one girl standing there by herself. Looking lost and confused. Inside, totally falling apart and having an overwhelming feeling of “flight” but not really having a way out. So it turns in to a feeling of “fight.” But thats not the right thing either. So I end up shutting down. Answering small talk questions with one word, or a nod. And then I become “that rude girl from California who thinks she’s too cool for us.” And then becoming, “that girl who can’t keep it together, crying her face off during worship.” I don’t like drawing any type of attention to myself. I’d rather sneak by, behind the other new person, walk in late so I can sit in the back row, just incase I decide to leave early, then no one will notice.
those are my fears.
Praying for an open heart and an open mind just doesn’t cut it sometimes. I have a part, God has a part and the people I talk to have a part.
I visited California for the first time since moving a couple weeks ago. Mostly for my cousins wedding, but I also helped move my Grandma out of her apartment, got my hair done by a good friend, got to visit my best friends, and see a few faces I missed dearly at church on Sunday. (If you’re reading this and I did not see you, I am SO sorry)
I didn’t realized when I left, how good my friends are. I sobbed when I saw my friends Margaret and Tony. And I sobbed again when I saw Morgan. And again when I saw Savannah. I said to her, “I didn’t realize how much I missed you.” and Im sobbing now remembering how I felt in those moments. Will you guy please come visit me already?
It is incredibly dumb how I choose to say no to God every week, making up excuse after excuse about not going to church on a Thursday night at 7. But what is absolutely amazing, is how relentless He is. Every week He softly asks, “are you ready?” “no Lord, not this week, I have a cold” “no Lord, not this week, Im too tired.” no Lord, not this week..” I have run out of excuses. and I need to start saying “yes Lord.” to everything he asks me to to. He’s reminding me that I moved to a whole new world and what could be scarier than that? Whats meeting with people your own age who love Jesus just as much as you? BUT LORD. IM SCARED. “girl quit your crying, wipe your tears, put on your big girl pants, kill that spider and lets go” BUT LORD. “no more buts, lets go” BUT…. did you say lets?
He’s always with me and will go where I go. “Where you go, I’ll go. Where you stay I’ll stay. When you move, I’ll move, I will follow you.” truer words could not be said right now and I am starting to remember that He will be with me even in the scary stuff.
Whatever your fears are, don’t let your them overpower you, or dictate what you do or don’t do. Tell God your fears and pray about giving them to Him completely. Im still working on that too, so if you need prayer or just someone to talk to or at, please know, I am always here. If I can’t answer your questions I know someone who can, and hopefully I can be someone to always point you towards The One who always has the answers.
have some more photos from my trip