sometimes I just need a hug.

Today was exciting and scary.

a few days ago i got my new glasses and was super excited about it. i had some frustration with the first pair i picked out so i exchanged them and got these super sweet green frames. normally i have a few days of weirdness with my eyes as they adjust to a new prescription but i have now had a weird pressure behind my eyes for the last 4 days along with a terrible headache. i have an appointment with my chiropractor tomorrow morning and hopefully that will relieve some of this pain.

I woke up today feeling kinda sick, but mostly just with a throbbing headache that made me go back to sleep for three more hours. when i finally got out of bed at 9 i thought maybe i could crack my own neck by stretching and breathing but after twenty minutes of it, i gave up. i showered and got dressed for my very first appointment at UCLA. I ate some gluten free pancakes with blueberries, strawberries, maple syrup, and whipped cream. It didn’t sit well. In fact, shortly after eating I found myself running to the bathroom to poop. I was having some serious abdominal pain but I refused to acknowledge it. It finally got bad enough that I said something out loud to my mom and she said “thats probably a good thing” meaning that the doctor would be able to see how much pain I was in and figure out something to do to help me. I was not feeling up to driving there so she drove my car. We got there and checked in, I filled out my new patient paperwork (the shortest stack of papers I’ve ever had to fill out as a new patient) and waited for the nurse to call me in.

I was weighed, asked  a few questions about why I was there, had my blood pressure taken, and temperature taken. I still weigh 127, which is 13 pounds lighter than I did when I was in the hospital the first time. Its a good weight for me, as long as I’m healthy. My blood pressure was on the low side again at, 98/64. Not the lowest its been but still concerning. I waited for the doctor. and his assistant came in to ask about my medical history and all the good stuff. she talked with me for a good while and did a short physical exam, I cringed when she got to my right upper abdomen and waited for the hurt. It came and went. She pushed again, and it came and went. I did a half sit up, she pushed and it didn’t hurt. Thats what should happen if you didn’t know. She left, and we waited for the doctor to come in with her. They eventually came, and talked to me a little bit more about what I can and can’t eat, what makes the pain worse and what makes it better. Jello. I said Jello. thats the only thing that doesn’t make it hurt, and is also the only thing that satisfies my hunger when it comes. He asked  me a few questions some of which I had been asked many times before and a few that I had never been asked. Then he dropped a bomb. Angioedema. Its basically random swelling in the face or limbs. which I have had a few times since this all started. Sometimes comes without reason. There were a few other things he mentioned; redoing the capsule study, and doing a deep enteroscopy. But he would only consider doing the latter if the blood tests he ordered come back with any sign of abnormalities. He said with what I have and haven’t been able to eat, I would be malnourished but I didn’t look like it to him. He wasnt convinced so that is one of the tests he ordered. He also asked about a stool test and didn’t seem as surprised as I thought he would be when I said I hadn’t had one. So he ordered that too. My mom had to leave just before the appointment was over so she could catch her flight with matt. (thats a whole different story, a much more exciting story which I will tell at a later date) So I was left to be a big girl and figure out the rest on my own. I waited in the room after they left, and was getting anxious that I heard them wrong so I got up and went to the front desk to ask for a bathroom, the woman directed me back down the hallway I had just come from. When I was coming from the bathroom, back down the hallway, I was a little surprised to see that there was another patient in the room I had been in. So I played it cool and walked back to the front desk and asked “Do I need to check out or am I good to go..?” The same lady that told me where the bathroom was informed me that I needed to wait another 15 minutes in the lobby so the doctors assistant could enter all the tests to be done. I waited about 20 and was told to go up one floor to the lab in suite 307 to have my blood drawn and then down to the first floor and out to the next building to suite 145 to get my poop test kit. I made it up to the third floor to get my blood drawn and was kindly told by the technician that there were no labs in the system for me and maybe the doctor forgot submit it. So back upstairs I went, and talked to the bathroom direction lady, to which she said all the tests were in there and she didn’t understand why the nurse couldn’t see them on her end. She called that lab lady and tried to get her to open the right tab and I swear this was taking forever and I was ready to give up and go home. But I kept calm and had a conversation with the guy at the front desk about how this had happened before when I was scheduled for a colonoscopy and showed up for it and no one could find me in the system, and I said. “y’all better figure out what went wrong here because I didn’t do all that prep for nothing” They eventually found it and I had it done. Same goes for the blood work today, the lab lady explained to me when I went back upstairs that there was another patient with the same name and birthdate as myself but with a different account number. whatever lady just take my blood. I eventually made my way to the second building to get my poop kit and was on my way home (after some serious confusion on how to pay for parking). I made it to class a little late, but it was worth it. I was prayed over and went to my car to drive home. I was trying my hardest to not cry. I started to feel overwhelmed with fear of a new diagnosis and what that might mean for my future. I got home and texted my mom that my pain hadn’t gotten any better, and was actually felling worse. She was still on airplane mode. I broke down crying. I composed myself and went upstairs to get some pain meds. I just want to sleep this away. I took the meds and threw up a few minutes later. the pill. the carrots. the peppers. the crackers. the hummus. ugh. I broke down crying again, Lord I know everything will be ok but I’m so scared at this moment and I just need a hug. I fell to my knees and wept. I had worship music on which didn’t seem to help. my sister texted me asking how the appointment went and I asked if I could call. She was at dinner and would call when she was done. I told her I didn’t know how long I would be awake, but that I was falling apart at that moment. She called me and calmed me dow, we cried a little together and just talked like sisters do.

Sometimes I get so frustrated and overwhelmed I just want to pound my head against a wall. or the toilet seat, if I’m throwing up. that has happened before. I have done both.

I still need a hug.

goodnight.

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how bad do you want it?

‘I haven’t written in a few months because i haven’t really had anything on my mind to share. But recently I have been going through some stuff. It’s not easy for me to write when things are good because I’m not spiraling out of control. But when things get kinda bad and then really bad my mind starts drifting away from hearing God’s voice and I start hearing the enemies’ voice become louder and louder. Im no stranger to depression or anxiety but after battling it for years and knowing the victory I can have over it, it’s hard to ignore it when it comes. And what’s stupid is that I know how to keep it away, for the most part, and I actively choose to do the opposite. I know that being in God’s word and being in tune to hearing His voice will keep the voices in my head quiet, yet I choose to watch chopped for three hours, and then wonder why the next day I wake up frustrated. Duh marisa. If I could just be so desperate to want it more.

I have still been struggling with my physical health. the church I go to has been going through a lot of changes, ehh, I won’t talk about that, never mind. But they did host a generations conference where the community’s kids, teens, and young adults got together for a a couple sessions of hearing God’s word and no doubt it was powerful.

I interrupt this blog post to tell you the oilers just lost to to the ducks in game 7, I’m not actually crying but my heart is.

Last week was my first full week back at work, lets just say it didn’t go as well as we all hoped. I made it through Monday and Tuesday and half of Wednesday, keep in mind that I have only been working 6 hour days. I came down with a cold Tuesday and it was ten times worse by Wednesday morning so I left work early to rest, I tried sleeping it off but the pain from the pressure in my head was so bad I broke down and took some Sudafed PE, my mother warned me that maybe it would make my stomach pain worse so thats why I didn’t take it while at work. Thank you Jesus. After about an hour of taking it I noticed my headache was gone but I was feeling more and more stomach sick and the pain was getting worse. I drank some vegetable broth and it came right back up. I thought oh no here we go again. I had been doing great on a liquid diet so I knew throwing up this time was a red flag, I just didn’t want to believe it. I started slowly writhing on the floor of my bedroom before my mom came to ask me something when she realized I was crying. I cried out to her between my sobs “mom I feel like I did when I was sick the first time..” she said “before you had your gallbladder removed?” I nodded yes. It was seriously happening all over again. I called my primary doctor when I got home from work so I could be seen for the pressure in my head, my mom drove me to that appointment at 6pm and eventually drove me to the ER. My doctor knew there was nothing he could do for me and the only thing that would stop me from screaming my lungs out and wanting to crawl out of my skin was some kind of relief only the ER doctors could give me. I was (and still am) so frustrated and sick of being sick and stabbed with needles and being asked if I’m pregnant and everything regarding my health. so incredibly sick of it all. I was only in the ER for a few hours so they could let the morphine do its thing and monitor that it wouldn’t get worse like before. and when the CT scan came back clear they said what every other doctor has told before “I’m sorry everything looks clear, there’s nothing there, I can’t do anything else for you.”

Im doing better today. the days following i knew everyone at work had counted me out, probably placed bets that I would call out sick. But I proved them all wrong and pushed through it. I continued to throw up everything I ate for the next 6 days and each time was brought to tears because just once I would like to enjoy a meal and not  have to taste it a second time. Monday night at my bible study class I had someone pray over me, and I became aware of my faith and trust in the Lord. She said something me that I had to correct her right away, “when you eat something, thank the Lord that you will keep it down, have faith that it won’t come back up” and I was like woah slow down, Im the complete opposite, when I eat anything Im thinking and praying “Lord I’m trusting you and I have faith that this time I will keep it down.” And twenty minutes later I’m puking it back up and screaming WHY?  and then she said “but have faith that He’s doing something even through the vomiting.” and my eyes were opened. THAT is true faith, trusting God in the bad, and yes, even the puking. God, I have no idea why this is happening but I’m choosing to have faith and trust that you’re doing something good.

Today, I said screw it with the healthy food and went for the vegan deep fried fish tacos with salsa. and guess what. I DIDNT THROW IT UP.  can I get and AMEN. praise God. seriously. how in the world did that stay down. I’ll tell you how, it was NOT OF THIS WOLRD. thats how. sure I may have had some abdominal pain with it, but I did not get one bit of “sick.”

I’d just like to take a moment now to apologize to some people,

to my friends, for being so distant, please understand that this is the longest and most difficult trial Ive been through and Its taken a lot out of me. mentally and physically. Im trying to adjust to what I can and can’t do.

and, to a few people I know but don’t know if you would call me your friend or just someone you know, Im sorry for being distant and closed off and not really willing to let you in. Im afraid of making new friends because, frankly Im a terrible friend. I’m trying to get better but I guess not trying hard enough.

And to this one person who I see very rarely but when I do I feel like praising God even more just for the simple fact that our paths crossed one more time. You have the best hugs, and a passion for jesus that is so beautiful. I pray that one day I am bold enough to ask you out for lunch, but I guess I don’t want it that bad because I haven’t done it yet.

I am currently sobbing of this song right now, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ah0uydqMYhE

Its time for bed, my dogs are growling at me because they want to sleep.

thanks for reading, bonne nuit

december-april review (in photos)

ça va bien…

person: Hello!!! How are you feeling?!?

me: Hello, In what regards?

person: Overall…Your health…how are you feeling about your mom moving..

I had the above exchange a few days ago.  It always intrigues me when people ask how I’m doing out of nowhere. I never answered the person because, (well in all honesty I suck at texting people back) but I was caught off guard. I don’t really like having those types of conversations with people who are just asking to ask and don’t really care. especially over text. it just doesn’t seem genuine to me. I have observed the most interesting thing the last few months, where someone will be greeting a group of people and ask “hows it going?” or  “how are you?” to every single person in the group. And I have seen over and over again with different people asking, that completely ignore the answer. It blows me away at how many people do that. And more over, it bothers me. I hate when people are not genuine when asking how you are. If you really cared you would wait more than 10 seconds to ask the next person the same thing and wouldn’t miss the answer. And in my opinion you would keep up with whats going on. And I’m not truing to be rude to the person that texted me, if they’re reading this. I just want this to be something to open peoples minds to asking the question “How are you?”

It’s a really loaded question. Especially when you’re not ok, or haven’t been ok. Just be sensitive to people and read the persons body language. and if you don’t think you’re good at reading body language I highly recommend reading the book called, Blink: the power of thinking. Just think to yourself before asking, “do I have the time to listen if this person needs it”

So, on that note. I’ll answer the question above as if I was texting the person back.

Overall.. like today or on average? my health..uhh mostly frustrated.  about my mom moving..it changes daily.

I feel like that all might sound sarcastic but in my opinion (again) Im tired of people not being real. So I’m trying to be as real as possible. Some days I wake up feeling like crap but I have to make a decision on how I’m going to feel mentally. When my chiropractor asked me how I was the other day I blew it off and said “ehh I’m ok” he paused and said “no, really how are you?” WOW. thank you jesus for that because I was having a great day and I wanted to tell someone about it. I told him “well every day is a struggle with the pain and everything but I have to chose joy.” Some days I wake up feeling like crap and chose joy, other days I wake up feeling like crap and I chose to let frustration take over my thoughts. Some days I wake up feeling great, though rare, I either chose to feel good, or I get confused and depressed as to why I feel ok, I assume that sounds crazy to you but I’ve somewhat gotten used to the pain and exhaustion so when I feel good I get kind of scared.

What ever is going on in my body is still a mystery to every doctor I’ve been to. I have been trying to eat food and deal with the pain, I am currently eating a cake donut covered in chocolate frosting and rainbow sprinkles, and by eating I mean I took a bite and and am waiting for the pain. I usually eat one solid meal a day so I get some kind of nutrients. and the other meals are usually some form of liquid, like a smoothie or pureed vegetables in soup.

I think I covered how I feel overall, it changes everyday depending on a lot of things. And about my mom moving, it changes constantly throughout each day. Right now I feel excited. Wait let me back up a little bit. Last week I was a total mess about them moving because I felt like I was being abandoned, left behind and not thought about. I was right about the last of those things. My mom hadn’t thought about what would happen to me. We had a short talk about how I was feeling and about some different options. So now I am a little excited because it is looking more like I am moving too. But probably not with them. They are moving to Idaho and Im not sure how I feel about that place so Ive been looking into the the surrounding areas, Like Spokane or Canada or somewhere in Washington, I don’t know yet.

With all my down time I have been doing a ton of thinking about what Im supposed to be doing with my life and it seems more and more like I need to be in the communication field. I love helping people with their mental illnesses because of all that I’ve been through. My latest dream is to start a group of young adult girls like myself called “Je Suis”  in french it means “I am” I want to help other girls feel strong mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and to love themselves and be able to not just overcome their trials but to come out of them stronger. I want them to feel powerful, like they can do anything. so the Je suis starts the sentence  but each time we would do something together it would finish the sentence.

a plus tard

trust

I’ve been having trouble mentally and physically lately. I have in a sense turned my back to God.

My mom and her husband were in Idaho two weeks ago when I had to put Whiskey to sleep, they were looking at properties and checking out churches. My mom told me it would be months before they moved.

a few days ago they told me they were going back this Thursday through Saturday to look at a house and probably buy it.

that was quick.

the only thing I thought, and have been rethinking is: what is going to happen to me?

everyone at church is fooled, they think we are a happy family. when that is the farthest thing from the truth. everyone keeps asking me, are you going with them?, you must be excited, right?

wtf. seriously people. I just need reality to slap you in the face so you can see what really goes on at our house.

I had been saving my money to move out and then I got hit with this medical situation and there went everything I saved. On top of it I have no income because I haven’t been able to work.

where am I supposed to live?  how am I supposed to be ok with this? why do I feel like Im being left behind?

I asked my mom yesterday what she thought my options were, she really had nothing I wanted to hear. I don’t want to stay in California.

Im supposed to trust God through all of these situations but frankly, I don’t know how.

He’s trying to tell me everything will be ok, don’t worry, I have it all planned out. but In the back of my head I can’t help but hear the enemy telling me my life is falling apart and the only choice I have is to live in my car.

Im feeling overwhelmed. I can’t stop crying. I have no idea what to do with my life. I just want to bang my head against a wall until I can’t think anymore. at this point i kinda just want to not exist.

and that is depression ladies and gentlemen.

when I was depressed in the past and came out of it I didn’t some research on things I could do to keep myself from going that place again. I found the same thing over and over, eat healthy unprocessed food, get exercise daily, and have a regular sleep schedule. It seemed to help for a while but it was missing something. and that is Jesus.

when they bring up anything about moving, or getting the house ready to sell my heart just sinks. I want to scream and punch things and sleep forever so I don’t have to hear it.

they don’t see it from my perspective. just shut up about that stuff when I’m around, yeah? ok great.

detachment

numb

adjective: deprived of the power of sensation, verb: deprive of feeling or responsiveness

With everything that has happened over the last 5 days I keep trying to figure out how I’m feeling. Just to be prepared for the dreaded question. And it’s not really the question, it’s how it’s asked. There are certain people that ask with such sad faces and tilted heads and soft voices and it drives me up the wall. Like, lets be real. You don’t really care that much. I appreciate that you care how I’m doing but really lets stop with the sad faces. how is your dejected face supposed to make me feel any better? All I’m asking is for you to be real with me.

Last Thursday I had a bit of a mental breakdown because Whiskey (mine and my sisters cat) stopped eating the day before and I was afraid there was nothing we could do for her this time. I was right. she continued to decline throughout the day and night. I was actually surprised that she made it through the night. an even into the afternoon on Friday. I went to check on her about 3pm and she was laying in the orchard under the orange tree. she picked up her head and looked towards me when I called her name, but when I asked her to come to me she just let out this awfully troubled cry. my heart shattered. I burst into tears and called my mom.

“mom”

“yes honey?…”

“she’s still alive..but she’s suffering, I can’t watch her like this anymore”

we hung up and she called the county shelter and then called me back.

“take her to the shelter, they’ll do it for at most 30 dollars, but you have to be there before 4.”

It was 3:30

Margaret and I jumped in the car and drove there as fast as I could, after panicking that they wouldn’t take her because we didn’t get the paperwork until after 4, we handed her off to the vet tech and he asked us to wait a few minutes while they did a quick thorough exam. We waited on this bench in the shade that sat against the veterinary building for what seemed like forever. A different vet tech came out and explained to us all of Whiskeys symptoms, all of which I was well aware of, and reassured me that putting her down was the fairest thing we would do for her.

I pet her on the head as she slowly drifted into sleep and sobbed once she was gone.

I was in shock when we got home and just went into some mode where I got rid of everything that was hers before I had any feeling come back.

I was mentally numb.

I laid on the couch pretty much all day Saturday, feeling ill, and mentally exhausted. I was in and out of sleep until about 4pm when I finally got up to eat something. I let the dogs inside and hungout with them until it was bed time. I gave them each a cookie and a toy, and the three of us headed up stairs to bed.

Sunday I had to be at church pretty much all day, I think I held it together  pretty well. No one asked how I was, or if they did I don’t remember. I just blocked out all sensation of feeling anything, and in turn blocked out a lot of interactions with people.

I got home and had a text from my sister, asking how long I would be at church, I ignored it and waited for the second one. she asked, or maybe i should ask what are you doing after church?

I texted her back (a rare occasion) “I’m home, but I just want to be alone”

the numbness was waring off, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I went up to my bed and smothered my face in the plethora of pillows so the neighbors couldn’t hear me scream. I cried and cried and cried until I remembered that my mom and matt would be home the next morning. I showered and clean up a little bit. I watched tv and brought the dogs in again. Mercy slept on my bed as usual, and Grace on her bed. Monday morning I got up at 4am. I really didn’t sleep. at all. I let the dogs out and fed them. fed the cat. wait. no. she’s gone. I burst into tears and walked inside. I had to take that pill of numbness to get up and clean the house. Thank you Jesus that it lasted until today. I cleaned the entire house and took the real pill that makes me sick everyday. I laid on the couch trying not to puke until they got home at 12pm.

This morning I was doing ok. until my mom came up to tell me, “I have a sad story to tell you..”

in my head I was already preparing myself to be numb to whoever died.

“you know matty hickman?” “yes..” “he was in a car accident..”

my mouth fell open and I turned away as she finished the sentence “…he died”

I burt into tears yet again. I can’t believe it.

It still hurts. my heart is constantly breaking.

is that what the chest pain is from?

I don’t know if I’m being strong or numb.

I feel like I can’t be strong anymore.

Being numb is probably the easiest thing I can do.

 

If you are still reading these things, thank you.

a little update on myself: I had another endoscopy last Tuesday and I am still waiting for answers on the biopsies. I have a followup on Friday, hopefully we will get something then. The antibiotics I was put on three weeks ago are almost gone, thank God. They have made my abdominal pain worse, gave me diarrhea, made the nausea come back, and made me lethargic. Today wasn’t too bad. just the chest pain was what really bothered me. My knee is still super unstable so Im finally going to request for the  MRI again. If I could just play hockey again I think I wouldn’t be as depressed. but I can’t yet. So I’m trying to be positive but everything around me seems to be falling apart. I just need a copious amount of prayer. And Jesus. I need a lot of Jesus.

 

Bananas

Usually I have some kind of rhyme or reason or theme to these posts but today I’ve have felt “bleh” and not really inspired to write. I usually spend a few days thinking about what will go into it and have my mind set by a certain time. But not today.

Today was very different. As was this whole last week. In short, it went something like this: Monday I had to prep for my test on Tuesday which meant eating hard boiled eggs, white rice, and grilled fish. I had a chiropractor appointment. and went to bed at 8pm. I ‘woke up’ at 430am to get ready to leave by 530 to be on time for my appointment at 8. I drank a cup of some clearish liquid and then spent the next two hours sitting in an nutritionists office, breathing into a special test bag  (i have no idea what its called) every 15 minutes. I got sick. what a surprise. had to run to the bathroom a couple times during the test. as if you really wanted to know that. sorry. I saw the doctor right after my test and he said “all it showed was a flat line” thats great dude now tell me what it means. It didn’t mean anything. It was another inconclusive test. WHAT A SURPRISE. He prescribed me two antibiotics that I will be on for 3 weeks. If it helps I won’t know for a week. (which will be Thursday) but in the mean time he still wants to do the endoscopy, thats scheduled for Tuesday morning at 7. We (mom sister and I) went to Native Foods and I chowed down on some delicious vegan cuisine. knowing full well that I would probably become violently ill because of it. In my defense, I only ate half the sandwich. and the fries. and some nachos. I hope you’re laughing. We got back to Camarillo about 130 and with just enough time to get my stuff together and head out to pick up Arlene and drive to Bakersfield for Tip-a-Condor. We got to my dads house about 4 and played with the dogs for a few minutes until my dad got there. We chatted for a little bit before heading out. I was excited and getting giddy. as i assume any 23 year old girl would when she’s about to be around other 23 year olds (and younger and older) hockey players. but maybe thats just me. *insert blushing face emoji* We had a great time, I haven’t laughed that much in months. I made a fool of myself a few times. but I think it paid off. at least I was myself. Arlene and I left for home about 9pm after going on a short adventure around Bakersfield. Wednesday I was still very giddy and full of joy. I went to some doctors appointments for my grandma and went to lunch with her and my mom and step-grandpa. When we got home my moms husband had found her a new car that he wanted to go check out, I wanted to go but they wouldn’t be back before I had to leave for church. Good thing, because I got sick from lunch. I slept on the couch for a few hours ( I think) while my sister came to hang out with me. sorry dude, it seems like every time she comes to hangout with me I’m prepping for a new test or am sick and having a hard time staying awake. I woke up just in time to get changed and make myself look somewhat presentable and headed off to church.  Wednesday nights are one of my favorite nights because I get to spend time with other young adults that love Jesus and it just fills me up. Worship that night was incredible, you could feel the presence of the Lord in the room, it was overwhelming. After a great word on compromise in relationships a group of us headed out to the one and only IN-N-OUT. I don’t know how but somehow we always end up eating out and its usually between in-n-out, bjs, yard house, kabuki, and rarely, toppers. Its always a good time, always worth it. Thursday was another chiropractor appointment and I finally talked my mother into going with me. considering she was in that bike accident in November and then the car accident  a few weeks ago, her body was “all jacked up” as she put it. We spent 3 hours there. totally worth it. She and Matt had bible study classes that night so I just did boring things like, have a solo dance party to Hillsong young and free and watch three episodes of This Is Us, and then paint my nails. Friday I had all planned out (that never works I don’t know why I try to plan things) I took my car for an oil change and got sick while waiting. Then I was told that the rattling I’ve been hearing is not a good thing (I knew that) and I needed to get it fixed right away. 200 dollars and 4 hours later I was finally on my way to Bakersfield for hockey. I was afraid that I would get sick on the two hour drive there but thank you Jesus I didn’t. I met my dad and sister at the game and had a great time with a comeback win against ontario. greattttttttt game. for real. good job condors. and with the roadrunners losing that night we were one point out of a playoff spot. Saturday I got sick again right after taking my antibiotics, at least thats what I’m blaming it on. And spent the morning running a few errands around town before heading home to rest before the game. We watched the kings beat the crap out of the ducks. with jon quick back. wow. got ready and left for the game, we parked behind this restaurant where we always park and as we walked around towards the front dad got called by Danny (a guy that sits next to us) to go have a drink. I took my ticket and headed into the game by myself. I watched warm ups and went to my seat. (that is a very boring sentence) blah blah blah basically. We played Stockton and beat them too. putting the condors in a playoff spot (for now.) a great effort by both teams but obviously we were the better team. We stayed to have a player sign a shirt for my sister. and that was it. I left at 730 this morning to make it to church at 10. I didn’t get too sick this morning which was nice. I went to lunch with Margaret and Morgan, and after a long chat we decided that we were all tired and needed a nap. I got home and grabbed my mail and went upstairs to find my mother in her sewing room, this is going nowhere. this is a very boring post. sorry. my mind is in a different place, it has been completely different since Tuesday night.

Here is some interesting stuff.

I hate bananas. every once in a while I’ll walk by the fruit basket, which for some odd reason only ever has bananas in it, and ill try to convince myself that bananas are a good thing and that I like them. so I’ll proceed to open one and take a bite. only to remember that I actually hate bananas. BUT. this week. well the last three days I’ve had 4. FOUR. I just told my mom “I knew I was sick, but didnt think I was that sick.” I’d like to think there is some medical reason behind this, like I’m lacking in potassium or magnesium. I probably am, so lets go with that.

this year was the first time I’ve been able to attend tip-a-condor. its a great event the organization does every year to benefit a charity. the players become waiters for the night and bring you food and drinks and you tip them. this was the first year I was able to go because they’ve never had a vegetarian option, and with having to pre pay for your meal  I could never go. plus I’ve always felt weird about not eating  when everyone around me is eating. So I was excited for two reasons, I could eat (kinda) and I finally wasn’t in the hospital for something fun. There is something so intimidating about being around guys that you are older than or the same age as that pretty much have their lives figured out. But in reality they are human. WHAT! NO WAY. they aren’t. I promise. When God made them he put a little dash of something else in their genes. good guys for the most part I guess. I’m rambling. SO anyway, I talked to one of them for a little bit about Ventura and such and he told me about his friend that opened a coffee house with a european flair and how he was just there a couple days ago. I didn’t know what place he was talking about at first until I looked it up the next day and had that “OH that place!” moment. Ive seen it a million times and never been. I guess thats because Spencer Mackenzie’s is down the street and after a morning of paddle boarding I always thought fried fish and beer sounded better than coffee and a sandwich. the american in me is showing. thanks for the recommendation David, I plan to go this week.

Ive had incredible ups and downs this week and its amazing how low my lows have been and yet I can still get myself out of them.

Wednesday night I almost cried myself to sleep because of the pain. stupid fries. stupid sandwiches from days before. I haven’t slept a whole night through since… I don’t even remember when. Tuesday I didn’t really sleep at all because my knee was killing me. I guess I should go get that MRI this week so I can finally schedule surgery. Thursday I was in an incredible amount of pain because the chiropractor tried to adjust my hiatal hernia. that was a bad idea. my whole upper abdomen is so sensitive to any touch.

A good amount of my lows have been due to the medical bills that are coming non stop in the mail. and so far I’ve added the ones I have and its about 6,000 dollars. thats not counting the ones I got today for 50, 900, and 700. But I have to trust that God will help me through this because I have no idea what else to do.

As I sit here writing I’m thinking about all the people that I don’t see on a weekly basis and that have asked for updates and I have failed them. Sorry Coach. Sorry Krystle. Sorry Suzi. Sorry Cathy. sorry to anyone else I’m forgetting.

one thing thats been hard for me is maintaining my weight. that was never a problem for me before. but since I have so much trouble eating, I in turn have trouble putting on weight. the weight doesn’t really bother me. its the shivering at night or the baggy clothes or the night sweats because i wore sweat pants and a sweater and now I’m too hot so i put on a t shirt and shorts but now I’m too cold. and my joints. my poor old lady joints. my hands are always freezing. so are my feet.

last night after the game my dad and I had a small snack in the kitchen with the dogs until Q (our 4 year old pitt bull) freaked out about a dog barking down the street. We always try to encourage her to ‘whisper’ but not completely freak out trying to find the barking dog. so last night we had her sit in the middle of the kitchen and talked to her. My dad got her to calm down to the point that he would ask her what she was barking at and without getting up she would just look up at him and ‘talk’ back. they had about a 5 minute conversation that was like nothing I’ve ver heard from Q.  It amazes me how smart she and Olive (our havenese mix) are. we have taught Olive how to answer the question “what sound does a motorcycle make?” and taught them countless other tricks just because they’re that smart. I usually post videos of them on snapchat so you can follow me there for daily adventure updates. (pedrozamarisa)

these posts seem so sad and depressing, but really I’m doing better, a little. Im finding joy in little things and holding on to them for dear life.

silver linings

Silver lining is defined as: “the comfort you feel when consoled in times of disappointment”  or, a sign of hope in an unfortunate or gloomy situation; a bright prospect:  

and I seem to keep finding them in the midst of all this. there is always hope.

a big thank you to my sister, for helping me remember there is always hope. and being there to encourage me when I feel like I shouldn’t continue.

I was going to start today off with something that was revealed to me a few days ago. But the writing prompt seemed more appropriate. If you’ve read any of my last posts (you haven’t, believe me I know) you would know that the last 3 and a half months have been a blur.

It didn’t seem like it when it was all happening but if I look back (I try not to) it is very glazed over, foggy, and even like someone took their finger and smudged their finger print over it. I know the dates of my ER visits and other important details. But when it comes to knowing what day it was when my friends visited me, or what time it was when I woke up to nurses surrounding me, I have trouble remembering. I want to remember but I struggle to clear the visions of memories intermingled in my brain. Its even worse when there is any noise around me. I get anxious because I cannot seem to hear as well and fear I might miss something someone said. I can’t say if that has anything to do with what I’m battling internally but part of me thinks it might be. Im trying so hard every day to be positive and focus on the good things the Lord has done. But its unbelievably hard.

Some days I wake up and my mind is already foggy. I pray and pray and pray it goes away before the urge to pee gets me out of bed. Sometimes it does, but the days it doesn’t I struggle the entire day with it. Feeling defeated because I tried to sleep it off and failed.

Last week I seemed to be getting better, Monday I went back to the chiropractor for the first time since before my first hospital stay. The receptionist, Cara, expressed her concern and asked all the details, I didn’t mind because she seemed to actually care (in contrast to most people I’ve seen lately that are just asking to ask.) I then had to explain everything to the actual chiropractor. It was a tough visit. I was not as sore as I thought I would be but that is probably due to the fact that I had a relaxing massage after being adjusted. But when I was at the counter paying my co-pay, the doctor told me “I want to see you in two days.” Ugh. I knew I was bad but I really didn’t think about how bad it was. (my thoughts never went past, ‘this is going to be bad’) I went back on a liquid diet Tuesday (i should have never gone off of it) and managed to be on it for a whopping 48 hours. It made a world of difference, my pain was at its lowest. (as I type this my pain is back up to what it was the last time I was in the hospital, but at this point there is nothing I can do, nor can anyone do for me.)

Wednesday morning I tried to exercise, that was a mistake. I thought whats the worst that could happen, I would be exhausted the rest of the day. no big deal right. I lasted ten minutes of yoga. YOGA. relaxing, stretching yoga. my heart almost stopped. thats the worst that could happen. my heart could stop. (I joked to myself, good thing I know CPR) I sat myself down when my vision started to fade. these white lights kept flashing and furthermore luring my already foggy vision. my heart was quite literally beating out of my chest. close to 200bpm. and my blood pressure had dropped significantly. I let my body fall completely to the ground catching my head on the yoga mat and just lied there facing the ceiling. trying my hardest to see the eyeball lamp shade that hangs in the center. My heart was beating the fastest I had ever felt, I felt it in my abdomen, in my throat, and of course the most in my left chest. I was scared that I might actually lose consciousness,  If it hadn’t been for the sharp pain I felt while standing I probably would have. It took about 20 minutes to come back down and my vision came back. I got up drank some water and went down stairs to check my blood pressure and heart rate. (it was 90/65. and 102 not too bad.) I was supposed to take my mother to the church but that was out of the question because of my inability to walk a straight line. Her husband ended up taking her and I said I would pick her up. I was getting my clothes together when she called me and requested that I bring her Cricut machine for a project a few of my friends were doing. I showered and was on my way. It was Wednesday which meant my second chiropractor appointment and I was excited that I was feeling better (beside the fact of my little activity in the morning.) The adjustment went well, it was like a routine checkup. Finally some good news. The doctor again said two days. ugh. fine. I’ll see you Friday. That night was Young Adults, it would end up to be the first time I made it through worship without crying. A few people even made note that I was looking better. (the power of makeup, a liquid diet, and chiropractic adjustments) I made a quick getaway when it was over because my oldest sister was home from visiting my other sister and I was the chosen one (by default) to pick her up from the airport.

Thursday was my followup at Ceder-Sinai for the capsule endoscopy. But before that I had to go to my place of employment. (on Tuesday one of my co-workers texted me sending well wishes and wednesday night another emailed me sending prayers) I had to pick up my W-2 and some other paperwork. I was thrilled to be there and even more emotional when I was welcomed with open arms by my fellow employees. (think heart eyed emoji times ten) I saw Katelyn first. She was in yard 1 with the little guys, holding a tiny pup that I recognized but couldn’t remember the name. She came up to the fence and said hi we chatted for a second before I asked the name of the dog. “Reinhart” she explained, “he’s afraid of everything, he’s so little he just hides.”

“did you say Reinhart?”

“yeah, you remember Lupo? the greyhound? its his little brother.”

“Reinhart?”

“yes. why? ”

“hmm, ok, Reinhart..Ive got a story about that name..”

“I’ll see you inside!”

I walked in the front doors and thank God there was no one in the lobby, I walked straight for Lydia that was behind the counter.

“Hiiiiiiiiiiii!” we both screamed.

I hugged her and then Hale came out of the managers office

“HALE!!” I hugged him, and walked behind him into the office “is there anyone else hiding in here? Where’s Krystle?”

“she’s in the office over there, or not the office but the room” He explained.

I walked as fast as I could through the recently delivered maze of boxes to the second overnight room and swung open the door “Krystle!!!!” we hugged and exchanged pleasantries before catching up on how I was and my possible return to work date. Katelyn came bursting through the door and bombarded me with a hug before i knew who it was.  I got my paperwork, said hi to Cheyenne and Max, and a quick hug to Alex as she came into the lobby for an eval. I said my  “I’ll see you laters” and was on my way to Beverly Hills. Surprisingly my mom wanted to drive, she was feeling better too. We got to the office about an hour early and went to find coffee and food before heading in to wait in the room so appropriately named “waiting room.” When we were walked back to the room, the nurse that helped me the week before caught my attention and said hi. that was nice, I thought to myself. We waited only a few minutes before seeing the doctor. “you’re smiling!” he explained as he walked in. “you look better, how are you feeling?” “Im doing alright, I guess.” He went on to say there was no real findings in my capsule study. surprise, surprise. He said the doctor who read it said there was evidence of lymphocytic enteritis. which made sense, it was found in my colon and my stomach. But he still isn’t convinced that is the cause of my pain. So I have yet another test on Tuesday morning at 8am. This one is to test for bacterial overgrowth in my gut. it takes an hour and a half. and if that is negative then I will have another endoscopy the following Tuesday. On the way home from the appointment I wondered what I was going to do that night to stay awake. I vocalized it to my mom and she suggested we go to bible study and Kathy and Joe’s. As we were getting on the freeway there was a pickup truck in front of us that had a bumper sticker on it that read ‘real men love jesus.’ i read it out loud and my mom said ‘Amen!’ we went on talking and I noticed the license plate ‘ephs 416’ and I said it out loud “Ephesians 4:16” We looked at each other puzzled wondering what verse it was. so I looked it up, “From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.” We really didn’t think much of it and we didn’t say any more than a “hmm.” But once we got to bible study a few hours later  we were reading Ephesians 4:17-24, and of course my mom and I thought how strange that we had just seen that license plate. We talked about it with the group after Joe read it out loud and no one else seemed to have any connection to it. I kept going back to it, like the Lord was trying to tell me something. and then it hit me. it was for me. duh. I waited it out while we studied and when it was over I blurted out “wait, I have something to share” and I explained how the Lord revealed to me that my body is trying to heal and how I had never seen all my symptoms in one place until the chiropractor handed me this sheet about the spine and how all the nerves connect to different organs and places on the body. I was blown away. with each adjustment my body was coming back into place and each nerve, and joint and muscle is connected and if its not your body doesn’t work right. it simply can’t.

Friday was my last chiropractor appointment of the week at 10:30am and I had a massage scheduled after. It was pouring all morning and thinking of my mom being in a car accident two weeks before I had a little anxiety about driving in the rain. Of course I was fine, but the roads were flooded in pretty much all of Port Hueneme. I spent the rest of the day i the kitchen cooking and baking with my mom. Until Matt said he got a notification that the creek a few miles away was over flowing and there was a flash flood warning. The three of us jumped in the truck and went hunting for flooded streets. we didn’t find any. but we found the creek flooded and pouring into the agriculture fields on each sides. We made it back home and finished baking cookies, making butternut squash soup, and lentil soup.

I got incredibly sick that night from the soup. I guess it wasn’t liquid enough. I brought Whiskey (the cat) inside because it was nonstop raining and I felt bad making her sleep outside. She woke me up a few times throughout the night crying and wanting to go outside. I let her out and she ended up making a quick u-turn and sat right back at the door waiting for me to let her back in. I was up for most of the night in pain anyway so it really wasn’t bothersome to have to keep getting up to play with the cat. Although, when it was 3:38am and I was sitting on the floor of my room entertaining my cat with a furry black ball attached to a string I questioned what I was doing with my life. Saturday I was in quite a bit of pain and really didn’t want to do anything. So I did the minimum and went back to sleep. When I woke up again I really didn’t feel any better, I was back in the blur. I managed to get half way out of the funk and clean up the piles of clothes I am donating,  not without help of course, thank you mom for recognizing that I was emotionally wasted and had minimal energy to do it alone.

today wasn’t terrible but I’m dealing with the after affects of the soup and just about everything I eat or drink irritates the pain just that much more.

bonne nuit amigos

 

 

via Daily Prompt: Blur

still looking for the light

You know when you’re driving on a rainy day and you can see ahead of you where the storm clouds end?

I went through that yesterday. I drove down Balcolm Canyon with clear skies and a small road block where the trailer of a truck had fallen over into the mountain side. I got to South Mountain Road and a few cars coming the opposite direction had their windshield wipers on and I thought to myself ‘but its not raining..’ Sure enough around the corner by Jimenez Farms it started sprinkling. I looked ahead and saw grey clouds but it just looked cloudy. As I drove into the dark cover it began to rain harder. and harder. and eventually was pouring so hard I slowed down to a crawl because I couldn’t see the road. There were cars coming the other direction also driving slow and I started to think to myself again ‘how is this happening..there were no clouds coming down the mountain.’ It rained and hailed and poured and sprinkled throughout my drive on highway 126. off and on and in no particular order. it had no rhyme or reason.

I feel like thats how life can be when we are going through a metaphorical storm. You know there will be and end, you can see it sometimes, but you don’t know how much more you have to go through.

When I was driving on the 126 I could see ahead of me way in the distance where the dark grey clouds ended and where the white clouds and blue sky began but what wasn’t clear was how much further it was.

And this is just the perfect picture of what has been going on. Obviously I’m going through a storm and last week seemed to be the eye of it. (i hope) Ive gone through the down pour parts a few times now and I’ve had good days and bad days where I can see the sun shining and i know it will end, but the next day comes and its raining again, everything seems dark, the pain is worse, i can’t breathe. darkness surrounds me and its hailing.

but just at the right time I hear that voice that says, keeping going, it will pass, you’ll come out stronger than you ever thought you would be. Thank you Jesus for these times. I do know it will pass but Lord how much longer? How many more symptoms? How many more dark days?

Not too many more. You’ve got this. Keep your focus on the here and now. Take it one day at a time. Do not let emotions take advantage of you. keep fighting.

Last week I was a huge mess. I sobbed through all of worship and had more pain that seemed to be getting worse by the minute and yet I still continued to pretend I was fine. By the time I got home I was terrified to find Whiskey dead. She wasn’t. The next morning the veterinarian called to see how she was, I told her about the miracle that God had done. She wasn’t convinced  and still wanted to do blood work. thats fine. Tuesday morning she called with the results, “I don’t know how..but your cat is fine, all her organs are working fine, I dont get it I was sure should would have passed Saturday night” yeah me too. But look at this! Whiskey is fine. she’s alive and eating again. acting like her normal grumpy self. I couldn’t believe it. neither could the British vet tech. when my sister and I took Whiskey to the vet on tuesday for her shot, he came out and said “her blood work shocked us all, we couldn’t believe it” THANK YOU JESUS!!

Tuesday was also the day I had to start my clear liquid diet. It was staring to rain again. I felt so sick and it hadn’t even been an hour yet. I still had 24 more to go.  I honestly don’t remember all the details of that day until about 8pm. Thats when I went to bed. Because I had to start the second step of prep for my small bowel capsule endoscopy at 5am and I wanted to sleep. I had no energy and I felt awful. I was rude to my sister and mom and I felt like I had no control over my feelings. I just needed to rest. I fell asleep in pain and woke up at 4:58am in pain. I gathered my stuff and went downstairs to start drinking a ridiculous amount of miralax. Its just a powder that dissolves in water. how hard could it be to drink water? ugh. I don’t ever want to drink water again. I started getting ready at about 6:30 and I was starting my second cup of miralax. I was so incredibly nauseated I was sure I was about to hurl. I burped and there it came. good thing I was in the bathroom and I have great aim when it comes to puking. I threw up the first half of the miralax. and all these thoughts went running through my head, are they going to be able to do the procedure? why am i throwing up water? is this seriously happening right now?

I composed myself and continued to get ready. It starting raining harder. My dad and his girlfriend were supposed to pick me up at 7am. my appointment was at 9am. My dad texted me about 6:50 that he was running a few minutes late. ok thats fine. it’ll give me time to poop and throw up some more water. i was ready and sitting at the bottom of the stairs with my purse. 7am. they weren’t here. 7:05. they weren’t here. 7:10. not here. I was already frustrated that I couldn’t eat anything, and that I felt so sick. I just wanted that day to be over before it really even started. I snapped and said to my mom, should i just drive myself?! she was surprised he was that late. he texted me at 7:28 “around the corner” I told my mom to sit back down and he was there about a minute later. great now I’m going to be late for my appointment.

There was nothing I could do. “Marisa just calm down” I told myself over and over trying not to be rude when my dad asked for the address of my doctor. “9033 wilshire boulevard” I was silent the entire 2 hour drive there. i just read my book and tried not to freak out. we got there at 9:17. I was pissed but I tried not to show it. I got hooked up to all the wires and had the monitor hanging on my left hip. I felt like I had a bomb strapped to me. it seemed like a simple enough task. wear a monitor and swallow a pill camera. I was so wrong. so so wrong. I had zero energy from not eating the day before and was tired and mad and everything else. It was pouring. this was the down pour of the week. I wasn’t allowed to eat anything until after 5:30 that night and was only allowed clear liquids 4 hours after I swallowed the pill. 1:30 couldn’t come fast enough. we ended up at the grove and farmers market so they could eat lunch. it was hard for me to watch people eat and not be able to even have one fry. It was 1:40 when I finally realized I could have the iced tea my dad bought and snuck into the movie theater. I took a sip and immediately felt sick. I wanted to puke.  I waited another ten minutes before trying to have more. and it just made me feel worse. so I didn’t have anything. for the rest of the day. the movie ended about 3:30 and I still had 2 hours to go. we went into a store and left. we got to the office about 30 minutes early and just sat in the empty waiting room. I started reading and before I knew it, it was 5:27. the nurse came out and motioned to follow her “you ready?” she inquired. “its time! yes I’m ready!” we took off all the leads and wires and the monitor. had a short conversation about how tired I was and how I was afraid to eat for a multitude of reasons. and I was out of there. the sun was starting to be visible. I told my dad I didn’t care how much it was going to hurt, I wanted a chicken run ranch sandwich from Native Foods. Its an amazing vegan cafe that is in limited locations and Westwood is one of them. I ordered a small order of the native wings and the chicken run ranch sandwich. when it came to the table I was in way over my head. lets just say that I only ate half of the sandwich and was done. I took the rest home and slept a few hours before getting up to be sick one last time.  the rain was slowing down.

I don’t remember much of Thursday. which is strange. but I remember waking up at 4am Friday morning and thinking “I might as well get up now.” I was taking my sister to the airport and we were leaving at 5. the drive was fun. just me and my mom and sister. we had a few good laughs that were slightly  sad because my mom can’t laugh without being in pain. When we got home we both went back to sleep. I don’t know what time my mom woke up but I woke up when she called me telling me to get dressed because we had to go see my grandma. it was 1:21pm…..  I quickly got dressed, but didn’t bother doing my hair or really bother to care what I looked like. when we got to her complex it was raining and cold. she was fine. just in pain from the accident. we made her walk up and down the hallways so she would get some deep breathing in. we talked for awhile and then left.

Saturday morning I had a class for CPR. I was nervous at first but once it started I was more relaxed and excited to learn. I felt like I was back in school. there were bagels that I was also nervous about eating, but my most common thought lately is something like “I’ve been in constant pain for a month whats a few more hours” its kinda sad now that I see it in writing. but its the truth. I ate about 3/4ths of a bagel and was in immediate pain and wanted to puke. I ran out of the room, down the hall to the restroom. I was able to keep it down but the thought of sitting through a two hour class was almost unbearable. but thank God it passed and I was able to finish the class. I even felt good enough to drive to Bakersfield for the night just to see the condors play and drive home at 6am for church this morning.

it stopped raining and the clouds began to clear.

today has been tough but the Son definitely made his presence known.